We just want some help

[Bliss66]

Our son is nearly 15. He is not a 'normal' teenager. He finds it hard to socialise and make friends.
He is a quiet boy - and we have tried everything we can to encourage and help him.
We had the TAC (Team around the child) meeting at the school a couple of weeks ago. And we left there feeling deflated and misunderstood.
There was an educational psychologist there too. He also met our son before our meeting.
In the meeting - everybody said that our was a pleasant boy and with his school work - he was 'coasting' (his writing is appalling and if he is set work - he will only write one or two lines and then give up).
He is a good boy - but that is only some of the time. He is also a good actor.
He lacks sympathy and empathy for others - and can be quite selfish. This all sounds odd - because he can be quite good.
His mind does not work like others.
For example - he once picked the buttons off his mobile phone. We told him off for breaking it and he said 'I have not broken it - I just picked the buttons off'. So he has this way - that if things are ok in his own mind - that they are not wrong.
We mentioned this at the meeting and they said 'well he did not break it'. Are they really stupid????? This is the sort of thing we face every day. But because he is not nasty - they think it is ok. He can get nasty - if he does not get his own way - or he can sulk for hours - which in our mind is a form of bullying.
Only this Monday - our son walked head first into the washing line and kept going. It could have hurt him or broken his glasses or pulled the washing off. That is not how a boy of nearly 15 should behave!
I have just received the results from the educational psychologist and he says there is nothing wrong with our son.
He has asked our son some questions - and understandably, our son has not told the truth. Who would, if they thought they were going to get into trouble? But why did the psychologist not peruse it?
For instance -his report says that I get stressed when cooking and my son is trying to talk to me. NO! my son likes to jump about in the kitchen and be silly when I have hot pans on the stove and hot dishes in the oven. He even does it when I have them in my hands!!!
So what now? I am upset and fuming!
I have already written to the school again - but this psychologist is not correct, as far as we are concerned.
Has he not dealt with kids who bend the truth????
We are not overzealous parents
Sorry for rant - I am raged

It is hard to tell from just that post of course but, as a former teacher, he doesn't sound different to many teenage boys I taught. Mood swings, odd behaviour, being slightly manic and then withdrawn - sounds like a teenage boy to me. Of course there is probably more to this but Ed Psychs are trained to see through any lies and so maybe you need to trust their judgement and accept his personality for what it is...?

PS teeenagers do rant and then sulk. This is not bullying. It does sound like you are struggling with his behaviour but also that you dislike him a bit.

He has been like this since he was nine. So it is not just teenage behaviour.
And anyway - I have never known teenagers to deliberately break things. Also, he does not care. I have been admitted to hospital twice and now face an operation, but he does not care. Even 'bad' teenagers care a bit

Teenagers are also notorious for lacking empathy and being selfish. My DSD sounds very similar (including socially awkward). There's nothing wrong with her that some emotional maturity, eventually, won't cure once the hormones stabilise.

But as you are clearly concerned you could try to get him independently assessed perhaps? I take it you are worried he is undiagnosed aspergers or ASD?

No, teenagers really don't care about anything but themselves most of the time. Self-obsession is standard. As is breaking things. Lots of school computers have been damaged by "normal" children just seeing what would happen if... I have always seen the teen years as a second toddlerdom - boundary pushing and tantrums all the way.
I also think that if you have a parent who obviously thinks there is something "wrong" with you it can be difficult to them empathise with that parent.
I realise I am sounding a little unsympathetic, but from the information you have given it does sound like its more about your perception of him than any diagnosable problem...

We do not talk to him as though there is anything wrong with him

It is so hard to detail on here

My husband is a former teacher and my brother in law is a headmaster (sorry - I should have said) and they have not seen behaviour like this in all their years.

Our son has come home from school on many occasions with food or pain on his uniform. He says that other chldren 'attacked' him. When we have delved furhter or asked the school to look into bullying - it turns out that it was our son who did these things

In that case you need need to get a private assessment. Obviously there is more to this thn you are able to describe if experienced teachers have never seen anything like it (did they teach in the state sector, with children with all sorts of abilities, backgrounds and needs because it does still read as pretty normal to me.
Children lie about getting stuff on them if they are worried about the consequences. I once had a child tell me her mother had died and that was why she hadn't done her homework. That child is now a delightful, well adjusted university student.

Teenagers lie, break things, manipulate you, have tantrums, behave erratically etc etc, mostly outside of their own control. But as I say, you are obviously worried so why not seek a second opinion from a child psychiatrist?

