3 year old - tantrum or more than that?

[Delilah1976]

Hi there, I am really needing some help because I am really struggling with my 3 year old girl.

For the last 2/3 months she has been having what I would describe as tantrums when she is told "no" or asked to stop doing something. This is either high pitched screeching or a roaring at whoever is asking her to stop wether it be me or my husband.

We have tried to be consistent about how we deal with these tantrums - explaining why the "no" and have used a warning system and either taking a toy away or not doing something she wants to do although this seems to have little effect.

We are on holiday this week and had planned various day trips instead of going away - tuesday, went to a visitor attraction aimed at kids but when we stopped for lunch she refused to eat and when asked to sit and wait she had a full on tantrum trying to tip over the table, screaming at the top of her lungs, trying and succeeding to hit me and my husband. She was given a warning that we would not be going back in to the attraction if she didn't stop with not effect, it seemed more like a challenge to her to up the screaming a bit more so we left and came home - she calmed down after 20 minutes.

Yesterday - she was an absolute angel - slept until 7.45 got up in a fab mood, ate breakfast and we dressed and went outside to play with bubbles, potter round the garden (which she loves) - no tantrums, screaming, nothing.

This morning - awake at 5.15 screaming for both of us, had a wee then her dad asked her to go back to bed for a bit - total breakdown - screaming like she was being attacked, came downstairs and because we refused to put tv on she started hitting and kicking us both while continuing to scream - she asked to go into my bed to have a snuggle in so I said ok - this lasted 10 mins because I dared to move and she was not happy so up we get again and come downstairs - this led to what I can only describe as a meltdown - really loud screaming, continually trying to hit me kicking her legs - I let her play it out so it lasted about 15 minutes and then she herself said "I need to chill out" she lay for 5 min sucking her thumb then got up and had her breakfast. I asked her to apologise for this and asked for a kiss and cuddle which I got and she is now snuggled up on the couch with her dad.

Maybe I am overreacting to this - is this normal for a 3 year old? We are both at a loss. Can anyone give us some tips on how to deal with this - do we stick to warning and then removing something or do we ignore any bad behaviour and praise good (this doesn't particularly sit well with me but would try if it would work)

Thanks for reading if you have got this far.

Normal for some, I think. With hysterical/irrational behaviour like this, however, reasoning, distraction techniques and reward systems don't work at all - in fact, they tend to make it worse or prolongue the racket. Often tiredness is the cause so make sure she gets plenty of naps, whether she looks tired or not. If it's not tiredness but out and out stroppiness or aggression, you have to put the child somewhere she can't harm herself, tell her to stop the behaviour, and then walk away and totally ignore it. No discussion and obviously you don't give in to whatever it is they want :) When the child's calm again, then you can give messages about acceptable and unacceptable, reward charts for good behaviour etc.

It may not sit well with you but being the 'bigger dog' in this little power-struggle will keep it short.

I can recommend a book called 'Your Competent Child' by Jesper Juul(I got it on Amazon). It's an interesting read and discusses why children behave like this and potential 'solutions'. It isn't a 'how to get kids to behave' book, so its not for everybody, but I really enjoyed it and have found it useful. If you want any more info let me know. Good luck.

Thanks ladies, the day has progressed much better. We went to visit a friend with a new baby and she was very sweet and keen to see the baby. Has been verging on wanting to throw a strop but has managed to stop herself - who knows maybe she knew herself that she had taken it a step further this morning.

With regard to the sleeping, I really do think this could be the problem. She has always been a fantastic sleeper (at least 12 hours a night from being 6 weeks) and for whatever reason she is not sleeping as well. I suppose there has been a lot of upheaval for her recently - I had to return to my contracted hours at work which involves 24 hour shifts so she stays at my mums for this time unless it is at the weekend. She has always seemed to enjoy this though. I was also in hospital for a fortnight in Feb and had a long physical recovery so again while my husband was at work my mum was here looking after her because I wasn't able to - she really seemed to take this all in her stride - she was able to visit and was never teary as she is a confident wee thing - maybe I have underestimated the effect this had on her.

Sorry, just while typing this I am kinda realising that she had had a lot to cope with in the last year and poor thing is probably confused by it all.

I will take a look at the book suggested. I am not looking for an instant fix - at the moment I would settle for not making things any worse.

Once again, thanks :)