Depressed teen

[dalty]

Hi, i am at my most desperate. My DD aged 13 has recently told me she is depressed. She has self harmed twice to my knowledge. Cut herself on her hand and arm. I have got her to the Docs and we are now in the system. She has seen the CAMHS nurses and we have been signed up for family therapy. I don't know how to handle any of this. She has crashed into a depressed almost suicidal being. She has always had a low mood but now it is beyond anything i imagined. I have seen that , a few weeks ago, she started looking at suicide sites and says that she was just confused. She says that she does not how she feels. I try to keep her out of her room but she just looks so unhappy and is desperate to be alone. I try to let her do things she may enjoy. She still sees some of her friends but not like she used to. She says she cant be bothered with any of it and does not see the point. I took her to the Coldplay gig on saturday and she enjoyed that but has just sunk again now. She tells me that she does not want family therapy and that I can't make her. I am trying my best not to upset her because I am scared she will hurt herself. She told me a few months ago that she was bisexual and I have told the counsellors but she does not know that I have. I told her that she should be honest with them but she says she won't tell them. I just don't know how to handle it all. I went to my Drs today as I can feel myself slipping into a panic and I am confident that I will get the help I need to stay well but I just don't know how much of her behaviour is depression and how much of it is teen moodiness. She is v v bright but has always seemed to struggle with herself. Please can anyone advise or share an experience with me?

The two things you can do as a parent are to actively listen to your child and, if necessary, get them the best help you can. Listening is incredibly difficult. It's tempting to provide solutions like concert tickets and family therapy but often it's better to simply acknowledge her feelings. I think telling the counsellor that she is bisexual was a mistake, unfortunately. You really need her trust. If she trusts you enough to tell you how she's feeling... no matter how muddled that may be... and if you can listen without judging, leaping to conclusions or trying to fix things, you may find out what the problem really is.

No advice really Dalty but an experience. I was a very depressed teenager and when I told my mother she didn't believe me. We have a great relationship now, but my teenage years were awful, I just didn't think she loved me and didn't trust her to be there to support me. I self harmed for years, left home at 16 and didn't talk to my mother til I was 21 or so. We do now have a great relationship and she has apologised. She just didn't realise how low I was feeling. I have also recovered and am fine now.

The only thing I wanted was my mum to take me seriously, and that is exactly what you are doing. You are listening to her, she feels she can talk to you and is still willing to do things with you like the Coldplay concert. What she needs most of all is your love, and she knows you have that. I wish I had more advice for you but I don't really know what services are available for teenagers. She might not be able to articulate it at the moment but she is grateful fo rwhat you are doing.

You sound like a lovely mother.

As above...don't try to cheer her up or advise; just listen and acknowledge.

It's OK for you to feel lost. How about speaking to the GP or CAMHS for advice to enable yourself to be strong enough to cope. There is also support in the internet via NHS direct.

Take care and good luck.

Thank you for all your comments and advice. I have had depression myself in the past and grew up with a deperssed mum. I think that makes it worse because I think I know how she feels and am trying to tell her that it will be ok. I think you are right that I should just be there for her and let her know that i love her. I just want her to be happy. her younger sister (11) is going to pick up on all this soon and i want to protect her from it. I think she senses something is wrong but she is so different to her sister- she is always positive, takes care of her appearance ( a bit too much) and is ,according to DD1, a popular! Dd1 is popular also but is is more tom boyish and not into following the crowd. They are both at the same school and seem to get on most of the time. DD1 seems adamant that she does not want DD2 to know.
Although I told the counsellors about DD1's bisexuality they have promised not to bring it up unless she does. I was so worried about her that i just wanted to give them a full picture of her so that they could 'work their magic' a bit more quickly! i wish i could fast forward 6 months and it all be ok for her.
I am going to access some support/counselling as I think I am going to drive myself crazy!

Is she on anti depressants? It sounds like they might really help.

I agree with Mechavivzilla - I was another depressed teen and never got any help because my mum's attitude was 'pull yourself together'.
Just acknowledging her feelings and getting her professional help will be the biggest thing.
It sounds like you two have a wonderful, trustful, intimate relationship - this will be more help to her than you can imagine.

May be totally barking up the wrong tree, but please check whether she is on any medication which can cause depression / suicidal thoughts / low mood etc. Can be anti-histamines, hayfever meds etc. Of course, most people don't get these side effects, but some people do.

If not, then I agree with what everyone else has said: be supportive, try to understand her point of view and keep going to CAMHS.

