Help please, cliques and playground politics in girls aged 8??????

[Alwaysonadiet]

Hi, I'd really appreciate some advice. My DD (only child) age 8 is a loving, clever, funny, kind and engaging little girl yet she has so few friends in school and seems to be unable to get herself into the "cliques". She says she gets ignored when she tries to join in and that sometimes the girls are unkind. She has had the same 2 close friends since Reception yet whilst they are expanding their friendship circle DD seems to be left behind. Is this type of behaviour normal at 8? I am so worried about her as I think she will end up being the target for bullying if she is unable to get into these cliques. She is quite mature for her age (and is showing early signs of puberty) and I know on occasion she has said that she finds some of the girls too "silly", loud and unruly but I think it is just because she is a quieter type (probably only child syndrome!). I offered her a party for her birthday again this year thinking it would be a good opportunity for her to be the popular one for a little time but she didn't want it she wanted to invite just 3 girls to our house to play and then for a pizza. Her class teacher doesn't seem to think there is a problem and say she seems happy at school but when your child says she sometimes walks around by herself at break time I have to say it breaks my heart. I also don't particularly think her class teacher is that sensitive to what goes on emotionally with the children. Is this type of behaviour common amongst girls of that age? DD recognises already the structure of the playground hierarchy and who the "popular" girls are. What can I do to help her? Is there a "How to win friends and influence people" book for kids? :( I'm so worried about her.

Hi, alwaysonadiet. I have an 8yo dd, who has had the same few friends since starting school too. She does always welcome newcomers into the group, but there is no "popular girls" that she seems to be aware of, thankfully.

My younger dd (6), however, was friends with some of the "cliquey" girls, quite by accident, and that was a nightmare. I am encouraging her to get out of the cliques, not into them! there is far more bullying goes on within the bloody small bitchy groups themselves than to those lucky enough to be outside it!! let your dd be where she is, is my advice!

I think this kind of thing is horribly common.
Do all you can to build her self esteem - popularity seems the be all and end all for some, but being able to spend time by yourself is a useful skill in life.
I'd suggest widening her circle of friends outside school - perhaps with clubs or activities.
I think the small party for 3 rather than a big party sounds really nice.

Thank you both for your advice, it's not so much that I want her to be in a clique , I just want her to have lots of friends so she has always got someone. I experienced this problem at school myself but not until high school where I was bullied for what seemed like an eternity! I can't believe that this is going on these days so young :(

Being in clubs and groups outside school will boost her self esteem ( not suggesting it's low btw) and if she's a contented happy confident child it might help her roll with the ins and outs of school life. Play dates after school are good too for being away from the intensity of playground time...it's such a short time to play. I have boys so not experienced this too much, do they have a buddy scheme at the school where the older kids look out for the younger ones? Also if she does something like beavers or cubs she can develop a good mix of boy and girl friends

Some people just aren't "friend-y" people, iykwim? They'd rather have a few very close friends than a wide circle. If she doesn't seem bothered, it should be okay.

It's so hard to let things like this go, isn't it? :) I know that DS is going to go through tough emotional times at school (everyone does) and the very thought of it breaks my heart!

'seems to be unable to get herself into the "cliques"'

GOOD! That's a great thing IMO! Why should she even be trying?

Why should she be a sheep? Why should she have to try and conform to a clique?

Please please try not to put your own insecurities on her.

I was never part of a clique at school, and yes I had some times where that was hard, but you know what, the girls in the cliques had it harder.

Your daughter is a beautiful individual, she does not need to follow the crowd or be in a crowd, and learning to be confident in her own skin is far more important than being part of any clique.

Use every opportunity you can to build her up, and make her understand that she has her own mind, friends come and go, that is normal.

She will have the whole peer pressure stuff to deal with as she gets older and the more you can build her up now to be a confident individual the more easier she'll find it to say 'NO' when she wants to.

Good Luck xx

This sounds very similar to my 7 year old dd. She seems to 'float around' socially, iykwim, at school and never seems to play with the same set of children particularly. There are a lot of dominant, confident and popular girls in her class who have formed strong friendships and while my dd has never complained of any unkindness, I think she is not cut out for that kind of exclusive friendship. I have tied myself up in knots worrying about her but in my more lucid moments I realise that actually, as others have said, it's a good thing in some ways not to be in a tight friendship with only a few people. And my dd seems perfectly happy. I have recently shown her a book I got a while ago called 'bullies, big mouths and so-called friends' which she's really enjoyed reading and enabled us to have a good chat about how she feels at school etc. I think rather than wanting to encourage your dd to try and break into these 'cliques' you should maybe concentrate on allowing her to build on the friendships she does have and encouraging her individuality. All sounds a bit 'woo' I know, but will make for a happier girl all round perhaps, as she won't continually feel she's getting the knock-back from established groups of friends?

My DD1 has been part of the same 'clique' since reception. This has it's pros and cons, mostly they are ok but being girls there are plenty squabbles too. DD has had trouble with the group if she wants to play with someone else she gets told 'if you play with her your not our friend anymore' and this upsets her. I find this a bit worrying and encourage DD can be strong. Let your DD build her own friendships, keep encouraging playdates and her individuality it will stand to her in the long term.