hole thing feels like a dirty lil secret

[shaymarie]

please excuse my spellings etc i am dyslexic so it cant be helped

where to start i have a 5 nerly 6 yr old amazing lil boy his biological father doesn't have any thing to do with him witch is perfectly fine as me and his step-dad have been together since he was a couple of weeks old my son knows no different and is unaware that the man he calls dad isnt his biological father anyway moving on i believe all party's are happy with how it has all turn out and it is what it is the only contact i have from him is a letter from the csa every year today i received a later saying payments will be droped and they have over paid me so on and so on when i phoned to find out wtf was going on they told me that my ex has another child witch is fare enuf completely understand why its drooped etc and he has the right to a life and i wish them all the very best
the thing is i now i no my son has a brother or a sister that he may never meet or no about if my son ever asks will tell him the truth to a certain degry he doesn't need to no the full ins and outs what was said just that wasnt ready to have children at the time i will not bad mouth my ex to him as i think if the time ever comes and i dont think it will he can make his own mind up about my ex
feeling alot of strange emotions tbh im happy for them and glad he chose to stick around for this child
but i h8 the fact that i know my son has other siblings id rather not know but now im going to find out every time my ex has more children
i cant stress enuf that im not just pissed of cuz hes moved on or any thing like that im not stupid i didn't think he would be selabut for the rest of his life we have both moved on im hapily married and have another son so i think the problem is as it feels like a dirty lil secret and id h8 it if in years to come our son is angry at me for with holding that from him if he ever finds out the truth witch i see no reason why he should my husband is his dad end off
i really dont no mayb im over thinking the hole thing about him finding out and then hearing he has other siblings i really just dont know

I think it would be very wrong of you to let your child grow up believing that your partner is his biological father. He should be told the truth right from the start. It is only a "dirty little secret" if you choose to make it one. Why would you not tell him the truth?

I think it's the fact that you are letting him think his stepdad is his biological father that is the problem. You say you wil tell him the truth if he asks, but given the circumstances, it's unlikely he would ask, and the lies will continue.

I think the siblings is pretty irrelevant at this stage, it would be something for him to find out for himself if he did ever want to contact his biological father.

I have two kids by a previous husband. My husband, their stepdad has been around since dd was 2.5 and ds1 was 6 months. They both know he isn't their biological father, but it has made absolutely no difference to the strength of their relationship with him. Dd has asked questions, and I just answer them truthfully. Ds1 has never shown the slightest interest. You don't need to keep it a secret.

His biological father wants nothing to do with him and has made it perfectly clear on numerous occasion b4 he stopped all contact with me
How and why would I tell him that the man who's bin in his life for ever as we were friends b4 we got together isn't his real dad but the man who is wants nothing to do with you
The hole not telling the truth about who is his real father doesn't bother me at all if we were struggling to conceive and we used a sperm doner I don't think you would say anything about it if when he's older we may well tell him but ATM he's 5 and no one should be told that u are unwanted but it's ok cuz now u no we can continue to on with things
I think It feels like a dirty secret bcuz of the way I found out about it all
Tbh wrote this post as soon as I found out I have all ways left it open that he can contact me at any point and the CSA have always had my number to do so I tryed many times to make contact the ball is his caught and will stay that way for the time bing
When I think he's old enuf to fully understand etc then I may tell him think that's something me and my husband should decide but knowing that there are siblings that will prob never no the truth ever if my son wants to contact his biological farther then we will do every thing we can to make that happen for him
All I no is we both have are own life now and I can hand on hart say I have done everything possible to try and get his bf to take an interest in his sons life

The man who has been there his whole life is his real dad, just not his biological dad.

He's the one who has been the dad. It takes more than sperm to be a parent.

I wad brought up thinking the man who brought me up was my dad as he was in my life from the age of 2. I found out the truth when I was 8. I met my bio dad and found out I had 3 other sisters.

The man who brought me up is my dad. I don't have any contact with the sperm donor as he is a twat. The man I call dad adopted me as bio dad didn't want to pay CSA so signed me over.

