So just how much/how badly will DD be affected by the arrival of number 2??

[WhoahThereCrazyHorse]

All of a sudden I?ve started feeling so very sorry for DD, who will be 21 mo when DC2 arrives in October. I appreciate that the majority of my sad feeling is caused by pregnancy hormones and the fact that DD is currently struggling to settle in her new room at nursery and cried when I left her this morning. But nonetheless, I?d like to start thinking about how we should behave to help her adjust, and what coping strategies we can give a toddler ? are there any?!

Can anyone advise on what DH and I should be doing in preparation, I?m hoping she?ll start speaking soon, which might help a bit!!! Are there any books I should read?

My dd1 was 21mo when dd2 arrived. Omg, she absolutely adores her little sister. When we introduced dd1 to the new arrival, she kept repeating 'baby, baby,baby'. Dd1's speech wasn't great either, and is only starting to pick up a lot now.
We had dd2 in a baby bouncer, I wasn't holding her. We also bought a present for dd1 from dd2 (a trike) which she still loves. This distracted her for the rest of the day, and came into the house now and then to acknowledge 'baby', she was obsessed with her. It was just adorable :)
We used to get dd1 to hug my tummy too, as in baby inside, not that she understood, but I got lots of cuddles and kisses (on my tummy) for it.
I didn't read any books, but played everything by ear, trying to work out what dd1 wanted etc, and wasn't hard on her, as it was a big thing for her.
She wouldn't be without Alice anymore, and I doubt she'd ever remember being the only child.

DS was just 19 months when DD arrived and DD will be 21 months when DC3 appears.

DS coped remarkably well with DD's arrival, but like you, I was really worried about him. I think that being so young really helped actually because he was much more accepting than several of his friends who were a bit older when their siblings arrived.

We didn't really talk much about the baby when I was pregnant, it was only in the final few weeks that I got him involved with sorting out baby clothes, nappies and the moses basket etc. He had a great time sitting in it and playing with all his old baby toys again! We didn't read any books about the new baby, I just made sure I had lots of special time with him from the very start. When DD napped, DS and I did lots of craft type activities, read some new books and did lots of one-to-one playing. We kept things as 'normal' as possible, so, saw the same friends, went to the same toddler groups, park etc etc.

DS and DD are such good friends now, and the close age gap means that he probably has no memory of life before her.

I am more concerned how he will take to the new baby this time round now that he is 3 and able to vocalise how he feels!

Every child is different, but you could:
Buy her a present from the new baby (which she gets when you come home from hospital - preferably she has to hunt for it and find it in the baby's room/cot)
Plan to feed the baby during the day in a space where there's room for her to cuddle up beside you and be read a story
Plan to ask her to fetch you the wipes etc when the baby needs changing
When you come home from hospital (or if she comes to visit you in the hospital) make sure Dad is holding the baby so you can be ready to give her a cuddle
Be firm if she is overly physical with the baby but otherwise be gentle as she adjusts
Make lots of comments, almost as if directed at the baby not her, like "Look at your clever big sister doing xyz, when you are older she will show you how to do that"
And in the same vein lots of comments to suggest that she is important to the baby, e.g. "Wow, baby really likes it when you do xyz"

don't worry about it... at this age they aren't going to understand or retain much above feeling your round belly and maybe being able to say 'beebee' (though that really doesn't help)

if there's any behaviour your toddler has that could be a problem try and work it out now so you don't have to try with baby in your arms. i had a cot set up in my lounge so i could put newborn down somewhere safe where toddler couldn't reach them... (and same doubling as playpen for toddler)

mine liked being cuddled with the new born with me saying 'two babies! one, two...'

Cbeebies is a wonderful friend during those first few weeks when you may not be up to much.

DD was 2 when I had DS and she absolutely loved being "big sister" She used to play with him and treat him so gently - probably even more carefully than I did - almost as if even then she knew how delicate babies are.

Now, of course, at 13 & 11 the gentle treatment has long gone and the "closeness" can be measured by whether they are talking to each other

I was 18mo when my brother appeared. And I say 'appeared' because, back in the day, no-one thought to tell me a baby was imminent, my mum disappeared for a fortnight without warning, I was not taken to visit her in the hospital during that time and when she came home carrying DB it was a total surprise to the extent that I peered in the pram and asked 'what is it?'. (And if I never hear the story again it'll be too soon ... )

I tell you all of this not as a suggestion how to handle things but to reassure you that even if you totally cock up the process your DD will not necessarily be emotionally damaged. :)

My DD was 18mths when DS arrived and it all went really well. We did prepare her by involving her in preparations and reading stories about new babies, etc. And she was really helpful with him (apart from the time when she shared her raisins with him....)
She can't remember there ever being a time when he wasn't there!

arf cogi

really good advice on this thread

I will say that cbeebies will be your friend

invest in a sling for hands-free toddler time

DS1 is going to be 13mo when DS2 is born and I didn't think I needed to bother telling DS1 because surely he won't understand!

I'm surprised to hear 18-month olds are old enough to understand that there's a baby coming. Should I maybe be paying a bit more attention to this?

I would say don't automatically assume there will be difficulties, because you may create them. DD1 was 2 when DD2 arrived. She adores her and, other than the odd fight over toys (DD2 is now nearly one and starting to fight back!) they adore each other. We have never had any jealousy issues whatsoever.

DD1 does love being a 'big girl' though, which helps. So she didn't mind DD2 having her cot because she was having a 'big girl bed', etc, etc.

YY to the sling - a godsend!
Also just thought re: big girl beds etc - if you need to move dd out of her cot so that it's free for the baby, or pass on any other equipment she is currently using, try to get that out of the way before the baby arrives, so that she sees it more as about her becoming a big girl, rather than about the baby taking things away from her.

in general in my observation under 2s cope very well with a new sibling-they don't remember for long not having a sibling -
agree is not to make any other major changes at the same time - so ideally any bedroom changes/moved etc- make well before the baby arrives
and then more for your peace of mind make sure she is happy with whoever is going to look after her when you have DC2 - a practice overnight could be good maybe?
expect a bit of regression - eg want more babyish things
oh and if possible keep a bit of nursery going - I think it helps the older one have a routine and helps you to have a bit of time with one child

Thanks everyone - this all sounds very sensible and I'm feeling much more relaxed and reasonable about it all now. Of course, that's just for today and I could be hormonal and tearful again tomorrow.....

:)

Don't worry too much if there are some initial signs of upset or resentment- she'll have a lifetime of compensation.

My dd (who was rather older at 3) was quite unsettled when ds was born and did try to hurt him a few times, but she also adored him- and they still adore each other at 12 and 15. Which is lovely to see.