Too young for Baby Whisperer

[lighteningsign]

Hello, will try not to drip feed this - wasn't sure if this is the right board either!

An old school friend of mine who I see from time to time but chat to quite a bit on FB had her first baby around 2 and a hlaf weeks ago. He was around 5lbs at almost full term so under weight (I have heard, although I can't say how true it is that she smoked and drank a lot throughout the pregnancy so that could explain the low weight)

She is finding the whole new-Mum thing really tiring and isn't able to sleep at all and doesn't have an appetite. She says she's not eating or drinking much but she is breastfeeding.

She has now started The Baby Whisperer and says that although baby has caught on to it a bit, he is crying a lot and very unhappy about the routine but she is doing it because she is tired and it appeals to her that she doesn't have to feed on demand and it is also teaching her baby "early-life-skills".

I suppose my question is firsty, is he not too young for this routine - particularly given that he is so small and was putting on weight nicely when being demand fed? I am probably being completely over emotional (due to having had my own babies fairly recently) but I can't get this out of my mind! I feel really sad for him...

If I am BU, please tell me to get over myself!

My second question is - If I am not BU, how can I talk to her about it without saying what I really think i.e. "Stop being so selfish, all new mums are shattered but your baby needs you to eat, drink and feed it. It's only for a few months for crying out loud!!!" (Of course I wouldn't say this as I know only too well how hard those first few weeks and months are)

I reckon it is one of those preference things and that people will say it's her choice what she does. I know that's true really. I think I am being over sensitive. I also find it sad that he's in his own big cot in his own room but I know that years ago this is what everyone did, including my own Mum, and I turned out okay!!

Is there any other good advice I could be giving her to help her out? That isn't quite so judgeypants?

Maybe I should just back off altogether, I don't really even see her much.

Thanks for reading.

I have this feeling often. Some friends moved both their babies into their own rooms and stopped demand feeding them when they were only weeks old. I hate to say it but I think it's one of those things you have to tread very, very carefully on and possibly not say anything at all unless you KNOW the timing is right and it will go over well.

I agree, btw, that she should be demand feeding - all the evidence is that it's best for baby and best for supply - but unless you can get it over very tactfully, it's best not to say anything.

It's a hard one. Maybe you could say, keep an eye on his weight because you have heard stories of babies who weren't able to gain weight when fed according to a schedule and somebody told you it was a particular problem with babies who were small at birth.

Incidentally, low birth weigth could be due to all sorts of things: mine were small because I had high BP (despite medication), SILs were small through genetics, dh was small probably because of medication his mum was taking. Try not to speculate; that won't help your friend.

Just drop gently into conversation that you've heard that demand feeding is recommended for small babies.

Hmmm, yes it's difficult. In some ways it's easier if you just 'chat' on FB rather than see her face to face so you're in a good position. You can message her instead from a perspective of 'i remember being a new mum and finding it hard not knowing what to do for the best with so many people offering advice etc. You have to do what's right for you of course, but this is the way i approached things. Take what you want out of it and ignore the rest!"

Also, have you read the Baby Whisperer? I would suggest extracting parts of it that actually support your points, especially on feeding. For example: "Be flexible. Though i recommend a structured feeding routine, i'm not saying that if your baby lets forth a hunger cry after two hours, you don't feed him. In fact, during a growth spurt, he or she might need to eat a bit more often." If it's a book she identifies with, then your points will be made easier.

I would stress to her that books are more of a guideline for the average baby and by no means meant as a one size fits all. Maybe suggest some other books that you found helpful - i had one called Your Baby Week by Week which was a useful guide providing you don't get too hung up on what a baby should or shouldn't be doing. Also First Time Parent was pretty good at giving both sides of every parenting 'argument' and allowing room for personal choice...