It's not a dirty secret at all. Your son has a dad!

My bio dad was in and out of my life from 8. Disappeared when I was 10 and turned up.at 18 when found out I was pregnant. He tried been in and out of my sons life and I wasn't allowing that. In the end I told him where to go and I haven't had contact with him for over a year and I prefer it like this.

You didn't use a sperm donor though, and now your son has a half sibling.

He may only be 5, but I'm not sure why you think it will be easier at 8, 13, whenever. The sibling is a 'dirty' secret because you have made it so, not the csa, or any other circumstances. It's just highlighted the issue you have with having a son not knowing he has a biological father elsewhere. Otherwise why would it matter how many children he was going on to have? The only consequence, really is for your son, like you say.

It's none of my business, no, but you posted asking for advice.

Iv said it feels like a dirty lil secret because of the way I found out it doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out that he will have a family of his own but at the end of the day I have done every thing possible to get his bf involved as I have said in earlier and hes done nothing what so ever is that ok though bcuz I feel that you are making me out to be a bad person from spearing my sons feeling and not braking up are happy home the sibling is not my child it's his bf if he doesn't won't anything to do with his son what makes u think he's going to let his other child have any thing to do with my son it's not my choice for him not to know about his siblings it's his bf who clearly has chosen to stick to the desion he made yrs ago i would of found out from him or one of my old friends but none of them told me so its not my lil secret its his not what I wanted to happen at all its what he chose not the other way round and tbh I don't care how many children he has as long as his bf doesn't won't to be involved he will not let his children have any involvement
I am grateful for all of the replays but givin the fact I wrote this post as soon as I found out i have had chance to stop and think and let it all sink

I come from a complex family and agree with the others. You are making a huge mistake not being honest with your son. There is no right time or age to tell him the truth. It's impossible to avoid hurting him but you need to be honest.

You are not a bad person, you at clearly trying to do the best for your son, in difficult circumstances. It will be a real shame for it all to blow up in your face later when he does inevitably find out.

I think everyone seams to be skiping over one very fundamental thing If his bf has made it perfectly clear he never wants to meet him or have any contact what so ever I have tryed so if I tell him and he sez I won't to meet him and my sibling what do I tell him then we've turned ur world upside down but u can't see them as ur bf doesn't ever won't to know u i see what every ones saying I really do but every one seam to skip over his bf doesn't won't him
My husband and I will tell him if we tell him when we think it's right or nesasery and I understand that most of you think that's wrong or not the rite thing to do but at the end of the day we all try to do what's best for are children and what's best isn't always right

My friend found out that this mother wasn't his biological mother at 18. He was with his father at the doctors, when he was asked about his medical history. It came out that his real mother had died when he was 18 months old and the reason she died was relevant.

Of course he was absolutely devastated that he had been lied to his whole life. His relationship with his family never really recovered, he went badly off the rails and no longer sees them.

The truth WILL come out eventually. What will you say when your son asks why you lied to him his whole life?

Ok you don't want him to know his biological father doesn't want him, but there are nicer ways of putting it: he wasn't ready, he didn't want contact, you have a loving father, he's just not your biological father, etc.

I think by keeping the truth from him you are very much doing the wrong thing. Even if you do the wrong thing for the right reasons, will your son ever forgive you when he finds out?

Just to clarify, I don't think you're a bad person, you are just in a difficult position.

I don't agree with "what's best isn't always right" though. The right thing is the best thing imo, and the right thing is to be honest.

Yes, he might be hurt now but he'll be much more hurt later on, and it will get harder and harder to tell him the truth.

You need to be honest with your son.

My Dad has two other children (about 8 years younger than me). Amongst other reasons we were eventually told (when I was 19!) that these half siblings existed in case we met them in later life and had a relationship unknowingly with a sibling. It's not impossible.

Knowing he'd kept it a secret from me for so long very nearly destroyed our relationship, and I'm still angry 10 years on. He should have been honest - and so should you.

