How to encourage 'kindness' in a 2yo?

[festivalwidow]

This is probably a PFB question so feel free to snurk if you wish!
DD is normally a fairly easygoing girl, she's always been sociable and is generally happy being around other children. Normally if someone pushes her, she'll say 'now, that's not nice' and leave it at that, which I encourage ('that was good, you told x you weren't happy but you didn't make a fuss, are you OK now? That's good'). She's always been praised for good behaviour ('I'm very happy to see you sharing so nicely', 'that's good manners' and so on)

Since turning 2 and moving up at nursery her emotions seem to be all over the shop. For the last couple of weeks we've had at least two tantrums a day, usually over not being able to watch TV, having her hair washed or leaving the house. If her cousins (who are older and who she sees quite often) do something she doesn't like, she screams and bursts into tears, and is completely inconsolable for ages where previously she'd say 'that's not nice'. She dpesn't interact with them well and doesn't seem interested in her friends at nursery any more, where previously she was always really excited to see them.

Not sure how to encourage the 'nice' behaviour and being 'kind' to others? I do try to ignore the bad and praise the good, but my ILs are starting to look at her as 'that child' and her cousins are now acting up to it. Is it a phase that will pass or is there a way to encourage her to be 'actively nice' IYSWIM?

My advice is to continue as you were/ are and it's just a phase that will pass. My niece went through something similar (in fact, she got very rough with my DS at one point when he was just over 1yo). My sister continued doing what she had been (DN was a little older, so she also made her apologise for being rough) and she's now back to her lovely, if lively, self again. In fact, she's on holiday at the moment and has apparently been saying "I want to go home now. I love matana's baby DS". She's 3 now. From memory it was around the time she too started nursery - it probably coincides with secondary socialisation and parents no longer being the primary care provider.

Sounds like you are an excellent model for her to pick up how to be actively nice. So I would definitely agree that it is a phase and she will grow up as a kind and caring person. But perhaps more for your sanity and ability to face the tantrums, screams and tears, it might be worthwhile looking at tantrums and tears as very intense ways of expressing her growing personality, and NOT to ignore them. Instead, it is worth knowing perhaps that if you support her crying and stay with her, trying to listen compassionately her screams and tantrums, she will know that she is supported in her feelings rather than has to repress them. You can find more on this from Aletha Solter's book "Tears and tantrums" or her website www.awareparenting.com

I think it might also be worthwhile exploring why she does not like nursery - is it just the new environment, are there any teachers that you might feel are not supportive of her or have somewhat harsher ways of guiding children, and coming from your gentle home she might dislike that? My son had to change childminders when he was just beyond two, and it was very hard for him. Everything was ok, but CM simply had a way with him that did not match his personality. He really hated to go there but we had no choice. Unfortunately, i was unaware of the value of support to tears and tantrums at the time and just became annoyed with him for his increasingly tantruming behaviour. Had I held him and listened, he may have had much easier a time adjusting. Instead, he knew that neither the CM nor mummy would really accept his feelings....

As of ILs - I know the feeling. I feel at my worst as a mum whenever around them. If they care to listen, you can explain that she has had many changes she has a hard time adjusting to, that she needs support and empathy, and that you all look forward to the time they can play together in peace.

Thanks ladies. She was a little better yesterday and we actually had a really good evening; she seemed happier at nursery and when one of her friends was crying at pick-up time she said "X is crying!" I grabbed the opportunity with both hands and said "I know. Maybe she needs a friend to see if she's OK - do you think you could do that? It might make her feel better."
DD promptly trotted over, patted her friend on the back and said 'You're going to be OK" which melted my heart and baffled distracted her friend sufficiently. So some progress at least..

She has been going to nursery since she was eight months old: she was in the 'younger toddler' room for a long time and built up a brilliant relationship with her key carer there, so she might well be missing her: her new key carer is very quiet so she might not get as much individual attention as she used to. She's very (catastrophically?) verbal so it's often easier to see her as older than she is (I often have to remind myself that she's just 2 rather than 3); she can pick things up very quickly but does tend to wander off on her own sometimes, which might not sit so well in a more structured environment.

I suspect the 'seeing her as older than she is' is the root of the problem with the ILs - DNiece and DNephew do a lot of rough-and-tumble playing which DD has never liked and she's not getting the same 'be gentle with festivalorphan, she's still small' as she was, so maybe they need reminding that she's not quite big enough to expect her to join in all the time.
DNiece in particular is going through a 'tattling' phase that infuriates me - "NO festivalorphan, you DON'T EVER do that - Auntie Wiiiiiidooooooow, she took the jigsaw out of the box and now she's PLAYING with it (or some other perfectly normal activity)! That's REALLY BAD and you must tell her off now!" but that's 3 year olds for you I guess.

I'm trying the technique of trying to articulate the reason behind the tantrums which seems to be working well: "hey DD, you must be sad to be crying like that - or are you cross?"
"No, not cross"
"OK. Is there something making you sad?"
"Yeah"
If I'm short on time I'll try to come up with something completely daft which tends to get a laugh - like "are you sad because...there's a pigeon in the garden?"
Seems to work for the moment anyway - after a short time she says "Not sad any more!" and wanders off to do her own thing for a bit. We'll see how it goes!

Think of this behavior as a blip. It will pass.

Can you remind her before cousins arrive about what she has to do/say if she doesn't like something. Get her to come and tell you and then be really pleased when she does.

Can you tell the cousins as soon as they arrive that they need to be gentle around DS as he doesn't like the fighting.