Keeping my distance from neighbouring abusive family - help?

[marchpoppy]

I am a single mum with a young son. We moved out of our house a few years ago partly because there was a lot of violence going on in a neighbour's house, including an attempted murder and domestic violence. The neighbour's little girl (primary school age) used to come round sometimes just to hang out/ chill out. A couple of months ago I couldn't believe it when the same family moved into the street where we now live. The little girl wants to come round again, but I just don't want any links whatsoever to the family. It would be harsh not to say 'hello' to her any more and to tell her not to knock on our door but I think it's what I need to do - I need to protect my own family and can't really offer this girl any help. Social services are involved but little seems to have changed, from the noises we hear etc. What would you do?

Oh dear :(

Not a nice situation. But don't you think the little girl could do with a bit of a respite from that atmosphere?

If I were in your shoes I would let her come over - it sounds like she could really do with it tbh - but try to keep the rest of the household at a distance if that's at all possible. If it turns out not to be possible then maybe rethink.

Personally if that was going on down my street I couldn't live with myself turning the little girl away. Let alone ignore her on the street - very harsh imo

Mango I am a nice person really and do not want to turn away from the little girl. However, I am worried about my little son growing up and wanting to go to her house etc - if they become friendly - and I'm also worried that her (paranoid, vicious) father will think she is telling me stuff about what goes on at home and see me as a threat (that's the kind of person he seems to be). That could put me in danger as he doesn't deal well with people he perceives as a threat!

It's a tricky one.

I can understand that you need to protect your family first and foremost, of course. But what if something terrible happened to her one day - how would you feel knowing you had turned her away?

As your DS gets older you can manage the situation re: him going over there. Just don't let him go over. Keep as far away from the family as possible, but don't freeze the little girl out unless you know you have no choice for the sake of your own family.

Has the father approached you before or made you think that you were under scrutiny for your relationship with his DD?

Have to say I agree with Mango. Obviously easy for me to say - I'm not in your situation. However, as Mango says, you can just not allow your ds to go round to their house.

He is protected by you, and safe. This little girl is not.

You say you know social services are involved - have you spoken to them? It may be that your input can help remove this nasty man?

Thanks, yes - I think what is worst in this situation is my feelings of helplessness. I KNOW it makes a difference for this little girl to have somewhere she can come for a chat and some jam on toast - but she is always so forlorn and sad, and I know she has to go back to all that. It is horrible to witness (not least because I had an abusive childhood myself and know the impact of these things last years). Various people in the street have spoken to both the police and to social services over several years.

Dad's attitude is just aggressive - in the old house he came round once banging on the door 'Have you seen my little girl?' - because he needed her to run to shops for him whereas she'd been told to go out and leave him in peace hours earlier. He was v aggressive - what's she doing at your house etc? - and I told him calmly, oh, just having a biscuit and we've been watching tele - but i still felt shaken.

What the mother like? Is she a victim in all of this, I assume?

marchpoppy - your responsibility is, first and foremost, to your own family. In your position, I'd feel really torn, but I wouldn't want to get mixed up in any of it. Poor little girl, sounds like social services are monitoring things but still... I really feel for you that they have moved nto your street again.

The mother struggles as she has lots of kids but she seems to be a good mum, whenever I see her she is friendly but always makes some kind of joke about men being bastards and how she will chuck out her H soon but never does. I am guessing that is why none of the kids has been taken into care.

Actually I've just phoned a 'helpline' about this and they were pretty good and I realize its my feelings of helplessness getting me down but they said even if I am JUST saying hello to the little girl and giving her a tiny bit of my time that is bound to make a difference to her. I would tell the authorities if she confided anything in me about abuse to her personally and they are surely aware of the amount of time she spends kicked out of the house - it's just so horrible to see this childhood going on and on in such a bad way and I fear for her future.

Thanks bellabelly I am going to protect my own family and not invite the girl in my house any more as I do not want the father getting the wrong idea that she is confiding in me, making him paranoid so he takes it out on her or on my family. I will chat to the little girl if I see her on the street but make up some kind of polite excuse why she can't hang out in her house any more as I do need to feel safe in my own home.

'hang out in my house any more' - is what I meant.

how old are they, can they paly out side?

I have similar situation, but not violent or obviouse signs of abuse, just an environment I wouldnt want my dd. So I dont let the children in question into my house and dont let dd into their house. but let them play out.

when asked by either child I just say, no need to go into each others houses you can have fun outside together.

I do tell dd that she must not go into their house as I dont want her in peoples houses i do not know very well.

very difficult for you but I would let her round if they are too young to play out, just make excusses for ds not going to their house.

Also never assume social services are 'surely aware of the amount of time she spends kicked out of the house'. If you have information on abuse - report it. It is better that lots of people report than that everyone assumes someone else has. Obviously you would need to make sure the dad didn't know you did this but social services should be sensitive to this.

But I totally understand wanting to protect your own family. Keep being that person who smiles at the little girl and says hi even if you can't do anything else because your family needs to stay safe.

I would keep on reporting anything you see to social services, particulaly if the father is abusive, the more that is reported the more likely this little girls life will change

the more it is ignored the more it is enabling the father to carry on being that way. If you dont let her have sanctuary then at least you can do this

As hard as it sounds the girl isn't your responsibility, your children are and they should come first.
That doesn't mean you can't be friendly and say hello, but if i was in that situation i would keep it at that.