Difficult 10yo DS, I'm going mad..

[OhWhatNoooow]

My oldest DC is always bothering the other DCs, calling them names, putting them down, sometimes hitting them etc.. The thing is he just doesnt act sorry afterwards or seem to care about his actions. He also laughs when he hurts them and also when I tell him off. He was seen by Cahms and they said hes not on the autistic spectrum, so I cant blame that. Hes very disrespectful to me and DH and speaks to us as if he were an adult on the same level.

All this is making me feel like the worlds worse mother, I feel so down about it. What do you do when one child hits or calls names? Then the other retaliates and world war three breaks out. How should I handle it?

Really feel for you. What do you currently do regarding discipline, sanctions etc?

Open back door and immediately send out to the garden - "behaviour like that is not tolerated in this house", leave for ages, let back in and present with list of chores to do, washing-up etc.
Don't try and talk it through,force an apology,emotional talk about feelings ar anything at all.
Increase/decrease time in the garden and number of jobs depending on the severity of behaviour.

It's a very sassy pestering age (I think it's a natural developmental age for boys they become pests to the rest of humanity, at least I remember almost all 8-10yo boys being like that when I was 8-10yo, too). Agree you have to be firm but don't try to force apologies, just stamp on it with clear sanctions.

Where I disagree with R-Thyme is about feelings, I reckon it's bored-uncomfortable feelings that lead them to naughty attention seeking. So if they can talk thru those emotions & express them in other ways, they won't feel the need to be jerks.

FWIW, my DS is now 12, goes out for most of the weekend and for hours after school, so as soon as your DS has a bit more freedom and does more to entertain himself, he will be less of a pain! It gets him away from the others and from you and he will start to mature a bit and be able to reason and apologise, which both help.

Hi, thanks for replying! My DH says I'm too soft with my kids, I try to be nice to them all the time and am too scared to punish them. I find punishments dont work. I would be punishing him all day. What do you do when they refuse to adhere to the punishment? My kids just say no to me all the time and I cant for e them to do something. Its so frustrating! Do you think he will learn to behave if I punish him?

I think more along the lines of removing privileges and earning rewards for good behaviour, rather than punishing as such.

Being consistent is also really important. If you're too soft and nice to them most of the time, then when you do try to discipline them they won't take you seriously. DCs are like dogs - they need to know who is head of the pack! Once they accept that you come above them in the pecking order and that your word is final things can only improve.

I find that top-up phone credit and giving lifts are good bargaining tools, while taking away the favoured toy of the moment (x-box, skateboard etc) only need to be threatened to get the desired results!

discipline is not punishment - I forget the definition but to be a disciple is to follow a path of "rightness" - one of our roles as parents is to guide our children onto a path (and keep them there) that is broadly "right" - ignoring people, using rude language, being defiant - none of these are right and children do not to be disciplined, it sounds like your not so much asking what discipline could work as querying ANY sort of disciplin, if you really will not guide your children could another adult in be drafted in ?

Is there a chance you can get one-to-one time with your 10yo? I think this is maybe what he's needing, after replying to your other thread on this board.

My DS's school doesn't refer to punishments but 'consequences' which I think is a pretty good way of looking at it. Tell him what good behaviour looks like, explain the consequences of bad behaviour (isolation, loss of treats, etc) and follow through. Age 10 the power balance has to be with you, even if it feels uncomfortable initially. If he's still behaving the same way in four or five years' time you'll have a real problem on your hands.