Thank you clemetteattlee - but as I keep saying, he has been like this for about 6 years - so not just a teenage thing

We were hoping that he would grow out of it - but he has not

It is not right to jump in a person's way - when they are holding a hot dish with a joint of meat in it (this happens a lot)

We are going to see a child psychiatrist

I am aware that children lie and manipulate etc - but this is everyday

Thank you for your comments

I'll let you know how we get on :)

What are you hoping to achieve through 'help' - extra support for your son with his school work, a diagnosis of some kind...? It's unlikely that anything will greatly change your son's behaviour apart from time and maturity - and he will change a lot in the next few years. How does he feel about the meetings at school etc? At that age I think I would have been confused and mortified by that and would have wondered what was wrong with me - and probably resented my parents a fair bit. He may not seem to be bothered about anything but there will be much more going on inside his head than he can/will communicate. Can you try to see the humorous side of some of the sillier things he does, let it go as irritating teenage behaviour and try to look for the positives? 15 is a difficult enough age anyway, especially if you know you're not popular and not doing so well at school... he really needs you on his side and showing him that you love him unconditionally at the moment.

We do laugh sometimes - we are not monsters

And it was not all one sided. Sorry - I keep forgetting things as there has been so much.

The school have written to us a few times regarding his work and behaviour - to the meeting was a joint decision. And we did not come to the decision easily. We do not want our son to feel 'different' or have any more pressure than he may have already.

There is silly behaviour and then there is down right stupid behaviour - that could involve himself or somebody else getting hurt.

And - we are on his side. He gets a lot of love. I have not stated that he doesn't.

It probably was not right to post on here - as it just looks like we have a stroppy teenager. It is not the case.

Regardless of everything I have said - he gets lots of love and support

Last week he threw soaking wet pieces of wet toilet roll all around the bathroom- that is not right. We did not tell him off. We just asked him why he did it. He always answers 'I don't know'

He does sound a little strange and are you implying that you are waiting for him to do something really terrible, either to himself or someone else. You talk about him as if you are scared of him which doesn't seem right. I find your posts chilling somehow.

It seems like a good plan to see a child phychiatrist. It would be helpful if you can see him or her on your own as well as with your son. The phych will know if it is best for that to be before or after seeing your son.

It might be good to write some incidents down to give to the phych so that you don't forget to tell him them.

Hi pippop1

I can see why you think we would be scared of him, from what I have said - but we are not

We are not waiting for him to harm himself or anybody else - this is why we asked the school for help - especially after they noticed that he was acting strangly too

There was a lady at the school who was very helpful. She asked us to write everything down and so we did. We did seem to make a little headway - and then she left

The support from the school now, is not so good. But we went to the meeting - and it was very strange.

Our son also likes childlike programmes and adverts. He can be fixed totally on something that is aimed at a five year old

I am not a psychologist myself - obviously, but I have done some counselling work in my time for the bereaved - so I am not exactly an idiot (not saying that anybody said I was) - so I am aware of feelings and body language

I will continue to note things for when we see how we go

Hi there, I'm sorry you are having such a worry with your DS. I have limited knowledge of teenagers, although I have just embarked on a teenage DS myself, but from what you say your son's behaviour sounds pretty 'boyish' but there's the odd thing that does concern me.

For instance, the jumping infront of you when you have the hot dishes etc. Does he realise, do you think, that you have hot things there? Even now my 13 year old DS can launch at me for a hug or just being clumsy near me and not realise I have something hot in hand. Then, if you tell him to be careful, does he realise what could have happened, what is his response? I think this is crucial to the psychological assessment, I'm no psychologist (qualified nurse and did a basic psychology course with the OU recently) but does he give an appropriate response e'g oh sorry, I should be more careful, or whatever. The other thing that would bother me is the blatant lying, all kids can pull the wool over our eyes but need to learn when they are over stepping the mark with it. Did the psychologist do a home assessment? People will automatically behave differently in different settings.

About the caring thing, I would say it's still early days at the age of 15, he's not had much experience of life yet. I would be worried if he was still uncaring in a 5 years time though. I would be too worried about the washing line and the phone thing, he could have just been inquisitive with the phone and got carried away. My DS announced that he went into the back garden to a bush swarming with bees the other night 'to try and get them to sting me', (!), needless to say we told him how stupid he was.

I hope I've helped a bit, treat him 'normally', don't put up with 'stupid' behaviour (see above) and just show him examples of caring and give him opportunities to care ( does he have a pet?). Good luck.

I meant to say I would NOT be too worried about the wahing line and phone, sorry....

Just seen the toilet roll thing. You are right to ask him why he did it but to be honest I would have told him off too, it's not really acceptable behaviour is it? I presume you would have told a 6 year old off? If you don't tell him off he'll think 'mum doesn't mind, there's nothing wrong with it, I'll do it again or somehthing similar' Point out the obvious if you have to, he's wasting toilet roll ( ok it doesn't cost the earth but it doesn't come free either) and he's making a mess, presume he cleaned it up?

Enough from me!