So sick of DD prefering DH to me

[ImStickMan]

DD1 is 2.6. She has always had a strong bond with DH, and rightly so as he is an excellent father. But she just rejects me completely when he's around

She's fine when it's just us (I'm a SAHM) but as soon as DH gets in from work it's all Daddy Daddy Daddy. She insists he takes her to the toilet, he plays with her and he is the one she goes to when she's crying ( never me)

I was hoping it was just a phase but it's gone on for months now. I haven't been able to put her to bed in so long I can't remember. Every night I try and she creates such a fuss that DH has to give in and do it.

It's not like seeing DH is a rare novelty either, due to his shifts he is actually around for a large portion of her day (finishes work at 1pm)

It's really getting me down now. I'm the one that got up to her every night as a baby, I'm the one that walked the floors when she was unwell, I'm the one that changes he sheets in the night when she has an accident and I'm the one that takes her to places she loves. I have endless patience with her and although am fairly strict, I'm also loving and affectionate, so the rejection just feels like a punch in the stomach.

I also have a DD2, who is 10 weeks old. I do so much for her (as does DH to be fair) but sometimes I just think, what's the point? She's only going to turn around and love DH more soon enough

I don't think the arrival of DD2 is responsible, she's been like this long before DD2 was born, and to be honest she still gets loads of attention despite their being a new baby in the house.

I'm just reaching a point now where I'm struggling with the rejection. My behaviour towards her hasn't changed, and no-one (other than DH) knows how bad it is. But I'm finding myself getting upset and resentful, which I know is ridiculous (just wait until she's a teenager, eh?)

I'm sorry I'm rambling now, I just don't know what to do.

I promise it'll all come full circle again and again. Dd used to do this (for years) and near broke my heart. It's much more even now with spells of me being in favour. Try not let it get to you too much. And do t let it affect your time with dd2.

It is obviously getting you down.

It is quite normal for kids to want the other parent as soon as they get in from work. And to test boundaries by insisting on having a particular parent do a particular job, like bedtime.

Does Daddy do all the fun stuff, the games and the making a mess? Does she perhaps see him as the fun parent and you as the work parent? If so, that's not fair to you.

Are you coping with it less well since dd2 arrived, could you be depressed? (Or at least the sleep deprivation magnifying the feelings that were already there).

I suppose the thing to remember, and it's easy to say I know, is that we don't care for our children for the reward of them loving us back. We do it because we love them.

Which is not to say you don't have any reason to feel upset, you do. What does your DH have to say about it, how does he support you?

You have to be the grown-up here. Little children wear their hearts on their sleeve, live in the moment and rarely act maliciously. As time goes on she will show affection towards lots of other people besides you and you can't afford to take it personally if you're not flavour of the month at that particular time. You are and will always be her mother.

Just because she wants your dh to put her to bed does not mean that should be always what she gets. Why not take it in turns with each child? That way each one gets either special mummy or daddy time on their own. My two used to do this, but always wanted me even when my dh was home - he hated it and I found it lovely, but rather suffocating tbh. It meant I could
Never have a break even when dh home, so in the end I used to go out when dh home - just walk to shop or something so they had no choice - it was dh or nothing! That broke the habit they had got into. Maybe you could try the same, but The other way round. Good luck and don't take it personally - toddlers are all me me me!
Luck

Meant good luck not just luck!

My dd did this to me at that age and I was just as upset as you but it is an important developmental PHASE. It will pass. My dd is now older and could not be any closer to me. She wants me all the time and we have a super strong bond but happily she also has a strong bond to her dad.

It may also be a reaction to the baby. Jealousy shows itself in many ways and again is common and normal. Try and arrange for special time with her every day, just you and her and it need only be 10 minutes of concentrated time on her. That makes a massive difference.

Try not to let it show that it bothers you and remember this is common and will pass.

In the meantime find an activity she loves and make it just mummy and dd time.

