No respect

[poppiesmom]

My blood is boiling... I want to scream... I want to cry.... My 22 year old has no respect for me... or anyone else that i can see.....
After having his friend around for the last 3 hours whilst they chat , watch tv... and doss... whilst i'm trying to do my CV, Apply for jobs.... and look after a 3 year old , do housework... He's just left the house telling me not to be a ARSE after i told him we needed words.....I want to throw all his stuff in his car and tell him to go back to the house he's sharing ( but he cant afford to live in cause they're all home for summer from uni...) i really just want to cry... Why are Kids just so dame rude and disrespectful..... I know it's my fault for giving too much... i never had anything so want them to have it all.... BUT ID LIKE RESECT as a mom..... :(

I would throw his stuff in his car and let him worry about where he can and can't afford to live. Kids are not necessarily disrespectful and 22 years old is not a 'kid'. He's a grown man being lazy, abusive, selfish and taking advantage. He's quite old enough to fend for himself. When you draw a line in the sand, you'll get some respect.

Apron strings.....

I dont want my children to have those worries.... i had them and it was awful
My Mom died when i was 16... my father may have well off the same day... I left home a few months later .. not to get a home again until i was 30... i had somewhere to live but it was never a home....
So i want my Children to have it all..... A Mom who will do anything ( and does..) a home, But does this mean they cannot have respect as well.... Do we really have to be vile to get respect???

I have been nurturing mutual respect for some years with my DCs so I hope when reach 22 they will respect me. My kids sort of "have it all" however it does come with a mutual respect for it and me/Dad etc. I am afraid if you have not done this from an early age then setting up for a fall. I am so not being judgy and believe you are a great Mum

I mean

Poppies thee is a middle ground between what you had and the behaviour of your son,

However, as he is 22 it is going to be very difficult for you to establish where the boundaries are now.

I think kicking him out until he learns to speak respectfully to you is step one tbh.

I hear What your saying.... But Kicking anyone out to my mind is not respectful either....[ shock]
My Dad is a dreadful father....But i would never call him a ARSE (to his face anyway!!!) Is That really how to get respect from a 22 year old????
I'm obviously a crap MOM .... Maybe i should just cry and get on with crying....

You have to earn respect and give respect to have respect.

Throw him out. Then he might respect you.

My mom never set any boundaries for me. At all. I still don't really respect her and I'm 43.

Tee... i'm so sorry you feel like that about your Mom... I wish i had one and envy anyone who has....
I have set boundaries for my children... and taught them respect... Everyone tell's me how polite and well mannered they are.... Even Him ( i'm having a RANT!!!!) However he obviously has non to call me a ARSE.... I have respect... i give him respect... so cant figure out ur sum.... which makes me Sooooo sad....

He knows you're soft as grease and is gambling that he can get away with poor behaviour and you won't pack his bags. So far his gamble has paid off so you have to ramp up the ante a little. How much rent does he pay you, for example? Increase it to less comfortable levels. Does he have a summer job? If not, then his job becomes all the housework, gardening and so forth. If he has a summer job he is allocated a share of the housework.

Birds do not fly the nest until it is cramping their style.

cogitoergosometimes.... RENT???? No that's why he's home 4 the summer... so he doesn't have to.... He has applied for load's of jobs tbh.... And Yes he was supposed to be helping ( and does if i ask...) But that's another Moan for another time.... He's supposed to be home to go and pick up his bother from work at 4.30.... If he doesn't then wow betide him... I will turn into the terrible mother!!!!
I don't feel like crying now... all calm and collected (Until 4.30 that is...
Thank's though to everyone .... It helps having a rant..

I'd say that being called an arse means you introduce rent, absolutely. Why is it OK for him to live off you for free?

I'm so glad I saw your post. Im not alone. I packed (my almost 20 year old sons) bags last week. Wrote him a 10 page letter explaining why with tears streaming down my face.We didn't have a row-I had enough of his unreasonable behaviour . Swears at me, shouts at me , doesnt respect me or his dad. Very volatile. Sometimes scares me with his mood swings.Never used to be like this- got worse over the last 2 years. Gradually been distancing himself from all of us. Give him an allowance every week but never has any money. Trouble now is that my husband is shouting at me telling me I'm wrong to have done it as son in middle of exams. -and not backing my decision at all. Even told son that I'm Cranky (pre menopausal) so my long ,from the heart letter ,has been totally disregarded when I wanted it to make an impact to my son and make him realise that the way hes been behaving wont be tolerated anymore. BTW son never wants to come home because of what I've done and never wants to talk to me again .Dont know what to do now.

Stick to your guns Whatsthematter. You did the right thing. Ignore your husband.

poppies do the same thing Whatsthematter did. Kick him out.

OP your son is the one thats an arse he's only 3 yrs younger than me and i can tell you at 22 i was standing on my own 2 feet and if i spoke like that to my mum i would have been out. Your doing him no favours by letting him get away with acting like a stroppy teenager how is he going to handle real life if he doesn't deal with the harder bits? Tell him if he wants to stay he must say sorry and pull his finger out if not he can leave he's a grown man and should be acting like one.

So many people i know at our age have a total attitude problem, expect everything to be handed to them and strop about when they don't get thier way because thier parents give them everything and let them away with murder, they have no idea how to handle real life.

I would hit the roof if any of my DC called me an ARSE!!! And the oldest is 7! Rudeness I find unacceptable in children, teenagers and, well, adults.

Mine are still at an age where I can tell them clearly and firmly what I think of such language and attitude and what the consequences are. A bit more difficult ith an adult, but I think you can still tell him clearly what you expect (your house, your rules) and if he finds that not acceptable then maybe he should think about alternative living arrangements.

Don't act when you are upset and emontional though.

Thank you all for your imput... ( not saying i agree with it... But there you are) No-one will be kicked out of anywhere... I dont class that as parenting skill's... He has kept out of my way since... and he will be having a good taking to about my House My rules and given the choice to live by them... If he doesn't earn 's any money i'm not sure how hes supposed to pay rent... But i do have a nice long list of Jobs he can do today!!!!
Along with a nice BIG APOLOGY!!!

I am not sure whether a 'talking to' would be the best way. Maybe tell him how you feel, struggle and what you find unfair. Maybe let him suggest a better way? But make it clear that currently its not working.

"If he doesn't earn 's any money i'm not sure how hes supposed to pay rent"

It's not your problem to resolve, it's his. Present him with a demand for rent and it will motivate him to try harder to get off his backside and find a job. He has a car which means somehow he pays for tax, insurance, petrol. Where does he get the money from for all that?

Poppies, I would agree entirely with you if your son was 16.

But 22 year olds don't need 'parenting' in the same way. At 22 (well 21 actually) I was financially independent and living 60 miles away from my parents. When I visited (rare) I was a valued guest in their home (and behaved as such). It's just ridiculous to allow him to treat your home as if he was a hormonal teenager- he is not. If he doesn't realise the extent of your generosity now, I'm not sure he ever will.

He is an adult and he has no business not supporting himself.

Read that as 22 month old - DH found himself kicked out around same age for 2 weeks for similar behaviour - only so long are welcome round friends etc - then went back and showed respect. He is not being abandoned in the world, you will have him back but the relationship needs to change now hes an adult...

You sound as though you think we're all being rather unreasonable OP.

Well in that case OP and please I am not being rude if you continue to allow him to behave like this and you refuse to set boundaries and adult life skills then fair play and God help his future wife, that said living a cushy life at homw will never leave home !! Do not allow your childhood reflect on how you approach this. There needs to be a balance and he is 22 !!