Help please - this is too much resposibility for DD (or me!)

[HattieJaques]

Just caught DD (who is 13) texting in her room and read her riot act as we have 'no technology after 9.30' rule - tears as she says was talking a 'friend' out of killing herself with overdose.

This is second time this has happened with same 'friend' - last time was in February - I have told DD this is too much for her to deal with but she says girl will not tell parents and also that girl helps DD with her own issues - they both self harm tho' my DD does in minor way (and receiving councelling).

DD does not know where this friend lives - they go to same school but do not know each other in RL - made 'friends' on FB. So cannot contact family or anything - I have told DD she must tell girl to talk to parents but if girl is really serious what can I do? DD says girl is 'only' going to self harm tonight - can anyone suggest what I do if this happens again (I fear it will)

I'm no help sorry, just couldn't read and run.

Could you meet dd at school and accidentally see this girl and/or her parents? If not could you give your dd a lift round there and get talking to the parent(s)

Here, have some

Thanks for the LadyBabs - I think it may be a long night - can here DD sobbing so going to have to go in again?

DD has never met this girl in RL - their school v big, girl is in different year, met via FB simPly thro connection of going same school(everyone 'friends' everyone else)Parents do not in general pick up their kids - school buses mostly or public transport. No real chance to meet 'accidentally'.:( Can't think of a good way to deal with this??

Oh your poor DD. I had a suicidal and self harming friend when I was her age and you're right, it is so hard to deal with - the sense of helplessness and responsibility I felt was crushing. I think I would go to the school if I were you. If your DD has her on Facebook, you should be able to find out her name and age, and that should be enough for the school to identify a particular pupil. They can then talk to parents or refer to professionals as needed. Take the responsibility away from your DD, it's not fair on her, but do also acknowledge that it's ok for her to care and to be upset by it, and that she's being a good friend.

I agree with Naoko.

Offer some comfort and reassurance to dd. Praise her for being a kind, supportive, empathic human being. But point out that some things need adult support. Tell her she shouldnt have to handle this on her own, and you are there for her.

The most important thing here is that you build and maintain trust with dd. She needs to be able to off load to you. So lots of sensitivity around this is needed. If necessary tell her that you didn't want to distress her with the telling off about late texting. Let her know you care. Then lead the conversation to point out that not everyone has parents who can help. Ask her if that is the case with her friend.

Then tell her that she shouldnt have to handle this on her own, and neither should her friend. Let her know that there are adults who understand about self harm who can help. (Adults - not 'people' as some teens use websites to share self harm experiences!)

See if she will volunteer some information about this girl. Let dd know that you would like to see if there is someone who can help girls in your school who self harm.

Then follow it up with the head of year or SENCO. The SENCO should be familiar with referrals to CAMHS, or the Educational Psychologist.

Good luck.

It seems strange that your DD would go to the same school as this girl, be a source of support (and get support), and yet they havent met in real life. Why would they not have had the curiosity to do that? I would have concerns that there could be more to this situation.

I would send an e-mail to school, to DD's Head of Year to flag this up. School will have a CP procedure for dealing with this sort of thing. You can ask them to keep DD's name out of it.

I would encourage DD not to promise to keep any secrets.

I agree let the school know and they can tell the parents, but I'm with hiveofbees it seems strange that they go to the same school but haven't met. I'd also be concerned that they may be egging each other on re self harming and keep a v close eye on dd incase she is encouraged to take her own self harming further.

Contact the school.

IF the girl said to a counsellor that she was suicidal then the counsellor would have to tell someone, it is one of the few times a counsellor has to breach confidentiality.

Sadly I do not think it is odd that they have not met in real life.

As parents we have got to get our heads around the fact that our dc live in a very different world to the one we grew up in.

Children conducting a relationship entirely online, even when they go to the same school? Might seem utterly bizarre to us, but I think very common indeed amongst children this age.

Thank you

mrsFaf - thank you for the time you spent on that - all the things you mention I addressed last time this happened (in February). The difference being then that DD was in a very bad place herself at time - she wouldn't tell me girls name then and convinced me girl would 'only' self harm. DD has since started councelling and has told her councellor about this girl and a couple of others who also self harm she does know in RL. There seems to be a lot of them at her school - I talked to school nurse about it in March - she says she sees quite a few girls about it

I know it is weird they do not meet in RL but it is a big school and DD has several 'friends' on FB like this - I see them comment often - 'we should meet up at school - you seem nice' - ' you are the one that is a friend of x - we should meet at school' etc but they rarely do. In this instance I think the whole point is that they don't meet in RL - they would not talk so freely about their problems if they did.

I have girls name now - DD is very upset to betray a confidence and we came up with the idea that we would phone her councellor today and ask her to contact the school keeping DDs name out of it if possible.

Councellor (and I) have tried to convince DD she does not need people like this on her life but this is a 'work in progress'

Thank you all for your replies