treats? pocket money? rewards? stuff that doesn't come under birthdays and christmas!

[stottiecake]

Well. I suppose I'm worried I have spoiled ds a bit. probably about 70% of the time when we are shopping ds we have bought ds something - a magazine/ matchbox car/ pkt of buttons. We do say 'no' if we are in a hurry or a bit short and he either accepts it or has a tantrum grumbles.

We began to do a reward thing to try and structure how he comes by treats but am not sure if I'm doing it right - how often to get treat to be a motivation and what size of treat?

Also at what age pocket money and how much? And do you advise on what to do with it? And are there conditions?

ds is 3.7.

thanks

I think he's a bit young, tbh.
Pocket money is a it pointless until they grasp the concept of 'value of money' and adding and subtracting and value of different coins and the concept of choosing to spend now or save and have a larger amount at the end of the month. I'd say that doesn't happen until they are 7 or older.
Re 'treats' , I don't think he needs to associate a packet of buttons with having to earn it either if I'm honest. It's nice to have a nice treat sometimes. As adults, I have some chocolate if I fancy it, not because I've done all the washing up or put the vac round.

As they get older, bribery can come into play, but at 3, it's too abstract a concept. "Rewards" need to be fairly instant and relate to whatever is happening at the time - doesn't have to be something you've bought, either, it can be a smile or a hug or clapping your hands, or a remark or compliment or thank you.

so it's ok just to get stuff would you say?
How often is it ok to have a treat? once a day? not sure if I'm judging it right.
I have choc every day.
the crux of the matter is he is beginning to whine when we are out and I don't like it. I say 'no' and stick to it.
Is it just his age?

No, it's not just his age. It's expectation. He has come to expect a treat every time you are out because that is what he is used to. He is starting to tantrum because he has found out that, when he does, it sometimes pays off and he gets the thing he wants.

It is easy to slip into this when they are very little, because they are not asking or pestering, so there seems to be no harm in buying them, something. Unfortunately, the pestering and tantrumming when told 'no' starts at around this age, IME.

If you are happy to carry on buying him little treats, then carry on, but you need to decide if it is under your control, or his. For instance, you could decide to put a cap on it by cost (ie £1 worth of treats a day), which he won't comprehend, but would help you to decide when he's had 'enough', and give you an answer you can stick to: 'No, you can't have that. You've had enough today' (repeat ad infinitum!).

Or maybe control it by telling him he can have one thing a day, no matter what it is, or what else he sees after he's already had the one thing. That would be hard for me to stick to, tbh, as I like to buy 'bargains' when they come up, buy it is an easy one for children to understand, and they can start to understand that they can wait for something better rather than wanting the first thing that comes along.

I think you need to put some sort of control into this, as to say 'yes' one day, and 'no' the next, will be very confusing for Ds, and will lead to pestering as he won't be sure you mean it when you say 'no'.

One trick I use all the time, when DS3 asks if he can have something, is to say 'yes, of course you can, when it's your birthday'. He has invariably forgotten about it within 5 minutes, but if he doesn't forget, I know he really wants the thing, and I can get it for him...for his birthday!

For sweets, I just say 'no' most of the time anyway, so the rare occassions when I buy them sweets, I decide in advance what I will get for them (I bought them all a lolly at the sweetshop yesterday for being good for their eye tests, but I wouldn't ley DS3 have a bag of chocolate buttons- it was a lolly or nothing, otherwise I have 3 DSs all 'choosing', and I end up spending 3x£1.50 instead of 3x15p, as I'd planned! They got a 'choice', as they chose their lolly flavour.

Theres no harm in the occasional treat. I think that they need to be random though and not necessarily associated with going shopping. And of course a treat does not have to be something that you have bought fir him - my Ds would happily go home with a handful of advertising leaflets for instance; or would help me choose a pudding for us all etc

thanks for all your tips and advice!

Have felt fairly rotten about it today - I don't want to be a mum that spoils her child. Anyway I think me and dh have come up with a solution that will be fair and consistant.

Something along the lines of one small thing - £1 - when at shops (once or twice a week) and a magazine or something from the local charity shop on a saturday - as long as no heinous crimes have been commited that week.

Will see how it goes

Started DS on pocket money at 4, largely to control the requests for a lolly every time we went to the village shop. He got the idea that he could use HIS money to buy a lolly but of his money had been spent no lolly. in addition to this he had a "treat" bought for him if he was very helpful on a big shop, or we were going on a long car journey ( magazine generally).

At 3.7 DS had no interest in sticker/ reward charts.