I have become a slave to my children

[eyeeyeippy]

How do you stop yourself becoming a slave to your kids? Mine are 5 and 2.5 and I feel like I fetch and carry for them all the time. Today I just feel like they are brats. Other people think they are really well behaved becauase when we are out they are (on the whole), but at home they just demand ALL the time. Not stuff like 'I want a a biscuit NOW', more like 'Mummy please will you get the box of crayons for me', or 'no, I'd like my banana whole not chopped'. It's generally quite polite, but I feel like I just follow them around the whole time. I used to be really strict with DC1, but DC2 is quite tantrumy, and I feel like sometimes I just do it to avoid the tantrums. I had two kids so they would be fairy self sufficient, but it's not working. I feel like the house is a permanent tip and they just don't help me. Any tips?

Can you gently encourage them to do stuff and praise praise praise when they do? Put on a very enthusiastic voice and get them to help then work to them doing it? And when they do, say "you're very helpful" etc etc?

IMHO children need training (in the nicest possible way). Takes a bit more work in the early days rather than doing it yourself, buy why not put everything they might need within easy reach and direct with lots of 'gosh yuo're so grown up..'

When ds got to 5 I started giving pocket money on the proviso he did some household chores - laying the table, putting clothes in the laundry and tidying bedroom were the bottom line - if he didn't do it he didn't get pocket money. I added extra incentives like earning a bit extra for helping in the garden, helping wash the car.

Might not work for your youngest but I was also once quite ill when dh away, and really did need ds to help out a bit. he rose to the occasion and got lots of positive feedback.

Tbh, if he could, he would probably still have me run around after him and still needs reminding (he's 10) but at least the principal is established and it is done uncomplainingly.

Ignore the tantrums-much better for the long term.
Start saying 'what did your last servant die of?'
All you need to say is 'sorry, darling-your crayons you need to get them' or 'the banana is in the bowl'.
Get them used to helping. They won't do it if they get away with not.
It is amazing how many DCs come out of school and just hand all their belongings to the mother as if she is a pack horse!

I can empathise with the tantrums. One of mine used to have the most mind blowing tantrums I've ever seen.

It hink since they are used to you doing it, it probably needs to be a gradual change for all of your sanity. What about setting up a marble jar? Every time they help, or do something for themselves, you give them a marble to put in the jar. When it's full they get a treat.

Hi eieippy. If it is easy for them to get Something then you should just say no. Simple problem solver then of course you have to deal with the tantrum which is a lot easier when you understand the purpose of children's tears. Children may seem to cry about something small like because you won't get then a crayon or biscuit but they use these small reasons as an excuse to get in a tantrum about emotional stuff that may have built up over days , months or even years! The crying is a way to heal from stress and emotional upset - tears contain the stress hormone cortisol and manganese a mood balancing hormone do if you comfort and support a child through their tears in a loving way they will be in a better mood. The reason your kids are behaving like spoilt brats is they are looking for excuses to get into the tantrums that you keep procrastinating . You can read more in tears and tantrums by aletha solter or have a look at the free resources at the hand in hand parenting website

I've found that, periodically, I have to reset the bar for 'what they can do for themselves' and 'what I have to do for them'. Otherwise, I'd still be tying DS's shoelaces even though he's 12yo. Takes longer when they do it and you might end up having to remind them or help out occasionally but, with a bit of patience, everyone gains.

I know it seems alot easier to just fetch things than to train them but it is a long haul thing. Mine started out in Reception with a short list of chores to earn pocket money but even before that, they were expected to organise their own stuff and pick up their own mess.

Thanks everyone, this is all most helpful. I like the marble jar, and thanks Cogito, I will sit down later and write down a list of what I have to do for them and what they can do for themselves. Then at least I don't have to make a split decision about whether it is unreasonable of them to ask me to do it.
Does anyone have any practical ideas about where to put stuff so they can get it themselves by the way? Is 5 too young to expect a child to get their own fruit, for example?

I solved the problem of fetching drinks by placing a jug of squash/water in the fridge and encouraging DS to help himself rather than keep asking me. Fruit we always have in a bowl on the kitchen table (reachable) and I might snap the business end of a banana if it's particularly tough but otherwise he would get a plate and sit down with it. Cupboards and boxes got labels and pictures put on them and that helped with putting things away as well as getting them out. (Copied that from DS's school). Laundry hamper in bedroom.

As you've got two, I think it's OK to ask the older one to help the younger one rather than you doing things all the time. Fullsome praise when this happens, obviously. :)

I've always had fruit within reach, once they were old enough, I rearranged cupboards so snacks were in reach. You can get a little plastic step so they can reach the tap to wash their hands and fetch water.

My dts were packing their own lunches as soon as they started school. I make the sarnies and put them on the side, everything else is in reach for them to help themselves. With four, I've had to encourage them to look after themselves a bit, or I would never stop. They do have to ask before getting food, or we would have nothing left, or they would be eating right before mealtimes, etc.

I also put some low down hooks inside a cupboard too, so they can hang up their coats, lunchboxes, bookbags. At 5 your oldest should be able to do quite a bit for themselves. Your DC1 could also make their own bed, put their washing in the basket.

I usually go on about teamwork. Their was a show on cbeebies that always went on about it a few years ago when mine were that age, no idea if it still runs? Also about mummies getting tired and having no time or energy to do fun things if they have to do ALL the work!

I know the feeling! Sometimes i feel the same, like i am always getting them things and doing stuff and fetching stuff for other people!

I now get them to do things for themselves as much a possible but i do feel guilty sometimes when i am saying no i won't get you that or put that drink in a different cup or whatever.

I am trying to make my children more independent as otherwise i feel like a slave who never gets to sit down as every time i do i get asked for something!

I could carbon copy PooPoo, I'm bloody worn out and can't wait til they are 18 (okay, joking, sort of...) getting my DD age 10 to wash her face and brush her hair each day is like trying to climb Everest on crutches and don't even get me started on the mess......