How & when to raise the subject.

[gobbledegook1]

I split up with my ex when I was 12 weeks pregnant with my DS due to DV and moved away without telling my ex when my DS was just a few months old.

Shortly after moving away I met someone else (who I am still with) and he has pretty much raised my son as his own.

When my son started to talk he latched onto calling my DP Daddy, not because we encouraged it but because his children did and I suppose he see's them as siblings and so in the end we just went along with it.

With my DS's Dad having recently been in touch saying he was going to take me to court for access (which never materialised) the topic obviously arose over the fact that where my DS is concerned my DP is his father and how at some point (especially if my ex ever does go ahead and file for access) he is going to have to be told the truth.

My question is how or when is the best time to go about doing this? DS is currently age 3.

My DP always tells people in front of DS that he is not actually his and his children always refer to him as their step-brother to their friends so my thinking is he will eventually latch on and ask the question(s) when he is old enough to understand and thus have it explained and be told the truth and he can then make his own choices about whether or not he want's to meet his biological father. My sister however keeps saying he should be told now and has tried telling him he has "two daddies" which has caused a few cross words and I think he just thinks she is stupid as he keeps correcting her and saying no he has 1 Daddy. My DP say's if he doesn't latch on and start asking it needs to be decided on when and how we go about telling him as he thinks leaving till he is a lot older could backfire and cause resentment towards me.

I'd be interested if others have been in a similar situation at what ages you told your children their 'parent' wasn't their biological parent and how they took it?

I think you go with the flow. I think it's quite acceptable and logical that he has one 'Daddy' and that is your DP. He also has a 'father' and that is the man he's never met. I don't think DP should be making a point of saying DS isn't his... sounds rather cruel and dismissive, even if it's biologically accurate. It would be nicer of his step-siblings to also accept him as 'brother' rather than being too hung up with titles. Your nasty sister should butt out because she sounds like she's just shit-stirring.

So I think the only thing you tell him at this stage is that he has 'Daddy' (DP) and that somewhere far away there is also 'father' who he may meet one day. He is far too young to understand the niceties of sperm-transfer.

Sorry... should have qualified this. In my own family there are two half-sister cousins who I grew up with. Their whole childhoods, they went on about 'my Daddy' and 'your Daddy' in an incredibly possessive and jealous way. If your DP is a long-term fixture in your DS's life and is raising him as his son, then he should acknowledge him as his son and get his children to acknowledge him as their brother. Otherwise your DS will get the idea that DP is 'their Daddy' and he'll feel like he doesn't belong.

Hi OP, I think it does come naturally with age and when they become inquisitive and ask themselves as Cogito has said.

My dd and ds are technically half siblings, but its not something that is ever considered in our home or within our family & friends. They both have relationships with their own dads, although exDP raised dd with me for 8 years from being 12 months-ish old. She used to think that everyone had a mummy, a daddy and a xxxx (exDP's name!). They both have different surnames too, as well as me still having my own!

I've alwys been pretty relaxed about it all, and whilst never hiding information/lying I only ever used to discuss it as they asked. Over the years I've realised that it is the issue that you make it iyswim? I used to fret about it to myself, but these days - meh - not bothered, and nor are they!

They are brother & sister, and we are all family. (dads included when we talk about family.)

So long as you, and your dp, raise your ds as honestly and as best you can he will grow up with the confidence to know that none of it really matters as long as he is loved and is part of your family, treated with the same love and respect as any other step/siblings.

In answer to your actual question, I think dd was about 2.5 when her dad made an impression on her as being her dad (and not ExP). She took it all in her little stride and I've always been glad I decided that open-ness and honesty was the way to go.

Thanks for the advice guys.

CogitoErgoSometimes It does irk me when DP says such things in front of him but then I question whether I am wrong to feel that way about it as at least it means we aren't being dishonest and hiding it and it gives him opportunity to question things when he is ready. I'm also not sure DP necessarily does it to be nasty or dismissive either he just isn't very tactful and its a complicated situation.

DP's children's mother (his wife) died of cancer just 12 months before we met and at that point my son was 5 months old and I think he kind of feels when people ask especially if they knew him and his wife and haven't seen him for years I think he feels that by saying my DS is his people will get the wrong idea and think he was cheating on his wife whilst she was ill. We also do not live together yet (though him and his children stay at mine several nights a week) and his family are very dismissive of me and my children and do not consider us family as my family do him and his children, an example of this being that if my DP's children go to stay with their maternal grandparents and my DP is looking after my children whilst I work or something he will be cut out of family events as my children are not welcome if his are not in attendance (or I will be cut out if I can not find a sitter) and at christmas get togethers (with the exception of his mum and brother) they only buy for my DP's children and not mine which has caused issue in the past as my eldest is autistic and always asks where his presents are and I have to explain why he didn't get any presents off certain people (as they are not his family) whereas my family wouldn't dream of doing such things (granted my family is smaller) and so I think it will probably only be a matter of time before my youngest DS starts to question it anyway.

I also get what you both say about titles, both my sisters have a different dad to me (same dad as each other) so are technically 'half sisters' however we have been raised as sisters and so that is how I refer to them. Both my son's have different fathers but they have also been raised as brothers and refer to each other as such just as we refer to my eldest's other half brother as his brother. The problem is DP's kids are also old and mentally aware enough to understand the concept of step families independently and thus they call him a step-brother as that is what they see him to be because they haven't been 'raised' with him as though he is a brother and I don't think DP would ever attempt to get them to say otherwise for fear of upsetting and annoying his or his wife's family.

Christ we sound like something off the Jeramy Kyle show!!

I would tell him now while he's young and will just accept it IMO it's quite traumatic when they are older, I wouldn't make a huge deal sitting him down and giving him a big talk just start talking about it like it's perfectly normal.