How do I get PILs not to worry so much about ex-prem DS? - MIL 'diagnosing' him with cystic fibrosis :-/

[Snowboarder]

My DS was born very prematurely. The whole experience of him being in NICU and SCBU was very traumatic for the whole family and PIL in particular found is very difficult to see their first, much-wanted (IVF) grandson surrounded by wires and machines. It caused some strain in our relationship because I felt like I constantly needed to reassure them that DS was ok when I was massively worried about him myself.

Fast forward 14 months and DS is a strapping young lad (between 75th/ 91st centile for his corrected age). He is meeting all of his developmental targets brilliantly and has no lasting health problems we're aware of. He had a mild heart murmur at birth caused by his prematurity but even that has resolved itself with time and he has now been discharged from cardiac clinic. In short, we have been very, very lucky with him.

He has had what seems like more than his fair share of colds and has a bit of a wheeze sometimes and lots of snot, but he is teething and has perhaps a touch of asthma (DH is asthmatic so hardly a surprise) so he now has an inhaler to use if necessary.

The thing is that PILs, in particular MIL just cannot ease up worrying about him. I know they love him and I am grateful - they are brilliant grandparents- but I am beginning to get cheesed off that they are constantly wringing their hands over him. Seriously. I honestly feel like they are waiting for bad news, almost like they would actively welcome it. Examples:

• EVERY single time DS has the slightest sniffle/ cold MIL harps on and on about me taking him to the GP, despite the fact that the GP will not prescribe anything for viral infections. I feel such pressure to take him even though I know it will do no good and all he usually needs is comfort/ hydration etc. I feel like my judgement as a parent and concern for DS is being questioned.
• MIL comments on how warm DS is every single time she sees him as though he has a temperature all the time. I knew he didn't have but ended up buying a fancy digital thermometer to check as I was getting paranoid - I was right but it doesn't stop her from saying it.
• MIL once told me in all seriousness to take DS to the GP as she'd heard his stomach gurgling. She said it was worth going 'just in case' (can you imagine what my poor GP would've thought faced with that?)
• PILs won't let DS crawl, walk on the grass, cruise around the furniture, not wear shoes (even though he's learning to walk and finds it easier without) 'just in case'. They've only just stopped putting a cushion behind him when he's sitting up despite the fact he's been doing it for about 7 months!
• DS might as well be renamed 'poor DS' as that's what they always call him - complete with concerned expression.
• They get annoyed if I take him out of the house e.g. I had a hospital appointment last week and took him with me. Apparently I shouldn't have 'dragged him out' despite the fact that I like having him with me, it was a change of scenery and I had no one to look after him
• MIL speaks to DH on the phone at least twice a week (we also visit once and they have 'poor' DS for half a day too) every single time there is a long and involved conversation about DS's health as though he is extremely poorly.

It gets on my wick especially since DS has done so well to get where he is today. You would never in a million years think he was born so early.

The latest one was yesterday when MIL asked if DS had ever been tested for cystic fibrosis as apparently he has 'all the symptoms' and she's very concerned. I was naturally worried and got on the 'net. Apparently symptoms include poor growth, salty tasting skin and large greasy stools - NONE of which DS has. I also saw in his red book that he was tested for CF soon after his birth (all a bit of a blur!) and he doesn't have any blood markers for it.

God, I've gone on and on but aaaaaaaarrrrrrrgggggghhhhh! It's a kind of bloody munchausens by proxy or something that they have isn't it?

How in the hell do I get them to see that DS is a normal, healthy little boy who, despite getting the usual childhood illnesses, will not blow away in a stiff breeze?

Well done if you've got this far - any advice welcome.

Just to add, they are brill grandparents otherwise and although their constant fretting and hand wringing drives me crazy, we now have a good relationship. I just wish they could relax and enjoy DS more. It would be better for them, him and us - I also don't want DS picking up to the fact that he is supposedly unwell or less robust/ different to other children. He's not.

They actually sound like they quite enjoy the potential drama of it all and I suspect they spend considerable time gaining sympathy from their friends over their "poor" grands

As you say, the heel-prick test after birth is for CF amongst others.

FWIW, both sets of grandparents are way more paranoid about my DCs' safety than I am.

But I think you need your DH to step in and have a word. Maybe through his Dad is easiest?

Well done to you and your DS for doing so well after a tough start!

Oops pressed too soon!

Not sure how you get them to stop. They sound a little bit over involved in your life?

That must be incredibly frustrating, but you are heading along the same path yourself diagnosing them with Munchausens.

They are clearly over-anxious and their anxiety is making them darn irritating. Needs knocking on the head before it starts to affect ds, especially as they look after him one day a week. Stopping him doing all the normal stuff a toddler should do is not good, and nor is constantly calling him 'poor' ds - he can hear them and while he may not be able to use a dictionary yet, he will be picking up the tone of voice.

Easier to say it's wrong than to work out what on earth to do about it, though...

