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If DS is a measure of my competence as a SAHP...

8 replies

TheBigBangFairy · 18/06/2012 16:55

... then I think I am a bit shit at it.

I'm going back to work soon and the kids are at settling in session, so with too much quiet time to myself for thinking I've begun over-analyzing and drawn up a list of my parenting fails for DS (nearly 4 years old):

DS mostly lives on bread, bananas and porridge. As a baby he was a good eater, but the list of foods he would accept decreased as he got older. The list is very short these days, but it does include spaghetti bolognaise at least, although only one specific recipe for it. DS will try new food, but seems to struggle with texture (gags and retches on lumps).

He doesn't sleep through the night (he stays in bed at least, but wakes up at least once per night shouting and upset).

He hates water in or near his eyes and ears (since 18 months). Won't wear goggles. He likes baths, but washing his hair has the neighbours commenting on his screaming.

He is terrified of loud noises (since 4 months). Can't vacuum while he's in the house without him crying and screaming at me to stop.

He is dry about 80% of the time? He'll have an accident once or twice a week because he'd rather carry on playing than stop and have a wee. He also has accidents because he forgets to aim and wees directly on his feet!

He's frightened of pooing in a toilet and will only go in a nappy. He won't sit down to go either, even with a nappy on. In the past I've tried taking nappies away completely, but he held it in until he made himself constipated.

Somewhat randomly, he hates cards (as in birthday cards, christmas cards). Will scream and cry that he needs to screw them up and throw them in the bin. Particular cards that I've kept for sentimental reasons have to be hidden, else he'll try to destroy them and get distressed when he's stopped.

He seems unable to communicate that he is feeling bad when poorly. The first clue I normally get is his behaviour and mood deteriorates severely (lots of losing temper over tiny things, quick to anger, much more likely to throw unreasonable tantrums). He'll deny feeling poorly if asked directly, unless he's coughed in the last couple of minutes in which case he'll tell me "I had a cough yesterday, but it's gone now".

And last week he bit my MIL! Not maliciously, but because he was so excited and wound up. He then spent a hysterical hour in his room screaming that she should go home, perhaps because he felt so bad about hurting her.

So... does this list sound normal for a nearly 4 year old, or do I need to get myself on a parenting course?!! I've read plenty of books, including the "How to Talk to Kids..." book, and I do actively apply a lot of the techniques e.g. careful language, acknowledging his emotions etc.

TBH, I've never felt like a natural parent, I'm just muddling along most of the time and wondering if I'm consistent enough.

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
TheEnglishWomanInTheAttic · 18/06/2012 18:07

My son's best friend was still in nappies til he was nearly 4, so that bit sounds not unusual esp for a boy.

Some of the other issues sound maybe worth a little chat with a health visitor or GP (whichever you get on better with) as he sounds very sensitive in some ways (the loud noises, water, cards, getting easily over stimulated), which maybe there is a way to help him with, but I can't see how it would result from your parenting.

I think there is no point at all beating yourself up, and everyone is just making it up as they go along, including writers of parenting books and other "experts".

HansieMom · 19/06/2012 00:18

Does he go to preschool? If so, how does he do there?

Is there a little neighbor boy you could invite for lunch, one who eats anything?

howcomes · 19/06/2012 04:02

Hi
My ds recently turned two but I found myself nodding along to your post, we haven't started potty training yet but he is a very fussy eater, is terrified of loud noises, gets very upset by totally random things and still doesn't sleep through the night. I'm also a sahm.

I recently read a book which helped me feel a bit better about it all, it's called raising your spirited child - I can't remember the author though. However it made me feel that I wasn't alone and actually ds wasn't a problem child, he's just more sensitive.

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JellyMould · 19/06/2012 04:54

He sounds pretty anxious and sensitive to over stimulation. I wouldn't have thought it was much to do with your parenting though. I might consider a chat with your health visitor.

PoppyWearer · 19/06/2012 05:04

My DD is nearly 4yo and the first five paragraphs of your OP (food/sleep/water/noise). applies to her too. I'm not worried. Annoyed/tired, but not worried.

She miraculously overcomes most of these things when at Pre-school, or if with a friend or cousin.

PoppyWearer · 19/06/2012 05:06

I did go to the GP about her noise aversion, and spoke to two GPs about it when there, and they said not to worry.

FWIW, I used it as an excuse to get a cleaner Grin.

RiskItForABiscuit · 19/06/2012 05:59

My DD is 2 and a bit and I found myself nodding along with your op.

She used to love the hoover but now hides in her room whenshe sees it. Nothing happened, just grew to dislike loud machine noises.

She's starting to get choosier with her foods so it doesn't look impossible that one day all she will eat is bread and spaghetti.

It's a rare night when she doesn't cry for someone to come into her room at 5am or another stupid hour.

Hates water in her face. Even if it rains, she'll protest and flap her arms around infront of her eyes. Washing her hair is a nightmare and I just do it once a week.

Unable to communitcate whilst sick sounds like a man thing. DH is the same. But seriously, when I'm feeling off and grouchy, I hate people telling me I'm PMT or similar. Maybe it feels like that for him.

I've seen some of her peers with similar issues so I thought she was normal. On the whole, she's a lovely girl. She sees the HV regularly when I bring the baby so if there was anything strange with DD, the HV would've said something.

I think you're being very tough on yourself. Kids don't fit into the se mould so what frightens one, doesn't have to be the same with another.

TheBigBangFairy · 19/06/2012 10:37

Thanks all.

@HansieMom
DS has been going to pre-school for the last year and they never raised any concerns. Funnily enough, DS seems to thrive amidst the general chaos of a room full of noisy kids.

@howcomes
I have the Raising Your Spirited Child book too. I bought that one to help with DS's stubborn tenacious streak, and some of the techniques have really helped to reduce daily battles over silly things.

You're all right, I know. Things like sensitivity and anxieties are down to nature rather than nurture, so it's not helpful for me to start wondering if I could have done things differently!

But every now and then I wibble about it, because I remember so well having many of the same issues when I was small. I wanted to try and avoid DS developing them, but perhaps it's just who he is and there's nothing to do but wait until he grows out of it.

On the bright side, I grew out of all of my sensitivity and anxiety issues. On the not so bright side, my brother didn't. As an adult he still eats poorly, cannot swim and has all sorts of other self-confidence issues that have affected him in life.

So I worry whether DS will go this way too, or if he'll grow up and change like I did. When do you stop putting these sort of issues down to age?

Has anybody been to the GP or HV with similar issues and been told anything other than "don't worry"? I also talked to my HV about the terror response to the noise of a vaccuum cleaner and she didn't seem to think it was a concern either. In fact, she seemed more concered for my carpets, replying something like, "it's a shame, but you HAVE to hoover!"

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