daughter getting married? advice please!!

[Boardiegirl]

I'm proof that difficulties with 'parenting' dilemmas last a looooong time! My only best friend emigrated 5 years ago and I have no-one to discuss this with.
Our DD is 27 and met a guy, 29, on a dating website 4 months ago. After 'chatting' and texting for 2 weeks they met and from then on she says she has 'known he is The One'. He moved into her rented house after 3 months and he recently asked if he could meet with me and my DH in a couple of weeks, (when he has some bond money back to be able to fund a ring btw), to Ask Us the big question.
Bit of background; our DD is in a professional job, came out of a live-in relationship 16 months ago, SHE was the one who approached the guy on the website, she is very assertive and when she wants something will go all out to get it! I ask her why the rush into marriage and she says she knows it's right with this guy and anyway she wants her first child before she's 30, so time is tight.
As for him, he seems nice, quiet,amenable, (he'd have to be to live with our DD; she will wear the trousers tbh!!), kind and genuine...as far as we can tell; we have socialised with them about 8 times. He has funded himself through a degree and is currently doing another to be fully qualified in the field, (so also works and has v little disposable income and the obligatory Student Debt), he has lived with a girl previously, breaking up around the same time as my DD and she is very sure that his family will not contribute towards anything for him including a wedding, (which is fine by us btw).
We will be funding the wedding and engagement party as our DD and he have no savings and we always were prepared to have to pay for a wedding, having a DD!
Here's what I need advice on!!

1.Do you think it can be Real Love when it's so quick?
2.What questions should we ask when, (if?) he asks us to marry her?

1. Should we try to 'involve' his parents?
2. Is it possible that our DD just wants to marry and have children and he was right place, right time?
3. Do you think there is anything manipulative/sinister etc. behind his intentions?

Thanks in anticipation, please pretend you are a bezzy of mine!
I really appreciate the advice as the Question could be any day now.

Answer to 1 - 5 is simply, get to know your future son-in-law as well as you can, if he offers contact with his parents accept graciously and, unless you have proof positive that he is a right royal bad'un, respect your DD's decision, say 'how marvellous' to the proposal, and then stay well out of it.

Yes, she may be feeling that the music has stopped and he's the one sitting in the right chair marked 'sperm donor'... or they could be celebrating their diamond wedding anniversary and still dippliy holding hands. It's not your business which.

Hi,

I'm early fifties and back in the old days a courtship of four months would've seemed short but not extraordinarily so. These days such a short relationship is positively unusual, which is why you posted of course.

It's hard for an outsider to judge. All would recommend is to have your red flag antennae on high alert every time you meet this guy or talk to your daughter about him.

One of my adult DDs, though younger than yours, is extremely driven, single-minded and assertive so I see where you are coming from.

All you can do is work on the assumption that she's not stupid, she knows what she wants to do and continue to give her your love and support - and be there to pick up the pieces if it all goes badly wrong. From your description of him there's nothing to indicate he's a Wrong 'Un - I really think you have to trust her judgement.

I have a lot of sympathy - two of my DCs are in their twenties and it is so hard to sit on your hands, do nothing and say nothing sometimes :o. You have to let them make their own mistakes - if of course it is a mistake. It could well be the start of a long and happy marriage.

At 27, yes I think it can be real love this quick, and the kind that lasts! I went out with DH for 2 months before he proposed, and we were married in another 6 months. 20 years later, we're still going strong.

I'd tell a 20 year old to be cautious, as they're still changing at that age, but by mid 20s I think people know what they want and can recognise it when they find it. People reach a point when they want to settle down, and if they are with someone who seems

I'm a bit amazed that he's going to "ask" you to marry her at their ages - the only acceptable answer is "Yes of course" though you might chat about when they're planning the wedding etc, but only as a chat not a "question".

Up to him what involvement his parents have

4 Yes, but that doesn't make it any less genuine or less of a good choice

5 No, not if he seems like a decent enough chap in general!

I met DH on a dating site. He was 35, I was 30. We knew within a month that we would get married. Were engaged at the end of the first year. Married at the end of the second. My parents paid for our wedding. We've been together 9 years, have a dd and still adore each other.

Is it the fact that they met on a dating site that is bothering you? I'm not sure why there should be anything 'sinister' behind his intentions. I think you should trust your DD's judgement, unless you have a bad feeling about him or have seen anything to make you concerned (or your DD has a track record of going for really awful men). So in answer to your questions:

1: Yes
2: None - I presume he is as a formality because he wants to reassure you that he respects your position as her parents and sees you as having a role in his and your DD's life.
3: Only insofar as it would be nice for you all to meet up and get to know each other.
4: It's always possible - but surely many relationships have an element of 'right place, right time' about them. I don't doubt if I'd been 20 and DH 25 when we met we wouldn't have stayed together, but just because neither of us was ready to settle down then, not because we aren't right for each other now.
5: No - he sounds lovely from your description, unless he's a sociopath!

