7 year old son with huge anger tantrums after relocating

[Nena7]

Hi,

We have just moved area and my son has started a new school. According to the teachers, he has settled in really well and so says also his childminder who picks him up from school. He also says himself that, although he misses his old school a little bit, he is excited and happy with his new life. He is an outgoing, popular boy. However, we have noticed a big change in his mood at home. He is normally very happy, helpful and collaborative. Very occasionally would he be angry or have a tantrum. Since he started his new school however he is quite often rude and obnoxious, starts shouting "without a reason", complains, teases and fights with his younger brother and sister. Last night he wouldn't get ready for bed, refused blankly, I tried to ignore, talk, tell him, distract, yes, all the tricks in the book, the whole situation escalated (I didn't handle it very well in the end) and he was shoting and kicking and screaming and in the end took out all his draws with clothes and threw them on the floor and threw lots of things around the room and pulled down a shelf.

We both managed to calm down after that but I was, and am, incredibly upset and worried about his behaviour. I understand that this is a huge change for him and we try and be supportive and sympathetic but at the same time, we can't let him behave how he likes or "get away" with anything.

Any suggestions or ideas? Anyone been in a similar situation?

He might need a talk calm 1 to 1 (may be with your husband). He is still a baby in a way but almost a big (BIG) boy. His emotions, hopes and fears can be all mixed up.
DD1 (7) has had a lot of changes too this year and in the past. I haven't solved all the problems and don't understand all her needs but time on her own and a nice talk (cuddled after bed time story work for us).
The talk is for listening to her, answering her questions and reassuring not for me or DH to stance. At the end, we usually agree that the behaviour is not acceptable and try to give her alternative way of dealing with anger and fear (we have more trouble with panic attacks than anger at the moment): Breathing, asking direct questions, ....

We are still not completely there but it is getting better (well school is over so one stress less!) so I will watch the thread to see other ideas!

Both DH and me relocate around that age (7/8) and remember being punished or ignored and told to get on with it. It was definitely not the answers. So we are trying a new way.
Unacceptable behaviour is to be punished (always with a warning and a chance to calm down first (unless we are too tired ), but we think there is some unanswered questions/fears/hopes/unrealised projects in DD1's mind which need addressing/grieving. Don't underestimate your DS they are quite clever and mature at 7 more than most parents give them credit for they are also incredibly little and need to be still babied a bit some times.

sorry I will have to dash for diner now.

Have you asked him how he's feeling when he's calm? Maybe discuss what went on with the shelf-throwing episode and see why he thinks it ended up that way. I find, with slightly older children, passing it over to them to explain why the situation got out of hand and then asking if they have any solutions can provide interesting answers.

If this is totally out of character, it could be the move is still bothering him and because he is working hard at being 'together' at school and the CM, he goes a bit nuts at home to get your attention. Obviously, it has to stop but if you listen to any worries he's got, he might be a better outlet for his frustration.

This sounds so hard for you and your son. My ds1 behaved very similarly when we relocated abroad: room trashing, picking fights, outbursts of temper (along with compulsive behaviour - obsessive handwashing, finding and picking out tiny specks in food, refusing to wear anything that had black on it...). I think I found it hard because he was usually quite calm and sensible and I didn't expect him to be "difficult". Things improved enormously about 3-4 months after we moved. I remember a turning point was one night when I ditched all the active listening and told him I was feeling lonely and missing my friends and I wondered if he was feeling something similar. He nodded and sobbed for ages into my shoulder. Heartbreaking, but he seemed to be much lighter after that.

He still sees his best friend from his old school in the holidays and that continuity seems to help. I tried every Faber and Mazlich technique I could but to be honest in the end I think it was probably just time that made the difference...

I hope you're being kind to yourself through this - relocating is just so exhausting even without emotional upheaval! I realise I haven't really answered the questions in your OP but I really feel for you and hope you can find your way through this.

Poor DS and poor you trying to handle it on top of all the move admin.

He may be making a real effort to be "good" at school & Childminders (new, so still on extra good behaviour) and home is the only place he can let of steam, but clearly can't continue.

My DS (5.5) is younger, but if he is going through a phase of lots of temper tantrums & bad behaviour, I make an extra special effort to spend some one-on-one time with him - not directly in response to an outburst, but maybe later that day? And hopefully manage to talk to him a bit about things, perhaps whilst having a cuddle in the armchair, or maybe just out and about, just the two of us.

He may be feeling more stress than expected at the move.

Thank you everyone for nice and helpful replies. Yes, agree, I do think the move has affected him more, or in a different way than we expected. And I do believe he is "trying really hard to be good", meeting new people and friends and then he lets of steam at home. I am just really worried that we don't handle it right and that he will be affected longer... One to one is great, totally agree bt that's hard when the two adults are working and there are two other children who also need attention... Even if this is priority it's hard. I guess that's the constant dilemma for busy parents.

Any more suggestions warmly welcome!