First relationships - How do you instil a sense of self worth/value?

[TherapeuticVino]

Hi My daughter is 12 and has had a "boyfriend" at school for a few months. All very innocent, "boyfriend" in name only, not even hand holding as far as I know.

Anyway he has announced to her and most of the people in their class that he is thinking about dumping her but hasn't made his mind up yet, and she was telling me she would just have to wait and see what he decided, but it's embarrassing because everyone's talking about it.

I'm slightly horrified that she thinks it's ok to be treated like this - it seems to be setting a bad precedent - and spoke to her last night about how special and amazing she is and that she should expect to be treated kindly and with respect, not left hanging. Not sure how much of it was absorbed though...

So what do you say/do to make them realise that they need to have certain expectations? She's a sweet quiet little girl but I don't want her to be a doormat...

Or am I worrying over nothing?

You did the right thing reminding her that she's special and amazing. Is there a DP/DH in your life? Could he contribute? As a kid, I always took my Dad's opinion far more seriously than my mum's because he's not a big talker and, when he does, it's usually worth listening to.

That's a great idea. Will get DH to have a chat :) Thank you.

Vino how does she feel about waiting to be dumped? Is she upset about it ? Just wondering as its not really a 'proper' relationship if there is that much to lose?

I think I'd want, like you I'm guessing, my 12 year old to say the 12 year old equivalent of "bugger that for a game of soldiers, I'm not hanging around while someone who doesn't have the sense to appreciate me decides whether he wants to be my boyfriend or not. You've just proved you don't deserve me so I'll spare you the mental agony, you're dumped."

I don't think it matters wether it's a proper relationship or not, the boy in this thinks he's calling the shots and it's okay to keep her on a string. Not something you want your DD to see as the norm and not uncommon in my DD's school sadly, where the year 6 boys seem to see having a girlfriend as the last cool accessory without the faintest idea of what to do with one when they have them and where the girls are taking it way too seriously.

Getting Dad involved is a good idea.

Paranoid she is upset that it's the hot topic of conversation more than anything - embarrassed that a "friend/boyfriend" would be talking about her behind her back.

WyrdMother that's EXACTLY how I was feeling.

Dad told her that she was amazing and boys sometime need a nudge to remember how lucky they are etc which she seemed to really listen to.The good news is that after our little chats she told him she didn't want to be his girlfriend if he was mean behind her back, and a couple of the other girls congratulated her for standing up for herself which also made her think....

Phew. On to the next new problem! Thanks for the advice

I'm so pleased it went okay! Pats on the back all round the Vino family I think.

I think that was a big success on a lot of levels. DD connecting with parents. DD standing up for herself with grubby boy. DD kicks ass in eyes of pals!!! All you have to do now is widen the front door so she can fit her confidence through... :)

I have to admit she's been holding her head a little higher since it happened, so it really was a good thing well disguised as a bad one. Thank you!