Help with 10 yr old PLEASE!

[Losingitall]

Sorry ? long and don?t want to drip-feed.

Bit of background ? 2 DS, 14 & 10. Divorced 8 years ago. Amicable relationship (for their sake) with their arse of a Dad, who in all that time has not managed t pay Child Support (apart from a 3 month period). Has not worked for most of the time we have been divorced.

ExH has a partner whom I and the children like. I remarried 18 months ago. In general relationships are good.

My DS has always been a little unusual, wants to be the centre of attention, throws tantrums, is sensitive, funny, intelligent, easily distracted. For 3 years now there have been behavioural problems at school. Not so much of a problem as he was younger but as he gets into the older age groups has become more obvious. He?s constantly up or down, there?s no balance, hyper happy and giddy, or moping, frustrated and angry.

Began with being on report for talking and not listening or concentration, progressed over the years from that to learning mentor.

I have pushed for some intervention as I believe there are underlying issues, EG underperforms in SATS when taken in class, over performs when taken in isolation. Some psychological issues too ? easily frustrated, angry, temper tantrums, obsession with things (currently death), hypochondriac etc etc
School can?t help because he is performing academically when isolated, but teacher agreed with me that there were concerns, and advised GP, CAMS referral ? which we have now had. They have referred to paediatric specialist for an ADHD assessment. Ex H attended all apts but made it clear he does not believe there is anything wrong ? ?just attention seeking behaviour?.

But?I?m beginning to think his problem is with me. He is angry with me, swears at me, will never do as he is told, pushes the boundaries constantly, winds his brother up (who will now do everything and anything to avoid him), and won?t maintain eye contact ever. He does none of this with his Dad! I feel as if he hates me. When I ask him why he treats us differently it?s because I tell him off and his dad doesn?t.
I have asked my other DS what he is like when at Dads (every other weekend and a couple of days a week after school for a few hours), and he says that DS (10) respects his dad more, doesn?t misbehave, does as he is told, never swears in front of him. Etc etc ? basically the opposite of the way he is with me.

I have tried so very often talking to him about this, I don?t understand why he behaves like this and it is tearing me apart. Especially considering that I have worked so hard to keep a roof over their heads, give them what they want in terms of sporting stuff, music lessons, holidays etc etc, whilst EX H has basically not worked and never contributed anything, it feels so unfair (and I know how pathetic that sounds but I really am desperate at the moment).

Last night DS said he never sees me as I?m always at work, which is not true, I do work and then spend most of my spare time ferrying them from one activity to another, none of which is appreciated at all by him.

Any help or advice???

Sounds like classic attention-seeking to me. If you're busy and his days are fully occupied with school and activities, the only time he gets your full attention is when you're annoyed with him. You've also got to be the disciplinarian if they're with you most of the time. This makes you the 'bad guy' unlike a layabout with too much time on his hands who probably lets things go more. Younger brothers often think the older one gets more concessions, special treatment, more attention.

So I'd be thinking about ways to get one on one time with the youngest. Drop the mantle of taxi-driver, breadwinner and so on for an afternoon, take a cue from DS2 what he'd like to do, leave big brother behind and get to know & respect each other as people rather than mother and son. Have some fun together. Talk about your respective lives... he probably doesn't appreciate how hard you work and maybe there are things he doesn't tell you about why he finds school so tough. Another day do the same thing with your eldest.

I had a recent conversation with my DS 8 about my working hours. I was considering applying for some full time positions and he really didn't want me to. It really surprised me that he was so bothered about just having me at home with him, even though like you I spend a lot of time taking him to activities. Apparently this isn't important, it's the time spent at home, just doing mum things that he likes.

I too think it sounds like attention seeking behaviour, he just wants to see more of you, not the back of your head whilst you drive him somewhere.

it sounds to me like your ds has some concentration problems and is erratic in his moods... this makes life quite hard from him and he's lashing out at you because you're there and he feels safe and secure that you won't reject him for this behaviour. Most children act worst with the parent they feel the most unconditionally loved by and if they need to test boundaries then that rebounds on the one that imposes boundaries.
it's not ideal but i wouldn't say in any way it's your fault, you're just suffering the consequences - i'd concentrate on getting ds seen about his concentration issues and giving him the tools to handle his moods/emotions better.

Sorry, just reread my post and realised it sounds like I'm blaming you - absolutely not! Children test the boundaries with parents when they know they are loved. I think a CAMHS referral is a good idea to explore any underlying needs.

Your description sounds exactly like DS 1, he has always needed a lot of attention. I am a Sahm but as he has ywo younger brothers he still doesn't get as much of me as he would like!

DH is the one who is at loggerheads with DS ATM. I have had more practice at handling him. We are phasing in a zero tolerance approach to wingeing right now as it is getting out of hand.

Interestingly DS 2 is on the autistic spectrum and I strongly suspect ds1 has an assortment of ADHD / ODD/ ASD traits but he refuses to be tested so I am left with my suspicions.

Are you me, losing?

Completely identikit situation with 10yo Ds, except that dh is here and no divorce.

He was eventually dx with ADHD, some aspergers traits and anxieties and phobias just before Christmas, and is taking vyvanse (an ADHD med) as a result. He's also gifted. School have viewed the concentration issues as fixed now that he is on meds, but the behaviour is exactly the same at home. Whether this is to do with the meds not having kicked in/ having worn off at each end of the school day is debatable, but I am not seeing what the school are seeing re concentration.

We even considered taking Ds out of school and home ed. he has real issues with control and power (in a sort of PDA way) and that coupled with an inability to stay on task means getting anything done is nigh on impossible. I'm kind of interested to see if he would start to self regulate if there was no pressure, iykwim. But the conservative in me thinks that the boundaries give him some stability...

We don't have the dynamic with the ex, obv. But I would push for proper full psycho- ed assessment and see what is thrown up. (this is obv going to happen, but I would encourage them to do a full assessment which covers iq as well as the Connors etc)

You might find 'misdiagnosis and dual diagnosis of gifted children' interesting. It doesn't have the separation dynamic, but will give you food for thought about some of the behaviours...

Thank you all so much for your replies, I feel better knowing others understand, and that some of you have experienced what I'm going through at the moment. The 1 on 1 time is a really good suggestion, and I am going to see if I can reduce my hours at work if possible. ExH gets all the good time, I get homework, baths tidying rooms etc

Mad woman - so interested in your experience with psych assessments. Waiting for the ADHD one, but his learning mentor had previously suggested Oppositional Defiance, and maybe even bi-polar (I cried when I read the symptoms as I could probably have ticked 9 out of 10 of them).

The concerning thing for me was that Sats at Christmas (mocks) he was all 3b's and 3 c's. They re-tested at Easter in a room on his own with an invigilator and he was 4A's and 5's. Anxieties - well, he's been to the GP twice now to convince him he doesn't have testicular cancer, and he cried and tantrummed for me to take him to A&E one night following a very minor head injury, as he was convinced he would die in his sleep.

Thank you all so much for responding!!

We've had ODD suggested, as well as ASD, so they do sound alarmingly similar.

I'm not entirely convinced about the current dx, but it will do as a work in progress and as a label is attracting some support, which has to be a good thing.

Hope the assessments give you a few clues x

Oh I think I meant PDA not ODD, have read so much over the years my middle aged brain gets muddled.

Oh I think I meant PDA not ODD, have read so much over the years my middle aged brain gets muddled.

Yep, we've had PDA suggested as well. there's so much overlap with this sort of thing that it's v easy to not be able to see the wood for the trees... And why ot's so difficult to sort out what's going on. Mostly it's trial and error, I think.