ds 7 so needy and un-grounded its breaking my heart

[masuki]

well thats it in a nutshell really, he is so hard work, very bright but not really in touch, just needy, clingy, nervous, and not really very likeable, i'm afraid.

i feel awful. what have i done/am i doing wrong?

how can i build his self-esteem/self-pride/self-containment, so that he does things for the things themselves, not for endless approval or applause? maybe i always applauded him when he was younger, i guess i felt proud every footstep he took... i can't turn the clock back, but what can i do so that he feels happy in himself, happy to be alone, happy to be who he is...

i practised co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding, always carried him, in the belief that attachment parenting would produce a confident child who felt loved and safe.

feeling so worried, sad as i look at him, observe him, and see him so scattered, so whiny, so needy.

how can i help him?

Well, you haven't really told us what the specific problem is. You've said lots about what you did right, but not really much about your son.

Tell us about him. Give us some examples.

its hard to actually give examples, colditz, but i don't see him giving off signs that he is confident, loved, safe, happy to be alone etc... i see him whining endlessly, always wanting everything to be different, never satisfied, never showing kindness to us or his brother, fussing over every simple request,

please please dont tell me this is normal boy of seven behaviour...

My ds is 5 and a whiner. However, he loves school, he won't go to friends houses though. He definitely shows love.

What's your ds like at school? I don't understand how he can be needy and clingy but not show love? Does he have many friends? What do his teachers say? What does he play like?

Sorry you feel so low about it - Does he have any pals?

what does he do outside of school?

Well, yeah, whining is fairly normal for 7 year olds.

It sounds a little bit like you resent putting all that effort in, doing perfect parenting, and not getting a perfect child.

Children are frequently whiny, dissatisfied, and rude. The are frequently ungrateful, and very rarely a genuine joy to be with. That's why, when they are being lovely, we love it so much, and also when they are asleep.

To give you an eg. My six year old has spent most of his life following me around the house complaining that things aren't fair, that he's bored, that he actually wanted a different thing to what he has asked for, and honestly, the only way I have found take it stop is to tell him to be quiet and go in another room, and stop bothering me with trivia. He's just a pessimist, my sister was the same. My nine year old should be an advert for sunny delight, because he is one. They've been raised the same but you have to allow for different personalities. You cannot take all the credit for your children, but on the flip side, that means you don't get all the blame either.

What about getting him into sports? It will teach social skills, get him interacting with others and build self esteem - plus it will give you a bit of a break. Team building can only help him learn how to interact with others and help him learn that he can get praise and approval, when he has done something to earn it?

I'd recommend Rugby over Football, teaches better respect!

Hope this helps!

Sorry dd was on my lap as I was writing that, didn't mean to repeat myself quite so much.. but you get what I mean

thankyou for your replies, i guess i am just abit shocked that there is so much whining, dissatisfaction, rudeness etc... even tho i am sure that is exactly how i was too... this parenting lark really is unconditional...

re outside activities, he has not been excited to try football, but yes maybe we could check out a local rugby group maybe. he is doing a cub-scouts group which i hope will help with positive attitude teamwork etc

feeling abit despondent, love him to bits, remember him as a cozy babe, and those days seem so far away,,,

Doubt you did anything wrong, some kids are just hard work!
I have 4 close in age & just one of them is miles more work than the others. Helps me put it into perspective, at least.
Does yours routinely turn aggressive in response to every frustration? Get shunned by peers & other parents? Get excluded before his 7th birthday? I bet I can make you feel better, anyway.

Figure out what your child's strengths are & see if you can build on them. Nervous can mean good attention to detail, for instance.

Maybe he's just so used to your undivided attention that he can't cope without it because it hasn't been replaced with anything. Sounds like he lacks a peer group tbh, he's probably whiney because he's bored and needy because he's lonely. Maybe he needs more because he was trained in the early years to expect more and never having been left alone for a few minutes to get on with it and play for enjoyment, he never learnt how to do that. Over applauding him when he was little probably distracted him from what he was doing so he never did anything for the sake of it, just for the applause. He is probably wondering what he did wrong, why is nobody clapping and telling him he is wonderful for breathing anymore and is seeking that.

To develop, mature, evolve, learn confidence, gain self esteem and independence, he needs friends and a couple of hobbies. How often is cub scouts? He needs to be playing with other kids every day.