Ds3 was not premature but was very poorly when he was born and spent some time in NICU and SCBU. He was then a very croupy baby and we had several dashes to A&E in his first two years. I am a nurse and not prone to panic. He is my third dc and a fine strapping lad of almost six who has had only one day off since starting school - so hardly delicate. And yet, he still brings out a response in me that the other two never did and is completely alien to my nature. I see danger in things I would never have noticed before and I over think every little thing. I don't want to be like this but can't seem to help it so I can almost see where they are coming from.

But it isn't good. You have done so well to continue to see him as the healthy little boy that he is. I regularly have to give myself a good talking to and I think perhaps your dh needs to do the same with them. Perhaps acknowledge their fears but let them know that health professionals have said he is perfectly healthy and it is important that he is treated as such.

Good luck and congratulations on your lovely ds.

I think i depends on the relationship you have with your in-laws. In an ideal world you would speak to them over a nice afternoon tea and basically say "It's wonderful that you care so much for DS but he is healthy, robust and developing fine. I worry that your anxiety over his health will affect him in the future, so could you just assume that I am on top of any health concerns and that you really don't need to worry, and can just enjoy him as any normal grandson".

Or you could take them aside and say that you're worried about them as they seem unusually anxious about DS's health (mention the CF) and as he is fine, you think maybe they should see a Dr about their own anxiety.

Or you could just laugh off every mention with a "look at him, he's perfectly healthy"

Or you could have a big row about how you feel your parenting is undermined by their overbearing concern.

It's tricky - were they like this with your husband when he was small?

I know even my parents who are fairly laid back, will send me clippings from the paper on the latest deaths by blind cords, lack of vitamin D, basically everything the Daily Mail concerns itself with and I have learnt to just ignore some of it, agree with some (blind cords) and quote stats back over some (the vitamin D versus suncream "argument")

In my opinion, parents need managing, and not just with regards to their grandchildren. If my sister, for example, says to my mother that she's really skint one month, my mother will from that point in start to firmly believe that she us practically homeless and literally doesn't have 2p to her name. They love pigeonholing. I haven't a clue why. But what this does mean is that you have to do good PR. Only tell them good stuff. Always put a good spin on things. My in laws also love a good worry, so we don't tell them things likely to set them off. We also talk up the things we want them to believe. We've also had an astounding number of insane diagnoses of weird and wonderful diseases, which is made even more bizarre by the fact that they live 5 hours drive away and make the diagnoses based on photographs taken on phones and texted to them. We made it quite clear that it was offensive and interfering though. Nipped it in the bud.

You have my sympathy My ds now 4 was born in very dramatic circumstances at 26 weeks. I also found that everyone had a hard time letting go of the fact he had been so ill, my mum in particular was very paranoid. What worked in my case was that I started every call etc with oh how clever is ds he did this today..... And gradually the focus changed to her telling everyone how fabulous ds is for overcoming his tough start for example when ds walked at 10 months you would have thoight he was a child prodigy the way she told everyone a vast improvement on the obsessive worrying. So maybe try something like this and refuse then to discuss any health matters just relentlessly focus on the positives.

Wow, thanks for reading my ramble and for all your brilliant responses.

I think the hard thing is that because I experienced the same fear that they did when DS was born and in NICU/SCUBU I can easily understand it - but somehow I have managed to let it go whilst they have not. Thanks to the posters who mentioned reinforcing a positive message - I have been trying to do that ever since DS was discharged, but the trouble is he DOES seem to have a cold every 3 weeks or so, so PILS find it easy to always revert back to worrying about him.

I know it comes from a 'good place' with them, but that doesn't stop me worrying that if DS hears the message enough, he will start to develop the idea that he is not like other children. After such a rough start I desperately want him to have a normal rough-and-tumble childhood and not worry (within reason) about illness and accident.

Anyway, this morning DS fell over whilst cruising around the sofa and clonked the side of his face on a toy. We had tears for about 30 seconds before he toddled off to do something more interesting but he does have a mark now that looks suspiciously like it's going to be a bruise so I suspect we will have to go through the whole 'how did it happen'/ 'poor DS'/ handwringing scenario when we see PILs later. I'm already thinking about what I can say tactfully along the lines of 'a few bumps and scrapes are NORMAL'/ 'it's how they learn what they can and can't do' etc.

Also think I'm going to bring up the CF thing - again as tactfully as I can. Do you think it'd be ok to ask why MIL was worried, given that DS doesn't even have any symptoms apart from a bit of snot/ a wheeze now and again? I'd like to get her to see that the whole thing is ridiculous but I obviously don't want to make HER feel ridiculous. It's very hard.

Btw, just to add, I am 31 week pg with DS2 so wondering if a new baby is going to make things better or worse.

Maybe it will help them see that babies do get colds a lot, and that it's (usually) nothing at all to worry about. They are building up their immune systems after all.

Otherwise, if this baby goes to term (fingers crossed - I'm already 3 week beyond my delivery date for DS1!) and therefore doesn't have to spend any time in NICU/SCBU maybe they will be a lot more relaxed in general? . At least if they are more relaxed about DS2 and still hand wringing over DS1 I can then have the conversation with them about treating the boys equally. I really cannot have a situation where they are making DS1 feel different/ less robust than his brother.

I reckon having the second will help, if only to dilute the attention, but also, as you say, as you can point out how they all get colds and the sniffles.