I have no problem telling him the truth and I wouldn't put it to him as bluntly as he didn't wont him cuz I no at the time he wasn't ready to be a dad dispite him being 8yr older than me its not that I don't won't him to no the truth when hes older I may well tell him but he's 5 he's not going to have a clue what were on about when we explain it to him or even understand what it is were trying to tell him u can't tell a 5yr old he has a brother or a sister that you can't see he will think we're playing hide and seek not that he has a bf somewhere all I can say it right now isn't the time who nos what will happen in time

You need to be honest. My dad is not my biological father. I have always known that and have never had any desire to seek out my biological father. And I love my dad.

You don't need to give him the full low down, just address the situation with respect to your partner, as it is that relationship, your son and his actual dad, as opposed to biological father, that matters.

Honestly, you're looking at this from the wrong perspective.

You need to be honest about the relationship between your son and your partner. The information about the biological father can be held until he asks questions.

What if your ds reads this thread one day on mumsnet? What if your ex decides he wants to be a dad and gets in touch with your ds directly? What if you bump into him one day or his family members?

Sorry, but you are making a mistake that will end in heart ache.

I know plenty of adopted children (including my own brother); they have all been told from the start and it has never been a problem.

Otoh my dh got a lasting shock when he accidently came upon his parents' wedding certificate and realised his dad had been married before and never told him; it was the lack of trust and wondering why his dad had kept the truth from him.

Telling your ds that he has another dad doesn't mean you have to spell out that his dad didn't want him; you can just say that his dad has moved away.

if my son reads this he will see that i haven't nor will i eva stop his bf from contacting him as i keep saying i can hold my head up high in and know that i did everything i could and more to create a relationship between the 2 of them and i did what thought was right for me and my family i genraly don't see why every one seams hell bent on me telling a 5yr old something that he wont understand i wrote on her because of the round about ass way i found out he had a brother or a sister not to be judged about how and when i chose to tell my son its not really fair for you all to criticize me for doing what i no in my hart at this moment in time is the right thing to do for my family and unless you are actuly in the exact same situation no body really nos what there going to do in any given situation fight or flight is a perfect eg you may think if the guy from the scream movies is chasing you will run but you may stop and fight its all well an good commenting on here but making coments about something some one has said over and over again if and when the time comes we will tell him when we think he is ready not when u think he is ready and atleast if it is a mistake i can say i made a mistake that i thought was the right thing to do not feel preasuer from ppl who have never met me and tell him and he reacts badly and it all goes tits up say well sorry son but a few ppl on a website i should do it
i understand evryone is entitled to an opion but thats all it is its and i have to say if i would of know that ppl would read my post ignor what its aculy about and decided to turn this into pear preasher i can garent i would certantly not of bothered

But there are people here have been in your situation, myself included. It's not theoretical.

No one is criticising you regarding the fact they don't have a relationship. My kids don't see their biological father. I don't tell them he didn't want them, just that we moved away and he found it too hard to keep up contact. when my dd is questions, I answer her honestly.

He may find it all a bit hard to understand at first, but it's your job as a responsible parent to help him through that. You are taking the easy route out for now, storing up no end of problems for the future.

But op, the foundations of the problem you posted about stem from the lie you have told your son. Without dealing with the whole issue you cant deal with what happens because of it.
People are talking from experience. Your situation is not unique hence why people can advise knowledgeably through their own life experiences.

I agree with the other posters. I know it must seem really difficult, but the earlier you are honest with your son the easier it will be. He has a right to know the truth as he is growing up, and he will probably be angry at you later if it is kept from him. What if his siblings find out about him and try to get in contact a few years down the line?

I think you need to talk to your husband and discuss together how you will tell your son. As long as you emphasise how loved and special he us to both of you and make it clear to him that he can ask any questions and talk to you anytime.

I'm sure wiser posters than me will be able to advise on how to word it, what language to use for a 5 year old etc. etc.

I'd make sure he knows simply that he has. Birth daddy and a real daddy!