Don't worry to much about it, doubt there are any perfect kids at that age, never met any anyway!..

bobbledunk speaks good sense. It sounds as if he needs a bit of benign neglect to help him to learn to play independently, some rough and tumble days of playing with his friends to help him realise that he is not the centre of the universe, some challenges to help him develop self-esteem.

Cubs will be really good for him, and hopefully he will have the chance to go on camp. You don't mention his dad - it sounds as if he could do with some male guidance perhaps? DS (who is an only, so I am hyper-alert for the kind of behaviour you describe) benefits from having a male swimming teacher, male cub leaders, and male PE teachers at school so that he got lots of examples to model himself on. Of course he has his dad, but we found that a range of men in his day to day life has really helped.

my dd1 is exactly the same, whiny, dissatisfied, complaining & jealous, very loving to me but mean and spiteful to her sister (not always, but a lot). Very negative and sad, always very 'look at me'. But her sister (as colditz said) is sunny, happy, uncomplaining. Now dd1 drives me to distraction, when she is at her worst I'm not sure I even like her. But that is simply how she is I think, and I just have to try to manage that and steer her as best I can to be sef-reliant etc. You have fallen (I'm afraid) for the modern parenting myth that we can control everything in pregnancy, birth and parenting by having a 'plan' and trying very hard to be good parents by doing what we are told by the 'experts' extended breastfeeding, attachment parenting etc. There actually are no magic solutions it is just a challenge (albeit a very rewarding one) that changes without warning! Good luck

Is he exhausted, tired, ill, getting enough sleep?

I give my little one lots of attention and ignored whining but still got lots of whines in return. He was a very needy and sensitive child at that point. In the end I used time out and reflection time to give us both a break as I was really finding it hard going and it was effecting the whole family. I think my boy had got into the routine of whining for no reason (he has a very lovely life with loving family, friends and lots of nice activities but would still go on and on). I felt he was choosing to be grumpy as it rippled though the family and manipulated us all. He is a much happier child now as we have firmer boundaries. He thrives having the rules as long as they are fair and routine.

If whining, another approach I use is to ask him to repeat what he has to say but in a nice way. At one point I sounded like a broken record saying 'how do you say that nicely/what would the polite way of saying that be (x 100) but it has really sunk in now and he just knows how to express himself in a more appropriate manner.

The other thing is to make sure that you are not whining as they can feed off you emotions wise.

Self fulfilling prophesy? Stop seeing your son as vulnerable and instead try seeing him in a more positive robust light.

I used co-sleeping extended BFing sling wearing with my youngest two and they are completely different. One was bright, whizzy, higher maintenance and a more needy child generally but has blossomed amazingly more recently. The other is as laid back as anything and so easy. I think it's party down to genetics but the whizzy one has definitely responded well to all that I mentioned above.

You didn't seriously think that co sleeping, extended breast feeding and always carrying him would produce a confident child? I think there is a a bit more to it than that. Giving your child a chance to develop on their own might have helped. Ignore the moaning as much as possible and set some boundaries.

There is absolutely no reason why a child should not be confident after extended BFing, co-sleeping, etc. None of the things the OP did would prevent her child from developing normally and blossoming into a confident, secure child. In fact she has given him the best start she could have.

Children develop their independence best when they know they have a secure loving base to return to.

The problem is that nature brings each child his or her own innate characteristics and, as previous posters have said, some children are just naturally less confident.

OP, if you are giving your DS freedom and encouragement to be more independent then you are doing no harm. Please don't think that tough love will help. He will become more independent in his own way and in his own time. If you push him you may shatter his already fragile confidence.

My advice would be to find him some activities he enjoys and is good at. That may be team sports but it could just as easily be music lessons, climbing, a chess club or perhaps cycling. The aim is to help him feel successful and build his self esteem.

Please keep praising him but make sure it is qualified. I.e. "Thank you for doing xxxx, I know you hard to work hard to finish it", or Well done for tidying the toys. It was really helpful to me". To help him not to whine, try modelling what you would like him to say and the tone of voice you would like him to use. That way he can learn to make a positive change rather than just being told he is irritating.

You haven't done anything wrong. Your DS may not be outgoing and confident but in 5 years time he could be excelling at something and putting his peers to shame.