I am doubting my ability to have another baby (again)

[emmyloo2]

Posted on this before but I am feeling overwhelmed again.

Does anyone sometimes wonder whether they have the patience for babies/toddlers? I have a 19 month old who I love to death but I find it all so tiring. The constant tantrums, constant whingeing, the early waking morning after morning after morning. I feel like I never ever get a break. I work full-time and my job is really stressful and the moment and then I come home and have another two hours of "work" ahead of me putting my DS to bed.

Yet I know I have a lot more help that others so I have decided it really is just me and I shouldn't have babies or toddlers. It's like I don't have the patience or something. I just sometimes want peace. Just a break.

So I told my DH husband today I don't think we should have a second baby. He thinks our DS1 needs a sibling. I don't know if I can do it all again. I know when my DS is older and can talk and understand things properly I will love it. I think I am going to love it when he gets to 4 or 5 and then onwards. But I don't think I can handle going back to beginning with a newborn.

DS1 is an "energetic" child to put it mildly.

Are there really some of us who just shouldn't have more than one child?

DH thinks we should have stuck at one child. Yes, it is hard at that age. But....things do get easier, and when your DS is off to nursery you'll get a bit of a break and you'll probably find you'll consider having another when he's several months older than he is now.

I have a three year gap between both my boys, and I could not even consider being pregnant with a baby, it just didn't cross my mind because I was so sleep deprived and found it 'hard work', so to speak (and I didn't have a full time job!!) so that is my take on it. I also found it worrying, being pregnant, and I was glad to have the baby at the end of it all (both times). I said no way am I going through all that again.

I really have no idea how others cope with more than two children. The starting all over again bit for me is what makes me wonder how do others just get to a settled stage in life with their children and then do it all over again and again and again and again. Do they never want a break??? It is like Groundhog Day.

Or you could just go with your gut and stick with one child, it is not that uncommon these days.

I felt like you with PND thrown into the mix, also hospitalisations/ health complications for DD and stuck with one - it has been lovely actually and right for us completely. Not everyone suits 2/3 children

Emmy, I could have written that post. I too have a 19mo ds. I too work full time. And I too doubt that I will have another!

Like you, I find it very overwhelming at times. For mostly the same reasons - early wakings/night waking, no me-time, the stress of being at work all day and then having to put ds to bed, all the while feeling guilty that I haven't been with him all day. The stress of wondering about him all the time, has he had enough to eat? has he slept enough? is he on track developmentally? what is that rash? etc etc.. I love being a mummy, and I ADORE my ds more than anything in the world, but I find it all so.. full on. I have told my dh we're sticking at one and he is fine with that. I do sometimes feel that I should give my ds a sibling.. but I know that the only person I should have another baby for is myself. And if that yearning never comes - well, my ds is very well loved and the happiest little boy ever. I'd rather be a good and happy mum of 1, than a stressed and miserable mum of 2. Theres nothing wrong with only having 1 child :)

Toddlers are HARD work. In some ways they seem to need you more than a baby, and with working fulltime, you must be feeling really stretched emotionally. 19 months is really little yet, and I really hate to say it, but between now and 2.5-3 years ish they can be really really testing. I have never had a child older than 2 and not been pregnant again, and I must admit the added strain of pregnancy really shows in my patience .

I remember thinking with DC1 that I had somehow 'lost' him when he entered the awful toddler tantrum phase, and that my beautiful placid baby was gone forever. Well, he's 7 now and very different, but definitely just as adorable as when he was a baby.

Sometime during that second half of the second year or the whole of the third one is when toddlers learn that the people they care most about (i.e. you) don't always want the same things as they do. that's a really hard lesson and it is a period of growing independence, but also great neediness. Often what's going on in their head comes out all over their poor little faces (with screaming to boot). It is hard to stay calm.

I well remember the bedtime shenanigans DC1 put on at about this age and how it would take all evening to get him to sleep. Not what I wanted after work!

It does get better, promise . Nothing lasts forever.

Whether or not you want another DC or exactly when is only a question you and your DH/DP can answer together. I have three now and am expecting DC4, and wouldn't change anything. I'm still no more of a natural with toddlers, but I have learned a lot of tricks and techniques (and patience!) to get me through and have faith based on experience that they come out of the other end eventually. The first time was the hardest, for almost every phase, even though every child is different.

I am just wondering that if you work full time then does your husband do an equal amount of stuff at home including putting your son to bed etc.?