ZXCV123- she does take hayfever medication. I will look into that . Good call! ( I am so hoping now that it is going to be so simple)
I feel so much better today. I am going to stop scrutinising her every mood.
She has started using a private browser on her netbook when I checked last night. She says it is because it causes the computer to go slow otherwise. I have slept on it and realise that she is trying it on with me. I am going to explain to her that unless I can see a trail of the sites that she visits which relate to the times that I know she is in her room on the netbook then I will remove it from her room. Does that sound reasonable? A couple of weeks ago I saw that she has registered on Yahoo and was using a forum there to discuss how she was feeling. She had also looked up whether it hurts when you hang yourself and where the best place to cut was. Some people were kind enough to advise her on these points. How nice!!!!!! She knows that I am looking on her history and why as I have discussed it with her. I am sure she feels that I am invading her privacy but I need her to understand why.

Someone in my family became suicidal / hearing voices / self-harming / went on hunger strike etc whilst on prescribed hayfever meds. Took a long time and a lot of distress all round to work out what was causing it. He now has "must not take anti-histamines" written all over his medical notes. Like your DD, he is also someone who naturally has a low mood - perhaps these medicines push them over the edge (whereas people of a more sunny disposition just feel a bit drowsy taking them)?

Could you just stop giving her the hayfever meds for a couple of weeks to see if it makes any difference??

What a nightmare your DD being able to talk to people on the internet about suicide methods! I think my gut reaction would be to not let her have internet access in her room and to require her to use the internet in a family room instead. I would say to her you are doing it for her own protection and because you love her and want to keep her safe. Who knows if that's an advisable thing to do though?...can you get advice from CAMHS about that?

I would be inclined to have a heart-to-heart chat with her about how completely devastated you would be if she did anything like that; how you wouldn't want to go on living; how her sister's life would be ruined too etc etc. I do feel really uneasy when you hear of those websites set up after a young person has died or killed themselves and all their friends post messages to them as if they are still alive - like as if they think they can read the messages! I sometimes get the feeling that young people perhaps don't understand the finality of it. They think by killing themselves it will stop whatever pain they are in at the time, but don't realise the total heartache they would cause all their family and friends for the rest of their lives.

I do feel for you and wish you all the best.

She is in the living room now and won't let me sit in there with her. She says she just wants to be left alone. I just don't know what to do. I can't force her to talk to me and she is just getting agitated by me. I just feel so sick and worried about her. We have been put forward for Family Therapy but I think DD would be better on a one to one basis for now. I think she is struggling with me. She won't eat anything today. Is just refusing to engage with me at all.

:(

How stressful for you all. Not sure I have any great advice but just a little point on computers, iphones, ipods in the bedroom at night when they should be going to sleep. Dd 14 has been bullied since March by her xbf and classmates - both at school and on fb. When dh looked up her history and with her phone where one can see all calls and texts online, he discovered she'd been texting until 2am! So now every night I round up ds and dd's phone, ipods (they don't have their own computer), take them from them until the following day. About a week later dd commented how much better (despute the bullying) she was sleeping as she didn't feel compelled to be on line/texting. Just a thought. Your poor dd needs to be watched very carefully what she is accessing.

I'm glad to hear that you have CAMHS involved (disclosure - I'm a CAMHS practitioner). I strongly suggest that you talk to the CAMHS worker about your concerns and what your daughter feels about working with CAMHS and family therapy.
I know it's a worrying time for you but please try to carry on life as normal with your daughter. Don't let her depression and negative feelings become the focus of family life. She needs to still feel that she is a normal teen, and all the considerations of normal teen home life will still apply...she will still want a bit of space from parents and it is ok to give that. You don't have to attempt to distract her out of how she is feeling, just encourage her to talk if she wants to and let her know that you're there for her but it is life as normal also.
Please spend a little time dealing with your own anxiety about all this. Has it triggered memories or feelings for you about your own depression and difficult times? Get in touch with where you are at with all of it.
And please don't panic.....it is worrying and a tricky time but the chances are that she will come out of it fine as you did. It can be seen as a learning time for her in acquiring coping and life skills.
And let her know that sometimes feeling down is part of being a thinking, feeling person and that is ok.....we just need to learn how to handle that.

That said, I would restrict her internet use at the moment. It's not helpful for her to be accessing random forums - some of them could be positively damaging.
Regarding her searching about ways of self harming -if she doesn't have a history of self harm this may just be an expression of how she is feeling rather than an intention to do anything - but you must let the CAMHS worker know about this so that they can give you proper advice.

Re her not wanting to attend therapy...well, you can't force her to talk but you can take the lead in deciding whether you all go or not. Let her know that it is normal to be a bit nervous about it until she has tried it and got more familiar with it. Let her know that she will be attending with you but nobody is going to force her to say anything that she doesn't want to.

But please do talk to the CAMHS worker about your worries. Best wishes.

Sorry I missed the bit where you said she had self harmed twice before. My post above still stands, but talk to the CAMHS worker soon.

Thank you for your posts. Selk- your advice is really helpful. I don'y have time to respond and give an update now as we are going out but I just wanted to say thank you for now