why do so many people choose to have children?

[onedayamumihope]

Hi all,

I'm fairly new to this site, no children yet, but DH is keen, and we are hoping to start TTC next year, but I'm hoping someone can answer a question which has always been on my mind...why do people choose to have children and once they arrive what are the positives?

unlike most people, I've only heard the negative comments about money, stress, worry. I hear a lot of moaning about having children and I've also got a history of depression so I'm keen to hear the positives....

Thanks! :)

A large minority of children are unplanned. Parents just get on with it.

I wanted something that was half me and half of the person I love most in the world.

DilysPrice That answer is GENIUS. I'm going to memorise it and tell the world.

And I love your nn. DS is the biggest Fireman Sam fan ever.

actually floozie my DS2 is the biggest Firemen Sam fan ever He says 'ohhhhh maaaam' just like Norman. He is 2.4. The first thing he says in the morning when he wakes up is 'Where's Sam, Sam's gone' etc

And ref the excitement over tiny stuff, we had a moment of true toddler excitement yesterday when DS2 discovered his first woodlouse!

I never wanted children but DH did so I thought I'd give it a whirl - I liked the idea of creating a new kinship line on the family tree . My goodness, I am so happy I have DD (4) - never before have I experienced such pure, deep love. As much as she sometimes annoys the hell out of me, I love love love her. Plus she makes me laugh. It's also amazing to see life afresh - through their eyes - the wonder of life... I'm not as jaded as I used to be.

Its the love thing. That leap of faith to forever have 'your heart walking around outside your body'. Nothing else even comes close. And it's why you don't kill them for waking you up again at 3am .

I grew up knowing many friends of my mum who were childless, and am now witnessing their lives which are often devoid of meaning (it is their own admission rather than my judgement). So I think it is partly an egoistic decision to be less lonely. Also, sharing and passing on your own self (and ego) is immensely gratifying. On the other hand, seeing how small persons grow and blossom (if you get it right :) ) is gratifying beyond words. Being part of a creature's coming into existence and into being a person is really the centre of the meaning of human life.
The moaning and money worries will be there. But do not let them dominate, it is a choice, really.
I'd also suggest you read The aware baby by Aletha Solter whilst you prepare to become a parent. It will save you much pain and searching later. I wish I had discovered her books when I was pregnant, but I searched for 5 years before I learned to live in peace with the downsides of babies - their crying, tantruming and fights against their dear parents.
Good luck!
M

Hmm, I was always a bit ambivalent about having children, thought I wouldn't really mind either way, probably leant a bit more towards not really wanting them - but when I thought about not being able to have them, that was a bad thought.

So I bimbled along assuming that I might have some at some point depending on the partner I ended up with - and DH wanted 2 DC, so we went for it.

Just before DS was born, the day I went in for induction, I was still not sure I was cut out for motherhood and had a bit of a panic attack (not at DH, but to a couple of friends and my Dad) - but when he was finally born, it was just the best thing ever. I changed completely - became this attachmenty parent, completely the opposite of how I expected I'd be. Best thing I ever did and DS is fabulous. Finally pg with no. 2 now, and still a bit iffy about doing it again, but hoping that it will work out as well as it did with DS.

That doesn't really answer your question - but the reason why I chose to have DC is because DH wanted them and I was happy to go along with it (and very glad I did!)

Brilliant answers...
Like Thumbwitch above, I was never quite sure I actually wanted any. Spent a year as a nanny and it put me off for 10 years :)
and then I got older, and I got broody, and someone said the wise words of nobody ever regretting having children... And so NOT having them seemed the bigger gamble. Suddenly, there was a time when it fit in with what was going on in life in general, TTC and got lucky. Had a terrrrible pregnancy, and an awful birth, and if there had been a reset button to hit while in labour, I'd have done it... And then DS was in the world, and it was love at first sight. It was everything everyone has already said on this thread, and more. And you know what proves the point even more? Most people go on to have another one, and then some...

Which is what we did. Just as we were coming out of the baby-fog, TTCd again. Got lucky. Had an easier pregnancy and a fantastic birth. All along, I was worried about how I could possibly love anyone else as much as I love DS. And now, I've just looked down at DD sleeping in my lap, and cried. Because there is SO much love, my heart might burst.

I always said I didn't want children growing up, I'm really apathetic about babies and Other People's Children don't really interest me so much. I have two now, 7 and almost 3 and they are exasperating, occasionally disgusting, drive me to the brink of insanity and have the ability to press every one of my buttons. The responsibility is endless, as is the guilt.

However, I wouldn't give them up for anything. Tonight DS (almost 3) sat in my lap for his stories and he sat there listening intently, rapt, fascinated by what he was seeing and hearing. His hand was on mine absent-mindedly stroking my fingers and when I finished the book he spontaneously kissed me on the cheek. My heart melted. I get that feeling every day.