I have got to say that 2 is much harder than just one so don't rush into it if you are struggling to cope. There is no hurry to have a second either. You can have any age gap you are happy with. My two fight like cat and dog (2.5 yr age gap) and they are 5 and 7 and I am still wondering when it will get easier!! Despite this I really want a third but am still waiting till I feel I could cope - so I doubt it will ever happen!!

My DS1 was very active and there was NO way we ready to think about having another until he was over 2 - DS2 was a much easier baby/child in a lot of ways - 4 year gap in the end - worked for us - we were dreading it but actually its been much better than we thought
I would look at reducing stress levels as much as possible -whether you decide re 2nd baby- does your DH do any drop off and pick up-I find that adds to stress levels if I am doing both especially when I am busy at work
is there scope for cleaners/shopping delivery -
oh and do take sometime for yourself - have a day off - and have DS in childcare for a shortday - get your DH to take DS out for the morning at the weekend - that kind of thing
and look at the work siutation - what is particuarly stressful - you could try posting on the employment issues section on here

I feel similarly to you emmyloo, I have a very "energetic" 18mo DS and I just can't imagine having the energy/patience to deal with another one at the moment (I also have a stressful full-time job). Some of my friends with children the same age as DS are expecting again which seems crazy to me, I don't know where they have the energy even to contemplate a second! I feel tired all the time despite DS being a good sleeper (although 5.30am wake ups are an unwelcome recent development).

I do know that I want another DC at some point though and am just hoping that I start to find life easier to cope with once DS is a little older. For now, I'm just trying to enjoy him as much as I can (and a after bedtime helps too!)

If you don't want another baby don't have one. It's not for your DH to announce there will be another but for the pair of you to think about. I don't think having one just because he "should" have a sibling is a good reason. You have to at least want the new baby or you will resent it.

If your DH is so keen he could always take a career break to do the maternity leave year.

There is no magic number of kids we all have to have. Don't have a second because you're badgered into it.

I hope your DH is doing 50% of the parenting when he's home and making the same level of "sacrifice" for family life and its not just you running yourself ragged whilst he's living the same life he's always had with a bit of playing with your ds at the weekend.

OP I could have pretty much written your post and it makes me really sad as I always loved babies and toddlers and thought I wanted at least 2 - until I had DS! At the moment I really don't want another one (though DH does) but I expect I'll get broody enough again at some point to forget how awful the first year was and then we might do it all again. I think maybe we should stick at one though, but somehow it doesn't feel the the 'done thing' and I ought to have another...
sorry for the rambling - just letting you know you're not alone!

Thanks everybody. The advice is very helpful.

Just to answer a few queries - my husband does do his fair share. He is sometimes better with DS than me because he is more patient and less anxious and up tight about things. So a lot of the time I think he is better than me. We sort of divide things between us but I do the majority oft he organizational things aroud the house because he is hopeless at that. However he does the washing and does breakfast a lot of the mornings. So I really have no complaints about him. I think for me, it's the stress of work at the moment (not enough hours to get the work done - nature of the job) and then I find DS's sleep and routine quite stressful. He has started wakng very early - 4am every morning basically and I feel like we are doing it all wrong. I keep questioning whether we are doing something wrong and this is why he is waking up. Plus people keep telling me we need to let him cry himself back to sleep but we have tried and it doesn't work. So this is playing on my mind.

I do want a second child - I love the idea of two kids going to primary school. Those are the years where I think I will be ok. Because it's not the busyness that bothers me but the anxiety and the unknown and the inability to communicate. So it's all led me to doubt my abilities.

Sorry I am sort of rambling but I am very grateful for your responses and advice. It really is helpful.

It will pass Emmyloo. You are not doing anything 'wrong'. You are not comfortable leaving him to cry, so you don't. That is fine, you are responsing to his needs, which is what young children need. You can ignore helpful advice if it doesn't suit you . It is exhausting and if work is stressful as well then it is not at all surprising you're feeling overhwelmed at the moment. Children sometimes go through bizarre phases where they exhibit behaviours that we can't understand or explain. With my eldest I used to spend ages analysing everything and trying to understand what was causing it and make changes to overcome it. As time has gone on, I have realised (mostly) that most of the time I never figure out what the 'problem' was, and it goes away on its own in time, no matter what I do or don't do. Mine have at various times had phases of pissing around at bedtime and waking v early. We have also had one who threw loud tantrums at 3am, waking the whole house, toddlers who've woken hourly throughout the night at various stages, toddlers who've demanded food in the middle of the night etc etc. Every phase passes eventually. I realise that this is a lot easier for me to say than when you're in the middle of it waiting it out, and I really don't mean to sound smug or anything.

