Teaching 18mo "sorry"

[matana]

DS has been going through an on and off phase of smacking/ hitting for the past couple of months. It's mostly through frustration and mostly just directed at me and DH. On the whole he's a very happy, contented little boy who is developing absolutely normally and is a pleasure to be around. He understands most of what we say to him (and sometimes when we're just talking about him he'll go off and do the thing he thinks we're talking about!) but he has less than 20 words that he says on a regular basis. Things like 'ball' and 'oh no' etc. When he smacks we take his hands firmly in ours, look him in the eye and say calmly but firmly: "No, i know you're angry but we don't hit. Be calm/ gentle."

He sees his 3yo cousin quite a lot. Being the age she is, she takes things off him quite a lot when he's playing and sometimes shouts at him if he does something she doesn't like. Until a few months ago he'd have just gone off and played with something else but he's started retaliating by smacking. On Saturday his cousin took something off him so when she turned around he tried to stop her by grabbing her hair. We gave it our usual response, but this wasn't enough for my bil, who repeatedly asked him to say sorry quite crossly. I explained that he doesn't yet understand 'sorry' or know how to say it, it's not in his vocabulary. After several more attempts, he suggested he give his cousin a kiss instead, which he obligingly did. I thought this was a good outcome (though was a little annoyed at the bullying tactics that had been employed before we got to this solution).

I suppose my question is, is it unreasonable to expect an 18mo to demonstrate 'sorry' (i.e. is it too early?) and, if not, what's the best way to go about teaching him? Or is it best to wait a few more months until his communication skills are better? I wouldn't have questioned myself, but for bil's snipe: "Haven't you taught your child sorry yet?" I think he thought we were letting him get away with it, but we had already addressed the situation by firmly telling DS that his behaviour was not acceptable.

Good grief. I think that your bil is seriously out of order. I know a number of adults who struggle with sorry - and my DS (5 nearly 6) has only just grasped it! It is a really hard concept - it involves thinking how someone else feels, how you yourself would feel, how society views behaviour etc etc, all quite sophisticated processes. I (and it sounds like you too) would prefer to have a child that understands what 'sorry' means and when to use it - rather than a child that just repeats it parrot fashion. Sounds as if you are doing exactly the right thing! Good luck.

yes, it's far too early, both in terms of speech development and social understanding. they don't really develop a proper theory of mind, and therefore an understanding that other people have feelings, until they are older toddlers/preschoolers.

i remember a friend of DH's refusing to give 15mo dd1 a biscuit until she said please. now she's the parent of a child who didn't utter her first word until 18mo, i am very tempted to remind her about this (although won't do, obviously)

Well, you could add it to the things you say to him when he smacks. "We don't hit, hitting hurts and when we hurt someone we say sorry." (A kiss or a stroke are fine as replacements for the actual word). Mine couldn't say sorry at 18 months but they could at 20m. I tend to disagree that there's 'no point' in teaching them until they properly understand empathy - they don't really understand the no hitting rule either but they don't have to, they just have to do it. I think teaching them that saying 'sorry' is one of the consequences of doing something wrong is a good thing even if they don't understand actual contrition.

My 20 month old says sorry when she hits us (!) she has started to say sorry unprompted when we are clearly upset by her actions. She stood on her baby doll the other day and said 'sorry baby'. She also hurt herself and said 'sorry {name}' Very cute and I think it proves that she must have some understanding of the word sorry. I don't think she fully grasps it and maybe she just sees it as a consequence of someone being hurt...but she still therefore must understand what's happening?!

I think that your BIL was out of order though, especially for pushing it after you'd explained that your son didn't know that word etc.