Help with toddler out of control since new twins arrived 2 weeks ago

[kanna]

My twins are 2 weeks old and I returned home after 4 days in hospital. I tried to prepare my bright 21 month year old girl with baby books, dolls etc beforehand and made an equal fuss of her with presents etc. I could really do with some help now, she isn't eating - throws every meal on the floor, fights me over dressing, bathing or getting her nappy changed. I know its an extreme reaction as she was quite easy before, I'm afraid I just don't know how to handle the rapid mood swings. She is gentle around the twins but shouts and screams when near to wake them up. I've just put her in her cot after her last tantrum and can see she is kicking her legs even in her sleep. How can I help her?

Aww poor thing. I don't think mine we too bad, but I do remember lots of 'picnics' on the floor to keep the older two settled while I fed the dts. Even just a glass of milk and a couple of rice cakes would pacify them.

Do you let her help with the dts? Pass their clothes, the nappy, etc. my dd turned 2 the day when ds1 was born and she pretty much decided that he was hers and mothered him to bits. The day he was born, she picked him up to proudly waddle with him to the door to show him off to a visiting friend

I had the same age gap between ds1 and ds2. Ds1 reacted pretty badly from what I recall.

I think it's just a case of riding the storm, trying to engage your dd in whatbyou are doing for the dtwins as much as possible and trying to focus on the positive.

I know it's hard when the are tiny and having 2 must be twice as hard but if you ever get any time with your dd while the twins are asleep use it to do something positive with her.

Also if you are able to get the twins in a pram and go to a park or something. As I'm writing that I can remember trying to do exactly that with my boys andit being a complete disaster, ds2 needing held all the time and ds1 not getting a look in! I came home in tears To make matters worse it was my birthday!

Pick your battles as much as possible. Give her lots of cuddles, cut her some slack and try to encourage her to get involved with the twins as much as possible.

It will get easier, your dd's world has been turned on it's head. My boys are much older now, nearly 8 and soon to be 10 and they get on so well.

I spent a lot of them out with the dts too. I know it is hard to get out of the door, but it was far easier to do stuff with the old two who were 2 and 4 at the time outside of the home. I could push the pram and take the older two to the park, or feed the ducks. I expressed to make feeding them outside easier, though it is early days and this might be hard for you atm. I also went to a lovely mother and toddler group where the other mums could play pass the parcel with the twins while I saw to the older two.

She seems to be much better when she has a sleep after her tantrums I suspect they are down to reaction and tiredness. Thank you for your shared experiences, I think we just have to get through it

kanna I can't help as I only have twins and no older DCs, but there is a thread in multiples for those with twins under 1 yr and there are several mums on there with the same issue as you, see here and come and join us

demotion - promotion

DD1 needs to feel that she is still number one, however deluded that might be,

Make sure anyone arriving at the house greets her first, talks to her ask what she has been doing, supply visitors with little gifts, to be given to her, " I hear you have become a big sister", give her time and attention, make her feel important.

Then ask to see "HER" twins(brothers/sisters?)

when referring to the babies, try to phrase it so she has ownership, "this is DD1's little sister", "can you show X(visitor) your little brother"

it really makes a difference, they resent the "attention seeking intruders" less when they become "their" infiltrators.

Involve her as much as possible, ask her what she thinks when the babies cry, "what do you think your brother/sister needs?" "shall we change your brother nappy?", " shall we feed YOUR baby sister".

If anyone is visiting, get them to watch the twins for a short time, even if you just walk up the garden on your own with DD, and pick some flowers, she will really appreciate a few seconds of one to one, they find it reassuring.

If you can get her to start to think of them as hers and the role of BIG sister an important one, you will have a much easier time years to come.

It is such early days, lots of love and patience, I know it's hard and your are tired and have a lot to do. Can you sqeeze in any one on one time, even half an hour at the local cafe or a stroll to the shops for an ice lolly?

can you remind her how much you love her and how special she is. try and give extra attention to her and have a laugh with her about the babies poos/crys etc.