On the subject of normal sleep in infants and toddlers this site is very interesting. A lot of it is about babies younger than yours, but it may still be of interest.

Your DS is still v young. Unless there's some pressing reason to consider a small age gap, you have time yet to consider a second child, and if the time's not right now, then perhaps you need to talk openly with your DH about your respective views on the topic? I'm not sure there's ever a 'right' time to have a child, nor is there any one perfect age gap for siblings. Only what feels OK at the time .

Thank you for starting this thread OP. I feel the same way - DS is 15 months and very energetic, sleeps through only a couple of nights a week (and by "through" I mean until about 5.30am) and is on the go constantly. He is lovely and a delight to be with, and I am crazy about him, but looking after him is very hard work. So although I wouldn't change anything and I actually love his curiosity and love of active play, I feel like I wouldn't have the energy to deal with a second DC.

We will probably end up with a 3 year age gap (at least), and I realise it's not for a while yet, but even so I feel like I should be more enthusiastic about it. The thing is, I really want 2 DCs, but how will I cope again with sleepless nights and colic? How will I be able to respond to their needs? Also, it might sound silly, but I love DS so much, I can't imagine how I could love another child just as much.

So I'm not best placed to give advice, but I would say if you're not ready yet then don't let the pressure get to you, and think about it again when your DS is older. I know many siblings with a 3 or 4 year age gap and it seems to work well.

i can only talk of my own experience. I have a DS 5 and a DD 4, there is a 16 month gap between them. We had planned a 2-3 year gap but i fell pregnant a little earlier.
I work full time in a stressful job, and returned to my when both my children were 6 months. My DS did not sleep through the night until he was 3 (when he had his tonsils and adenoids removed) and for the first 3 years was plagued with ear infections and bugs. He certainly was not the bouncing baby i had wanted or expected - he was such a handful and i was exhausted. Hwever, when DD arrived, i was better prepared and because of this i did things a little differently, eg put her to sleep in her own room in the dark from day 1, did not respond immediately to every cry (sometimes it was simply not possible as also had a 16 month old to look after!). MAybe as a result of this or maybe just luck she was a much easier child to look after and in many ways i dont think i found having her any more exhausting to having just one.
Now they are older they are still a handful, eneretic, constatnly testing boundaries and so on. I'm not sure parenting gets easier, it just gets different as they grow older.
I am still exhausted, still tired, but i love them so much i wouldn't have it any other way. And i really don't think 2 is harder than 1, but i'm sure others will disagree on that one.
I think you have to go with your own feelings. There is no right or wrong answer. But i was a scared as hell when i found out i was pregnant thinking how will i cope. But i think that fear made sure that i could cope - because i thought about it. But equally there is nothing wrong with having just 1 child either.
I just wanted to offer some reassurance that your feelings are normal, that most toddlers are very hard work, that you can and do cope with 2 and that it can be enjoyable if you decide to go down that route.

Tootired -lots and lots of us wondered before we had our second child how we could ever love another human being as much as our first child. How would there be enough to go round? I don't understand how it works, but the answer is that you just do. It's like instead of being split, the amount of love just doubles .

I think having two children is actually much harder than having one. Take twice as long getting them ready in the morning, giving them breakfast, making the lunch, dinner and then getting them ready for bed. It is drudgery.

I remember someone I knew had just had her second child and I said 'it must be diificult having two' and she said 'no actually, I find it's easier'. I couldn't believe her, and I still don't now that I've got two myself. It is exhausting every day.

I too know exactly how you feel, OP. My DD is 2 this month, and it's only been the last few months really that I could say I've been enjoying motherhood, at least some of the time. She wasn't an easy baby but by no means a terribly difficult one either, and has been sleeping through reliably from about 12 months. But she needs A LOT of attention, and of course the tantrums have started as well now...

Sometimes when she hugs me or gives me kisses now I find myself thinking about having another baby, but then the reality of what that would entail comes back to me and I'm not sure I could do it again. I really struggled for the first year, as I am absolutely terrible at dealing with sleep deprivation. I also had PND, and I keep thinking what if the next one is a terrible sleeper or has reflux or anything else that would make things even harder?

Two of my friends are due with their second later this year, so I'll see how they get on (though they'll probably be fine, they're absolute naturals at this parenting lark). I think if we do decide to go for a second DC it'll be around the time DD starts school, so I'd only have to deal with one during the day...