Wwyd ds5 spitting at us

[OhWhatNoooow]

When my ds5 gets upset or angry, he spits in our faces and hits us and also uses bad language. How would you deal with this behaviour? Its as if he can't control himself at all. When he calms down he is a totally different child. Time out doesnt work, neither do punishments. Somone suggested washing his mouth out with soap when he spits, but somehow I think it would make him more angry.

Time out isn't really a punishment - it is just a chance for both sides to cool off. I would try rewarding good behaviour - praise him and tell him you enjoy being with him when he behaves nicely. And on the flip side take away things/privileges if he does behave in this way.

I think they are pretty bright at this age and know what pushes your buttons. Try to stay cool and act almost bored with it, so he starts to think it doesn't inflame/embarrass you. Withdraw from him and just state simply that you don't want to be around him when he is like this. Again rejection is a pretty powerful tool if used calmly.

I wouldn't resort to washing his mouth out with soap. Though you could ask him to clean up his own spit after he has calmed down, explaining calmly that it shouldn't be your job to clean it up as he made it.
Perhaps you could try to have a chat with him (in a calm moment) about appropriate ways of reacting if he is angry or upset. I think it is important to acknowledge that he has a right to express these sentiments but that it is important that he does it in an acceptable manner.

Thanks for replying. I think I will try the ignore/rejection tactic because telling him off doesnt work as he now has my full attention. Whenever he is upset about something that has to do with me he calls me names, and I calmly tell him I don't want to be in the same room while he is behaving like that. Trouble is, he follows me

You have to scotch this one. I would go the isolation route because, as you say, telling him off just gives him the attention he wants. Spitting and swearing gets him put in his room with the door firmly shut so that he can't follow you around. Hold the handle if necessary. Only allowed back in your company when he calms down, apologises and behaves himself.

Agree with making a big fuss of him when he is cooperative and pleasant. Spend time together when that happens. But 'zero tolerance' for this nasty behaviour.

When he spits at you take something of his - favourite T-Shirt, teddy etc - and wipe the spit off with it. It won't take long for him to stop.

What Corgito says plus punishment ie withdrawal of privileges.

Right now heis bhaving like a monster, I am so fed up of it all. Got home from school, he wanted the crisps that i had saved for the weekend, so I said he could have the other flavour instead. He starts shouting at me 'GIVE ME THE CRISPS!' so i said ,not until you ask nicely. Then he aske nicely after a few times of shouting, so I gave them to him and he threw them all over the kitchen floor. I told him to sweep it up, he wouldn't so I put him in time out. Then he starts swearing at me, calling me idiot etc.. So I put him in his room and said if you behave like that you cant stay downstairs with us. But he keeps coming downstairs and he just doesnt get it! Why wont he learn not to talk like that?? Am I doing something really wrong?!

The things I would have done differently (hesitate to say 'wrong' because I wasn't there and you were) and could recommend you try in future

1. Arrive at school with a snack of some kind. A banana, for example. By the end of the day a lot of children are tired and cranky and their blood-sugars are on the floor. A banana is nutritious, energy-rich and slow-release so if he eats one on the way home it may mean he is less aggressive. (Try to avoid very sugary foods which can backfire)
2. I would gone for time-out at the crisp-throwing stage. That was not acceptable and I think removing him from the scene at that point would have given things less opportunity to escalate.
3. Hold the door shut and say nothing for the time-out. Let him thrash, swear and shout all he likes but ignore him. Holding the door closed means he is forced to sit it out. Silence means he's having no attention. Let him out of the room when he is calm and ready to apologise.

HTH