I hope that helps

My DS is 20 months and prefers his Daddy, though it is getting a bit better at the moment. Sometimes he won't even let me pick him up :(
I still put him to bed because I breastfeed him, so when he's tired he looks for me to give him 'booboo', but otherwise it's Daddy Daddy Daddy.

It is really hurtful sometimes. No advice, just sympathy. I often feel very about it, especially in public where it's obvious that DS is pushing me away in favour of DH. It's almost like people expect toddlers to gravitate to their mummies (because of traditional gender roles etc) so I worry people are thinking I'm a bad mum.

I do try not to take it personally but it is hard.

Sorry for unhelpful post

Thank you for everyones replies. It is getting me down more than usual but I'm trying to rise above it. I think my view is clouded by the fact that I had PND after she was born, and despite knowing full well I couldn't help it I'll feel forever guilty about how much I cried and hid in my bed that first year. Despite this I felt like he haf a strong bond and I love her so much.

I do feel like I do all the nagging and that DH is more fun. He just doesn't care as much as me about how much chocolate she gets, when she's allowed her dummy etc. We've argued about it before and to be fair he's started to change his ways, but she knows Daddy will cave if I'm not there.

That's pretty standard, isn't it? One parent stricter than the other? If parents were 100% identical and consistent I don't think children would benefit all that much. Having two different personalities as parents with slightly varying approaches just means children get to exercise their persuasion and negotiation skills, playing one off against the other. Have some commonality by all means but be flexible rather than driving a wedge

As regards the very early years. How much do you personally remember of life before about age 5? I think we're almost designed to forget the details of those first years of our lives so that inexperienced parents can make a few mistakes, and just be left with more general feelings of belonging and affection. If guilt is making you try to be the 'perfect parent' now... that could arguably be more damaging than going with the flow.

Months is still a phase, you know. Absolutely no prediction of the future or reflection of the past. Just keep on showing her love and staying calm, like you're doing. Enjoy the times when you have her on her own, and just accept that this favouring one parent thing and testing your reactions is part of her development.

It is completely normal. DD was like this when she was little, the bond between her and her dad was incredibly strong but slowly and surely the bond swung the other way. She does it partly because she knows you love her completely and she feels secure in the knowledge that you will love her regardless.

12yo ds has just moved his allegiance over to me, after 2 years of pretending I'm an overbearing harridan who hen-pecks his father. As long as dh and I are able to present a united front, I don't think it matters much; he is flexing his muscles but it gets him nowhere.

I had three Daddy's boys, all wanted him more cos he was the fun one. Every time he walked through the door I never got a look-in. It was great cos I just left them to it and got all the things done I hadn't managed to during the day. It didn't last much longer than when they turned 3 if I recall.

My fourth has always been a Mummy's boy, even now at 15. :)

Well, i wouldn't mind so much if DS preferred DH to me, but he's currently loving his CM which really hurts, i can assure you.

But anyway, who is it she wants when she's poorly? Most want their mums. Just remember you are her world and everything in it - you and her daddy together. Not much advice, just try to maintain some perspective and realise she'll soon reach a stage where mummy is the flavour of the month again and it'll be your DH's turn to feel pushed aside. Toddlers are notoriously egocentric, she'll have no clue about how her actions make other people feel until she's older.

It is entirely normal for a child of that age to prefer one parent over another and then switch allegiance at random! My DD 'prefers' her dad but she knows I'm the constant figure (SAHM) in her life, that sticks around and does all the shit jobs. Whereas her dad is around less and overcompensates with the attention he gives her when he gets home. My DS, 1yr old, prefers me and clings onto me 24/7 like a limpet, I can't even go to the toilet, he wants to sit on my lap! So it's hard both ways I think... either you're the doormat or suffocated!

Your DD doesn't do it to hurt you, though sometimes it can seem that way. She has absolutely no idea of how you're feeling, a child's frontal lobe (the social house in our brain) is not fully developed until the ages of 16-18 yrs old so empathy is not in her remit for a long time to come! Try to stay positive and united with your DH, if he's a good father and husband and you're the best mother you can be then your DD is a very lucky girl.