grandparent comparing grandchildren, grrr !

[tomps]

A slight comment by a grandparent, about how it's a shame that our dd doesn't do as much/get involved as much as her Grade 3 piano playing, competitive swimming, Brownie cousin, has got under my skin. Dd is reluctant to get involved even in things she's good at eg school running club/she loves football but doesn't want to join a team/ quit brownies/has guitar lessons but doesn't practise (!) It means that she kind of doesn't have any "quantifiable" skills, though of course we think she's great at lots of things (can't think of anything off the top of my head ha ha !) Now I'm going to spend all day worrying that we're not 'giving her the best start in life' due to not encouraging more organised activities and achievements. Do all other children do clubs and things ? Most of the ones I know do, so I need a wider Mumsnet perspective !

You think your dd's great because she's her and because of all the things, good and infuriating, which make her 'her'. That will be much better for your daughter's long term self esteem than being valued for her 'achievements'. I can never understand all that competitive stuff either, although some people seem obsessed with it.

Grandparents!? My mum does this, don't worry about it , each dc is different, be a bloody boring world otherwise!

I take no notice of her and don't engage in the conversation.

My dd 10 didn't do very much until about a year ago. She just wasn't intreasted. Now she does a couple of activities per week, more then enough.

You do not give DCs a good start in life by forcing them into activities they do not want to do. You do give them a good start by providing them with the best range of opportunities you can manage, and making it possible to do the ones they like.

You cannot prevent GPs having their private thoughts on how their DGCs are turning out, and you can't really tell off your own parents. But it might be helpful to see if there are things you can do to discourage them from making such irksome comparisons at all, and certainly what would be the productive ways to intervene if their words are ever translated into actions (or if they start making comments directly to DD).

But if she is reluctant to get involved in things she enjoys that is a shame isnt it? I think you are being oversensitive tbh

My mum does this and i think it's because i am not as vocal as my sister when it comes to boasting (or as pushy a mum either).

I sometimes wonder if all these acivities are for the benefit of the child or the parent? My DD (10) has friends who have after school activites every day after school plus weekends too and still learn 1 or 2 instruments in school. Where's the time just for being a child in all that?

Just encourage your daughter to be herself & enjoy life.

Thanks for replies - I've always thought it was more important to just be and climb trees and develop imagination, so I've not pushed too hard with the after school activities. That's not going to change, but I do wonder if the children who do all the extra clubs and teams will have a broader outlook/more opportunities as they get older. And I sometimes worry that my hippyish outlook means dd will not have the opportunities she could. I dunno, there's always something to worry/feel guilty about !

There is indeed always something to worry and feel guilty about. I don't think there's a 'right' answer.

I think you are doing just the right thing OP- as your DD gets older she will find for herself the things she wants to do. All you need to do now is make it clear to her that if there are things she wants to do , you will support her. You can suggest things, allow her to try things without her feeling that she is signing up for life and that it is OK to give something a go, but then discover that it is not for you.

My DCs ( both now teenagers) each have one main hobby and in each case it was something they took up over the age of 10 and at their choosing, not mine. Other nights they came home, did homework, did family stuff, played with the dogs/pets and watched telly.

We also have the "comparing" grandparents on one side of the family- other GC is a "wonderkid"-top sports teams and very clever. Other set of grandparents think my DCs are wonderkids and every little they do is praised to the hilt. My DCs can see the lunacy in both sets and it all balances out!

I sometimes think the kids who spend their every free moment attending clubs, lessons and activities arranged by their parents may be the least resourceful children and the ones who are always complaining of being "bored" when a free afternoon/ day/ hour does come around - when do they get to just play, build friendships, spend a whole day with the same friend, and most importantly make their own choices about how to organise and spend their time and with whom!

It is useful to play an instrument and be able to swim of course, but it is also useful to be able to organise your own social life - my 6 year old only goes to football training (she can swim but is not in any club or team, we just go swimming for fun). She phones her friends herself (from the landline obviously) and organises her own play, just has to tell me where she is going (we live in a very tiny village) or ask for a lift/ check it's OK to have friend X or Y around. I think she is more mature and resourceful than a lot of girls her age who spend their free time packing in a club or even 2 an evening etc. JMO :)

Dd1 would love to do piano but I can't afford it so she does as many of the cheapy clubs her school does as she can.

I don't think it matters if kids do 'activities' or not tbh as long as theyre happy.

Beanbagz.....I have the same reasoning for my kids....l used to have a sweat on that my eldest wasn't doing the Suzuki method, gymnastics and languages after school and at the weekends, but do you know what....my kids are exhausted by school and I enjoy being with them and I think life is really hard as a teenager/ grown up so I let them do what they want. Ds does drumming at school ( during class time) and beavers, the rest of the time he is at home and is content with that and so am I. I'm more concerned that my children are considerate kind and polite and engaging with their grandparents and not busy little bees that are having a meltdown at the end of the day. This is in response to my dcs cousins who are at private school and seem to be hothoused and do everything possible, they will blossom in their own time.

Disclaimer...if your children are doing lots of clubs then I have nothing against this but my kids are still happy poking sticks in mud and rolling around in the grass after school!