Letting ds have a Facebook account - advice

[mumtoh]

This has probably been done already somewhere, but ds is 11, starting secondary school in Sept and wants a FB account. I have held off for over a year, when he has nagged and nagged me, but feel that now is the time (and yes I know they are not supposed to have an account until they are 13 but some of his friends had one at 8!!).
So, as I am not really a FB user (I have an account but don't really go on it at all), are there any tips for me on how to manage his FB activity?

I was head of year at at secondary school for seven years and the amount of trouble social media caused was unbelievable. The longer you can hold her off from this the better IMO. You are just laying your self wide open for all sorts of issues. I know it's a balance between what al the other kids do/have/want and you don't want your dd to be the odd one out but if you do go down this road you will need to police it very closely.

Don't do it. We let our 11 year old dd get one and it caused no end of trouble. We had to take it away from her and she is 13 now and still won't be getting one for a long time yet.

I know dd's password, and i screen all her emails. So I see most of the messages before she does, and I can see who she is adding as friends.

I have heard a lot about problems on facebook though, but it seems to be mostly older kids around here. Not letting them have it doesn't necessarily solve the issue neither. Some kids set up a fake account in the name of a nearby girl and posted loads of crap.

Make sure his privacy settings are locked down.

Have a chat with him about how what you post on the internet is there forever.

I remember a particular incident with a mum monitoring a fb account and finding bullying messages - she began replying back as if she were her dd and before long it got very out of control with parents screaming at each other in the street and the police becoming involved. I have had one girl at the point of suicide over bullying via phones and fb. Another girl had a hate website set up about her by a group of girls she had been best friends with for years - police matter I the end. I have had mums in my office clutching reams of printed pages of bullying emails. It goes on and on. One girl actually had her phone connected to her mum in her pocket while I gave her a dressing down about some bad behaviour unbekown to me - I got a call from the head 10 mins later wanting to know what had happened after the mum rang school!!! I got videoed having a stink bomb thrown at me and it was posted on YouTube - nothing I can do about it. These are just some highlights! You have to be hyper vigilant

I am a member of a social networking site myself so don't want to appear a hypocrit but I often think it's a shame that these sites are around. Although I have never had any problems they do cause no end of trouble and young children should be playing with their friends rather than talking to them through a computer.

You really have to think of the implications here (sounds like you have), bullying, arguments, grooming etc. An 11 year old child has enough 'growing up' to do without throwing all of that into the mix. I know that at the same time your DS is desperate to join and might be being teased by his friends for not having an account so that's weighing on your mind too. My sister used to get teased at school when she was 8 for not watching Eastenders, teasing stopped when said child's mum announced that she did not watch EE and did in fact watch Rosie and Jim. Children often put on a front to their friends but it's understandable that your DS wants to keep up with the trend.

However be sure that you are making the right choice for him. You sound ground down, I'm sure a year of perstering would do that to anyone but make the choice to let him have an account because you 100% feel that it's the right time and not because it would make him happy.

It's a condition of Facebook that you're at least 13Y old. My DD chose not to have Facebook until she was 15 and it didn't restrict her social life. She went to lots of parties and has lots of friends.

I don't have children but if you don't mind, can I please add my thoughts on this.

Apart from the obvious (monitoring, security settings etc)
Do not let your child use their full name for their profile name. Maybe first name and middle name only. Or a nick name.
In 10 years time when they are searching for a job under their full name, their childhood rants, photos, messages etc won't be found.
I'm sure we're all glad that our previous teenage angst isn't searchable online now that we are adults, and this is one way to limit your child's exposure.
And just because their profile may be private, if they post a comment/photo on someone else's wall and that person's wall/profile isn't private, then it can be seen by anyone.

Thanks for advice everyone, some good stuff there if ds ends up having an account. I am a bit apprehensive about him having an account, and he is getting teased about it. I can't see the point in FB myself, but I know lots of kids use it, the bullying side of things is definitely of concern.

Will have to see...

I might be flamed for this, but I gave in and let my DS have a Facebook account just before he turned nine, last September.

All of his friends on it are either family members, several of whom live in different parts of the country and Ireland, friends from his class, and a few friends from his old school. The person he interacts most with is his eleven year old cousin in Ireland.

TBH, he hardly bothers with it now, and talks about the games being boring. I don't think he's updated his status for about a month, and he is talking of leaving altogether. This is what I hoped might happen, after the novelty wore off, but it might be a riskier strategy with your DS, as he's a couple of years older and will probably know more people on there

I have told both mine that we are sticking to the rules. Not actually because I always do stick to rules (I have sometimes let a 12yo watch a 15 film if I judged it appropriate) but because I think Yr 7 is a bad time to be exposed to a social media like Facebook with such enormous potential for going pearshaped.

Safer for 9yos in many ways; 11 is the age when they are starting to get a lot of independence- and want to impress girls!- but aren't really very mature. 9 is a far more sensible age ime.

No way ds is getting one until 13- and I've told him we will discuss it then, not that he's necessarily getting it on his 13th birthday.

Dd only started on Facebook at age 15 which was ideal, she had got over that first mad rush for social recognition that comes at the start of secondary and was mature enough to know how to handle it. Though that was her own decision which made life easier. And funnily enough she is the one who's been telling ds that he can't even ask for a Facebook account until he's 13- she has heard enough horror stories through school. Not of grooming but of young people getting carried away and getting themselves into hot water socially.

DS is 11 as well & went through a phase of mithering to go on fb because all his friends were on there. I just kept saying "no" untill the message got through. He doesn't bother about it now, although we're expecting it to start again in september when he gets to high school!

Both my DD's have them, They have all the privacy settings, and they have to have me on their friends list so that I can see what's going on,, They arent allowed to accept any friend requests without checking with me first. To be honest after the initial excitement they hardly use it now-occaisionaly for playing games.
I possibly have been very lucky, but sometimes it's a matter of learning to trust them to be responsible

DS had FB from the last term of year 6. It was a good way to stay in touch with his friends from primary school who were scattering to different secondaries, and to keep up with friends and family overseas.

I made sure his privacy settings were watertight, and kept a very close eye (had his password etc) to start with. He's now in year 9 and we haven't had any issues with it at all, except perhaps for him wanting to spend too much time on the computer.

I wonder if a lot of the problems people mention are more with girls than boys? The early years of secondary are a notoriously difficult time socially for girls.

It is difficult when they are pressuring you because friends are on it but the age restrictions are there for a reason. I am glad my two have no interest in it to be honest because 95% of the stuff I hear about it is no end of trouble and arguing, for children and adults alike. I also have a strong belief that at age 11 they should be interacting by playing not on a PC. My 13 year old niece has an account and I'm not even happy about what she has on her front page, I find it very distasteful and wouldn't repeat it here, suffice to say I wasn't happy when my SIL let my DS, also 13, see it one her ipad.

Anyway, sometimes no has to mean no, my DD (10) has been mithering for a mob phone for years because she reckons all her class have one and the boy round the corner who has had one since he was 7 or 8 but I've said, no, not til she's at high school and then only for emergencies. I've seen this boy wandering round our garden on a sunny day staring at the phone instead of playing, it's pathetic.