Year 5 girly friendship problems - can anyone advise? Feel like crying myself!!

[IwoulddoDrWho]

DD1 (a young Year 5) is having a few friendship issues at school. Two girls she has been good friends with until now seem to be going off together and leaving her out and she's upset about it. I've said it happens to everyone sometimes and it hurts but it's normal and not her fault. I've chatted nicely, and casually, to the two mums who I know really well, and said I think she's feeling a bit outside it all at the moment. I've encouraged her to play with other girls and invited them round to play. I read a couple of back threads on MN and bought a book from Amazon called "A Smart Girl's Guide to Friendship problems" which is a bit American but really great. We're reading it together at bedtime, and she's talking about stuff and says it's helping her, but ending up in tears.

Last night she said she spent the lunch hour digging up a stone. I felt like crying myself. I called her teacher this morning but she's out of school today so can't talk to her till Monday. Any ideas anyone?

You can't make your child popular and you can't make other children be friends with your child. All you can do is reassure your DD that she's got lots of good qualities and that you love her as she is. If you feel there's actual exclusion or bullying going on at school, tackle that head on. But otherwise, encourage her to be self-reliant rather than needing to be part of a crowd.

It's so hard isn't it My dd is not good at making and maintaining friendships, like you I have done all that I can but ultimately you can't do it for them. Also in my case I think it was more worrying to me than it was to her.

What has helped my dd is finding activities out of school she is really interested in and she has now 3 or 4 good friends outside of school that she has a shared interest with. She usually takes a book out at playtime.

I think out of school activities help, Brownies etc.

I am going to be enrolling my younger ones, schools, even with little ones, can be hard at times, and I want them to have as wide a social circle as possible.

If it's any help, my DD is now in Y6 and I found Y5 was a nightmare for the kind of girly issues you're talking about. Thinking back it was also Y5 when I had problems - best friend going off with someone else, everyone seeming to take sides against me - all of that. I think almost everyone does go through something similar at some stage, which is why it's so painful seeing it happen to your own DD! But for some reason Y5 seems to be a particularly bad year for it, and since we've been in Y6 everything has died down completely, and in fact they're all getting on fantastically well knowing they're about to go their separate ways.

So what I'm trying to say, in a longwinded way, is you're right to let her know it's not only her, and it will pass, and hopefully both of you will be able to ride it out quickly. Good luck.

Thanks for advice. I think it's sane advice not to worry about it more that they do. I did wonder if I should just play it down, but she does seem upset, and she is not someone who's ever complained about friendships before. I suppose it's that Year 5 age. She is a very small, young year 5 whereas some of the girls in her class are very grown-up in comparison, physically and emotionally. i think it's got to a stage where her friends have changed a bit faster than her.

Out of school activities a great idea. She goes to Brownies but it does tend to be her school friends that go. I might look at a drama class or something she'd enjoy.

Thanks Bashful. Think I cross-posted with you and didn't see your post till I'd replied. Hopefully it will all die down over the summer.
Thanks Bard for the sympathy. i'm feeling terrible wondering how she's getting on today!

This is really difficult for the parent as well as the child! I would suggest a few things:-

• Take a book/ball/card collection (e.g. moshi monsters)/skipping rope for break times. Collection cards are good for swapping if the school lets them, which means they interact with other children.

• Speak to the teacher (if a nice one she or he will help).

• Join groups outside school (to meet others and get confidence). If she joins gymnastics then this is something else to do in the playground and may help break the ice to speak to other children.

• Invite outside friends home often to maintain friendships.

• Let her know that she has other friends outside school and this is fine, she doesn't have to get on with everyone at school all the time.

• If they have lunch time clubs encourage her to join them.

• Let her know it's ok to be friends with younger or older children at school. If the school has a buddy system see if she can be part of it.

• Let her know everyone goes through this at sometime.

• Rather than digging a stone out. Suggest that she builds a little garden with sticks and leaves.

• Reminder her she only has a short time before going to senior school and then there will be lots of new people to meet.

Hope it all sorts itself out soon.

Thanks for the thought and effort in your post Darlingdds. Just seen it. Things have seemed a bit better this week, and I talked to her teacher last night so hoping she'll keep an eye on her and let her know someone at school is there to help.
Am looking at the outside school activities route over the summer and trying to find something she might like to do. She is quite into drama / dance.
Don't want to come across like an over-protective Mum, but it is horrible to see them going through this stuff.

Poor you, and for your DD.

FWIW, I canremember being 9/10 years old in Year 5 ... I wasn't unpopular, but deinitely went through phases of being left out and it was incredibly painful :( I was tall, maybe a litle plump, frizzy hair - and probably one of the kinder kids in my class. Young girls can be so vile, especially when they join together at the expense of another - usually quite sensitive - girl.

I got through it, as lonely as it was, but I won't lie and say that it was easy. I found it difficult being in the playground on my own. It made my little heart hurt. But, girls are also fickle and I was able to join in with another sympathetic group when it became obvious to them that I really had no mates at all.

The problem was that I gave too much of a shit. Try to encourage your DD to care less and she'll probably find that friends will flock. That is such a difficult, abstract concept for a little girl to grasp but if I could go back to 1993 and give Little Me a piece of advice, that would be it.

The list that another poster gave earlier is excellent. Make sure that your DD is occupied and that teachers are aware of the situation.

And do make sure that you give her lots of extra cuddles, and do nice things together out of school time. You seem like a lovely Mum, so I'm sure you're onto that already.

And, as for me, I'm 29 now, I have a wonderful husband and two small girls (3yo and 10wo). I have a circle of very good friends and those days are a distant memory. It will get better for your LO as long as you are there to look out for her x