Every parent wants to be sure that their child is going to be with the right person; unfortunately there are no guarantees, but I agree with Stranded that your main job is to congratulate her - she's an adult, and this is her choice.

he is asking as a formality.

As the saying goes, you are a member of the Welcoming Committee rather than the Selection Committee!

Yes it's possible it's all hunky dory but i'd be suspicious about the need for an engagement party and big wedding if the people getting engaged and married have no money.

Lets say he is sinister, what can you do? she is old enough to make her own descions.

You should trust her - and if it all goes wrong, so what - thats life, things often start well and go well or ....go wrong!

relax enjoy it - life is too short. how well do any of us know anyone? you can think you know someone then they go and do something madly bizzaree...

and yes i would contact his folks and try and get to know them through wedding plans.

Be thrilled, supportive and happy. Yes, definitely make an effort to get to know his side of the family.

DH and I were engaged 4 months after we met and married 6 months after that. We had both just got out of serious 3-year long relationships. Four years, one mortgage, a toddler and an impending baby later we are still very happy :) (and I am still considerably younger than your DD).

I would wonder when they are thinking of getting married. If its not for a while I would feel happier, that at least they will know each other much better by then. They are mature adults, they can and will do what they want anyway! Best to be supportive. I think it would be nice to suggest meeting his parents, they are probably as intrigued and maybe as anxious as you are! Good luck!

I knew within a couple of weeks of meeting my Hubby that he was 'the one' and I had been married previously.
He sounds like a decent chap, funding himself thru a degree is no mean feat, and he did request to meet you so it certainly sounds like he is capable and with good intention. Even the richest men with most respectable jobs dont necesarily make good husbands !!LOL
I think if your daughter was younger-16,17,18 my response would be different but I think she's at the age where there isnt much you can do. Having had my differences with my own parents over a few relationships I think if you declare against, as it were, you may well push her towards it and end up falling out, which I'm sure isnt what you want.
You are clearly a very caring , loving mum and want your daughter to be happy. I think you need to get to know him better for your own peace of mind but other than that I dont think there is much you can do.

WOW guys! Im truly awed by all your considered responses, you've put so much thought into your advice and im really grateful.
to clarify, (in case iv come across as some sort of mumzilla!), my DD and i are very close and im in an excitement bubble atm since she told me about him and even more so since he asked to meet with me and DH! However, as i said i have no real buddy to discuss it with and the few colleagues etc i mentioned it to made me doubt my delight by saying 'its too soon, it wont last, you'll pay all that money for a wedding before she even knows him properly? youre mad...'. etc etc ad nauseum.
So i asked you guys and most of you are saying what im feeling!
It doesnt help that DH wont discuss it at all and says similar to colleagues when i ask him why he wont even talk about the topic.

Just to respond to a few of you...mindgone, she wants a 1year engagement...AKMD and speculationisrife and AmuminScotland, i am warmed by your personal stories, many congrats and i will keep fingers crossed for my DD and bf to do as well as you!..cogitoErgoSometmes, I have socialised as much as poss with DD and her bf together as i really want to get to know him but DH isnt so keen and still thinks its way to soon for us to be involved...strandedbear and elizaregina, yes she should know her own mind and hassled, you're right she isnt stupid...FridayOLeary ,i love that, Welcoming Committee lol, yea youre spot on! And MrsBranestawn, me and DH are your age so you know where im coming from!

My DH and i met when we were 8, were bf and gf for 2 years, (and i still remember the intensity of feeling), then drifted away to grow up, meeting again when we were 17. We never doubted it was right, married 3 years later and have recently celebrated 31 years! So i do know it can happen and really hope fate has made it so for my DD.

A huge, genuine thanks for all the comments, (and any more to follow...), i feel reassured and comforted by how similar you all feel to me...wish you were close and id invite you over for a cuppa!

Just a bit more...its been over the 2weeks he said he would meet up with us and my DD says he has had his money, so now i just hope he hasnt changed his mind...
Also, there is conflicting advice from you about whether or not i/we/he try to involve his folks. My instinct says yes, all mums want to be involved in such happy arrangements, BUT will it be awkward for them if they're not contributing financially? (it makes no diff at all to us, we are the bride's parents and expected it to be up to us to fund it) And if the bf says he prefers they were not involved, whilst obv i would respect that and do nothing, will they think its us being 'funny' because they wont pay??

