How to explain an accidental death to my 3yo?

[bushymcbush]

My mum died 11 years ago in a car accident.

I have an almost 4 yo dd who knows that I had a mummy who was also her nana, but that we can't see her because she died. She does have some limited grasp of what death means and has asked lots of questions about it recently.

Today she asked me if nana had got ill and then died. I didn't know how to respond - I don't want to frighten her with the idea of a car crash - although she already knows that this can happen, I don't want her to worry that it might happen to her / us and result in death. Otoh, I don't want to lie to her - I believe in always answering children's questions truthfully.

I'd appreciate your thoughts and experiences please?

Sorry to hear about your mum. I am no expert, so this is just an opinion, but I do believe that kids are flexible enough to be able to cope with the truth and in a way, the more we 'normalise' this stuff the more easily they integrate it into their model of life. I think it would be ok to explain what happened but make sure that you emphasise how rare and unlucky an event this was. There will be other people who think differently, but I have a dd the same age and that's what I would choose to do i think. Best of luck.

Thanks sausage - I agree with what you're saying. I'm really struggling with how to put it into the right words.

Not the same situation at all but when theat awful fireworks-motorway-car accident happened last year there were photos of burnt out wrecked cars all over the paper. ds1 was 6 at the time and I had to explain that yes people did die but that it was very very rare. I'm sure he asked a few questions about it afterwards but it hasn't been an issue for us. Also when he was 4yo a young teacher at his school died suddenly from an undiagnosed heart condition. I was truthful about what had happened, and I remember fact based questions like is Mr X buried in his garden? but no sleepless nights etc.

A horrible position for you to be in. If you don't know what to say yet, and since it is not a new event that needs communicating quickly, could you just say to her that you will explain it to her soon but that you just need a little longer to think it over first, until you are ready.

My lovely brother was killed in a RTC before my DC were born and ive always talked to them about their uncle and when they were old enough and started asking questions (prob similar age to your DD) I told them very simply that he had died because another car had crashed into his and he was too poorly that the doctors couldnt make him better.

Think its important to be honest with them after all these awful things happen

Gosh I'm so sorry for your loss.
Could you simplify the details a little? Sometimes things happen, and sometimes our bodies cannot cope with them. Like a young child can cope with falling and breaking a leg whereas an elderly person's heart maybe couldn't stand the stress.....IYSWIM?

My DH was killed in a car crash recently. Awaiting bereavement counselling for my 5 year old DD. So far I have explained more or less exactly as nurse has said with a view to giving her more information as she gets older. I don't know if this is the right thing but felt right to me. Only time will tell I suppose

So sorry Ican. My niece lost her Mum at 4. Now 11, she is the most wonderful little girl. I am sure you and your dd will help each other get through this hard time together. X

sausageroll thanks its good to hear people have come out of the other side.

I've tried to be as honest as I can with her re explaining what happened. Hopefully I'll strike the right balance.

I've found it's hard to know what information they take in and how they absorb it.

I think honesty is the best policy. My uncle died in an accident when I was a baby, I can't remember being told the bare facts but it was never a tabboo subject and any questions I had were answered. Something like 'she was in a car accident, but she was very unlucky.' I think it is a tricky one because naturally you want to impress on her the importance of road safety without scaring her with this link so just stress that your mum was unlucky and it doesn't happen often.