Sanctions for bad behaviour

[Hairytoe]

I posted this in behaviour but didn;t get any replies so I wondered if here would be better?

I would be grateful if anyone has any good ideas for sanctions to impose on children to discourage bad behaviour.

I use time outs which work well to calm a situation down. It's just persistent bad behaviour ( not doing as they're told, consistently breaking rules) that I'm struggling with.

I've looked in the Internet and I'm thinking of setting up a ' marble' system - like a sticker chart where they earn/lose marbles which can then be saved up to exchange for treats. Anyone got any experience of that?

I'm a bit stumped for a ' major' sanction though in the event of serious misdemeanor. I don't want to smack. I've tried confiscating stuff ( ds, computer time, specific toys) but they all play with loads of stuff, there's no one thing that they can lose which particularly bothers them.

Tv ban wouldn't work unless I banned all of them or kept the ' naughty' one out of the
lounge!

My children are 8, 6 and 3. They're not dreadfully behaved but I know when things kick off I'm just reacting spontaneously ( and often emotionally) - I need more of a plan so I feel more in control.

Sorry if this post sounds a bit 'cold' but I'm feeling like my relationship with my 8 year old dd1 is deteriorating and i'm hoping a less emotional response from me will help us.

Thanks for any advice

Food, pocket money, other money, screen time, outings.
Not a very impressive list, but adds up to the total of material things I can reward or withdraw.

Major sanction here would usually be deduction of pocket money along with horrible scolding.

You'll get the UP lot along, presently.

Yes I was a bit worried about that. I tried to make my OP clear though. For the record I do not wish to try UP and have already read "how to talk so children listen... Etc" and found some ideas helpful and others unworkable.

So back to sanctions, thanks for your list. Trouble with screen time and outings is how do I punish one child without punishing all three? There's only 1 telly in the lounge so if it's on everyone can see it. Same with outings, if we're going somewhere nice I can't take two and leave one at home!

I'm trying to avoid the pocket money thing as the older ones get £2 a week specifically dependant on keeping their room tidy and that's working really well.

Thanks again for your response.

Mine have their own dedicated screen time, which they can share with others but they choose what to do or watch for that slot; so it's their own but not exclusive, iyswim. They trade it between themselves often, too.

I agree outings is a very awkward one, only works if you divide family up.

Search for Soupdragon & the Pasta Jar method, lots of MNers used to swear by it.

Don't underestimate the power of a good bollocking :).

What's UP?

I've heard of the marbles thing working really well. I think it is harder to manage 3 than 2.

One thing that worked well for me was a "tidy room of the week" award. Short term measure though- it loses it'd novelty value quite quickly:)

What are your main issues with them?

Early bedtime works here, and has done for a long time, lost in 15 minute increments and no phone to bed with DSS (although he's 13 now, so much more dramatic if I send hi to bed 15 mins earlier.) 1, warning, 2 reminder, 3 now lost 15 minutes, most he's lost is one hour.

Yes do the good bollocking thing as does DH just feel we could do with less shouting. It gets very noisy round here. And my throat hurts.

Good idea re screen time 'choosing programs' I might be able to work something round that.

The younger 2 generally want to please me so my 'displeasure' is often enough of a deterrent. It's the oldest that's the real problem.

viewofthehills UP is unconditional parenting explained here:
www.alfiekohn.org/up/index.html

But Hairytoe appears to have considered it and decided not to try it so this thread isn't a good place to discuss it.

oops [[http://www.alfiekohn.org/up/index.html
here]]

Early bedtime good idea with the older two. They share a room and if one of them had to go to bed 15 minutes earlier than the other that could work.

Issues with them are basically not doing as they are told ( get down off the back of the sofa, stop slamming all the doors you'll trap your fingers, stop screaming/singing loudly/kicking each other at the dinner table, sit up at the dinner table ), fighting endlessly, breaking basic rules ( eg I ask them to put their clothes away properly and regularly find them stuffed down the back of the wardrobe instead of hung up, ) ... With the older one in particular just arguing with me over every sodding little thing!

i find it has to be something they care about - with my 3 year old my best punishment is making her wear jeans/trousers. She really doesn't care much about anything else.

My son (5) responds to being allowed (or not) to buy a magazine, choose what's for dinner, or have a playdate round after school.

Both of them get heavy praise for "doing what your told first time", and moaned at incessantly/bollocked for making me ask repeatedly.

i feel like bedtime stories are an entitlement rather than a reward so i don't take them away, i just let the "good" sibling choose the books for both to listen to.

Hairytoe- I think your marble idea should work well with that. However you might have to balance it so you don't take out more marbles than you put in. And rather than shouting you have to make it appear as if you really don't care if they get more marbles or less.

Set it out, say these are the rules and there will be no arguments or appeals- your decision is final. Good luck!

Thanks for all the responded. Early Bird you sound invincible please come to my house and give me some 1-on1 training!

Sorry wrong thread I'm on two and got confused ! Hold on one minute...

Ahem thank you for your responses will try some of your ideas now to buy done marbles and practise my impassive 'judges decision is final' face

I never punish - never have. I don't know if it depends on the child as to whether that works though. I've successfully taught my 8 year old dd to behave well because it benefits her and others. She seems very able to put herself in the shoes of others.

My older dd has autism so we use behavioural approaches with her.

Positive reinforcement is the best thing imo. I tend to ignore bad behaviour (when they are very little) and reward good. Then when they are older give a good talking to if they do something unacceptable, but with a view to helping them understand and self-assess their behaviour rather than making them feel bad. It seems to work for me.

I seem to have turned into a shouty mum but I'm in control of it DD aged 10 really pushes answering back atm and the ignoring didnt work

So I tend to shout to get her attention as she will talk over me, punt her through to her room to calm down down and think about why she is angry/upset etc then go through and talk to her explaining 1. I see her point of view 2. explain my point of view then 3. the way forward

Yes, have to admit I think the teenage years are going to be different!