Then I went through to my seven year old who listened to her story, tucked under my arm. Then we chatted for half an hour and she was bright and clever and beautiful, full of curiosity and excitement and questions. And it was fun answering them and getting the feeling that I am filling her up with knowledge, that I am contributing to how she views the world around her.

Both of them make me so proud everyday. And I'm proud of myself for not breaking them making two such warm, loving, considerate, energetic, clever, beautiful little children.

I don't have teenagers yet though.....

I second all the lovely stuff that R2peepoo said (too tired to write more) but I'd like to add that a friend recently asked me the same question and I was honestly so fed up that my best answer was 'the reason to have kids is avoid the pain that goes with wanting them but having none'. For me this pain would be so unbearable (i think daily of all the women who want but cant have kids) that any kind of sleep deprivation/mind numbing boredom and constant household chores is preferable. However the good stuff is great. Incomparable to other good stuff in life. Similar to being in love I think only that the 'romance stage' has the potential to last 13 years (teenagers arghhh) rather than 3 months.

Because even when your life is hard and shitty and you haven't slept in years never mind weeks , the deep down love I have for my children is the one thing that makes everything better. My Mum says grandchildren too

Because they amaze you everyday !
There is nothing as pure as the love of your child, iam a soppy soul!

Think if you are asking this question maybe you shouldn't have any. You'll just know you want them and that's it. If you are wondernig at all why people have kids then you obviously dont know you want them (at the moment at least) and you really need to want to have kids if you are going for it because it's hard work and you are responsibile for another human being's life and welfare, so it's not for those who aren't totally sure...

BTW there is no particular link between depression and PND. In fact those with kids are less likely to be depressed or to commit suicide. Funny how having another human being totally dependent on you and so totally filling your life that there is no room for anything else concentrates the mind!

I think i got to my late 20s and thought: "I'm missing out". Tbh until then it hadn't really bothered me that much, it had all seemed so far off. DH had 2 DDs when i met him at 23 (he was 33) and i suppose it got to me that he had with his ex what i didn't have with him. That sounds very childish, but i don't know how else to explain it. I suppose 'deep commitment' is a better phrase. We tried for ages and then i was told i had PCOS and might never have children naturally. Then one day we decided to adopt instead, which was when i found out i was pregnant and i feel remarkably blessed. Nothing in the world prepares you for the love you have for your child. My 18 mo DS is remarkable, gorgeous, outstandingly perfect in every single little detail. I cannot keep my eyes off him because he fascinates me every day by doing something he couldn't do yesterday. I'm afraid that if i look away i'll miss something. The best is when he's sleeping and we look in at him at night, legs tucked under his tummy in a fetal position, snuggling his little sheep and sucking the label. Without fail, i always marvel at the perfection of nature to think that a collection of cells became this perfect, joyful, amazing human being. And that were are responsible for it!

I was a bit perplexed about why people would want kids, then I got pregnant accidently, and all people talked about was how little sleep you'd get and how much work it was. I was really worried. Nobody told me how much fun it is- my ds is 7mo and has the funniest little personality already. My dh and I laugh all the time at his little ways, and we do silly things like look through photos of him when he's asleep (I miss him when he's in the next bloody room!!) We made a little person- it's amazing!

Thanks everyone! Some amazing comments...I definitely feel more relaxed about having children now...thank you! :)

Because its the most frustrating, heartbreaking, painful, glorious, exciting, loving, unifying, wonderful, amazing journey you'll ever take.

The good AND the bad.

I think you raise a very good point though.

Kids are bloody hard work. Incredibly hard. And You cant ever stop being a parent - for the rest of your life your kids will be bloody hard work.

It is fine to choose not to have them.

I would not encourage anyone who is ambivalent to have a child......

I thought I could not have kids and so had never really considered I would. My DD and DS due next month chose me rather than the other way round.

HUGE life changes, HUGE stresses and the like - but honestly the BEST thing that ever happened to me.

Erm... I didn't want kids for ages. (lots of reasons). My advice, unless you have a real burning desire to hand kids... Don't Do It...
Really... Its a massive life changing thing amd unless you actively want it the sacrifices that it entail will be hard to bare.

Having kids is really hard work, OP, which is why everyone moans so much.

But I think you also moan about kids because they fill your world so any issues affecting them are the most important to you.

But my toddler son is hilarious. He really makes me laugh. I have a very busy stressful job and it's wonderful to come home and run about the garden blowing bubbles. His joy in things rubs off on me and makes me more of a fun, lighthearted person than I was before he came along. Also as a slightly depressive individual, I find not having time to be too introspective or overthink things is good for me. It's hard to maintain misery when someone so small kisses you and says "oh come come mama" and pulls you into a big hug.

I think the real key is that I know a lot of people with kids and no-one regrets having them.

OP it is the most amazing thing you will ever do and the most important job in the world. IMHO though I'd think carefully about the age gap if having more than one. I was over the moon until my DD was 18 months and pregnant with my DS then it got much harder. For me 2 years is a challenging age gap. But enjoy the 'babymoon' with your first it's just wonderful even with the tiredness etc!