MrsB1 thanks a lot, yes i do hve a need to get to know him! I never once dreamed of saying no etc or declaring against him and yes, me and DD are very close, she tells me everything so i have known so early that she 'knew hes the One' it actually feels to me like they've been together a lot longer!

She seems to have some very .. hmm, specific timings in mind. A one year engagement (what for?), first baby before 30 (why?) which would make me a bit concerned about her motives. I certainly do not think you should consider whether or not to pay for the wedding based on whether or not you think the marriage will last, you couldn't possibly make that call. I'd argue at 27 she can fund her own wedding but circumstances vary tremendously (and I'm a great believer in everyone having the wedding they can afford, a view my parents encouraged with six children in my blended family).

Why would the other parents not be involved at all? (Excluding financially) And why is the one year engagement so important? If he's The One, fine, get married and get on with it, surely?

You sound lovely Boardiegirl.

Although quite a lot older than your daughter, we got engaged after 6 months and married 18 months after that. I pretty much knew DH was 'the one' after the fifth date and we are still very happy after five years.

Even though you doubt the relationship, I would be as positive as encouraging as you can. Maybe say to them it is moving fast but you are happy nonetheless. It could be that they have a very long and happy marriage and it would be a shame to spoil the start of it by questioning everything and being suspicious. Trust that your daughter is making the right decision.

In terms of getting involved, tell them you are happy to assist but be guided them. There are numerous stories online of mothers and mother-in-laws interfering and wanting things their way. It's so stupid. It's your daughter's day and it sounds like she knows what she will want. Equally, don't push to get parents-in-law involved. If they are interested/your daughter and partner want them to be involved it will it's natural course.

Enjoy the wedding preparations!

Re tribpot's comment, I think the 'want to have a first baby before 30' aim is actually quite common, at least in my experience. It doesn't necessarily happen, but it is something that I said, and that many of my girlfriends said, when they were in their late 20s. 30 just represents a landmark in life and adulthood, rather than a dubiously specific timing, in my opinion.

And a 1-year engagement is very much normal timings, given as the vast majority of typical wedding reception venues are booked up a year in advance. Of course the additional benefit of the regular one-year engagement is that the couple are committed and actively planning their future, but still have time to learn about each other and test the water, and hopefully iron out any potential relationship issues.

OP, I wouldn't read much into it - like most posters, I think it sounds romantic, healthy, and happy news. If they wanted to get married next month, I would worry, but summer 2013 is a very sensible amount of time away in terms of giving their relationship space to strengthen. I just hope the proposal materializes soon for your sake! Is your daughter expecting him to pop the question soon as well?

Yes Imperfectionist, he told her that in May or June he would secretly buy the ring. She doesn't know he has actually mentioned it to us though, he wanted it to be a surprise for her in terms of when he actually asked us and then asks her.
Thanks for your advice! The 'baby before 30' thing is as you say common, due to ticking biological clocks and the need to feel not too 'old' to enjoy yourselves when children fly the nest...(not an opinion MN, just a commonly held feeling!)

augustajones you sound lovely too! I have never doubted my DD's choice as such, just needed to discuss it all. I dont aim to be an interference its just that she and I do a lot together! I already know exactly what she would like, although that may have to be tempered by our budget and she knows that! She has asked me to go 'dress' shopping with her so that's lovely!
Yes, she certainly knows what she wants and always does in everything she touches. She has a demanding job and I think the qualities she needs for that, (determination, assertiveness, motivation, iron will to succeed and often stubborn refusal to acquiesce!) are those she possessed anyway but also those which make her very driven, which can be positive or not so, depending on the situation! His parents live 2hours' drive away so we won't get to meet them automatically; itl have to be engineered if we do meet.

Tribpot, i dont really know why his parents wouldn't want to be involved apart from what my DD has told me. She says he is from a large family but he says none of his siblings will attend the wedding; his parent and step-parent will be very surprised he would want to marry allegedly...I cant really say any more in case of any remote chance of identification tbh.
Im happy, (well, delighted tbh!) to pay for a DD's wedding; our other 3 are DS's but we would contribute if ever any of them want to marry...but we always expected to pay in full for a DD's day, probably because my DM did for us! DD earns quite well but most goes on rent and bills, although she is saving for their honeymoon.

Once again, thanks for the considered responses, I appreciate them all.

Btw, I will let all you MNers know when, (if....?), he does 'ask' us.....!

I think it is possible, yes. My mum and dad married at the ages of 17 and 22 respectively, 6 weeks after they met. They're still very happy together 26 years later.

:)

Very possible My OH moved in with me after 5 days and we celebrated 8 yrs together on the 21st :-)