5yo DS not making friends at school

[Traineetoddlertrainer]

DS (5) is in reception, at a local school about 1min walk from home. It is an infant school, with quite a high intake (3 classes per year), but is generally warm, friendly, very much part of the local community and everyone seems to live in the same area of the town, as do we.

I am getting really worried about DS just not making friends. We had the school fete yesterday, I was helping on one of the stalls (in retrospect, possibly a mistake) and expected DS to run around with his friends. Although - he didn't. It looked like all the other kids were racing around together, but he just initially tried to help me and then got bored, so sat around on his own behind me. He just didn't seem to interact with anyone else at all and generally just looked unhappy. This is not the first time I've been worried - he does seem to play on his own a lot (when we chat about lunchtimes) and I also noticed for the first time on Friday drop off that he just goes to one area of the classroom and sort of stands by himself..

I'm worried and just really need some advice on what to do. I know I should be networking more on the playground and setting up playdates etc. but this has a lot of logistical issues : unfortunately, I am not only a LP, but work practically full time, although do do pick up/drop off on Fridays. I am also having a slight challenge with enforcing strong work/life boundaries, as it is starting to take over my life a bit (I'm a bit too driven in that area), but that is for another thread.. From a practical perspective, we really only have Fridays & weekends for playdates and, unfortunately, DS goes swimming @16:30 on Fridays. He also goes to his dad (40 mins away) every other Frid-Sun. So we don't really have much time to play with.

I really don't know what the answer is but am hoping someone who is wiser than I can nudge me in the right direction. DS says that he is happy, so do I just let this roll & hope it will sort itself out? I have tried to set up playdates etc., but we've only had 2 in the whole year. And the invites to parties etc., are just not very forthcoming. It doesn't help that DS (basically due to his upbringing) is a 25yr old in a 5yr old's body - he likes doing stuff with me (we do a lot of cycling and walking) rather than his peers, who he has always seemed to find a bit too young for him. This didn't seem to matter in nursery, where he did establish a really good set of friends, who we are still in touch with (as well as NCT friends etc.), but something does seem to be up at school.

Any help would be great. What can I do, apart from feeling dreadfully guilty at working so much..?

It sounds like your expectations of the day of the fete werent really in keeping with your DS personality?

If you do want him to interact more with others - has he had a birthday party this year? Having one should get you more in peoples minds. Playdates are good, if you work full time then he weekends and holidays are probably the only times.

Do you know the other mums? If not then that would also be a good way of helping your DS socially. At that age it is still often a lot to do with whether one mum knows another as much as the DC specifically wantig to play with each other. You could turn some of the work ethic onto the school PTA for example?

Good luck.

Another option for making friends would something like Beavers when he is 5 3/4?

Thanks very much for the replies! In fact, he's already booked in to Beavers for Sept & I'm down to be a helper as well - forgot about that. That should help.

The point about the birthday party is a good one as well. He is a Sept birthday, so didn't have a party last year, just due to the sheer complexities of who to invite (new classmates? Old nursery friends? Everyone else..?), but I will start planning for this year.

I am friendly with other mums, but unf. my DS doesn't seem to like their DCs (almost a year age gap in some cases). Hopefully this will get better as well, as they are, for the most part, great kids. I'm hoping as they get older that the age "differences" will effectively narrow.

It's just all very difficult, isn't it.. Will get there in the end, I hope! Thanks very much again.

Watching this with interest, as my DD (3.5) is very similar. She's only at pre school at the moment, but always chooses something to do on her own at drop off too.

I've noticed at toddler groups and parties that she clings to me for a while at the start, before going off on her own to do her little thing. She always says she's really enjoyed the party/group/day at pre school, but especially at parties she often says before 'I feel a little bit poorly, not sure if I should go'.

And I don't think it's lack of playdates, as I'm on maternity leave at the moment, so we're playdating and going to toddler groups like mad (I need and adult conversation!), so don't beat yourself up about working too much.

I keep telling myself that maybe she's slow to move on from parallel play to actually being social, but the nervousness before parties makes me worry she gets quite anxious. I can understand how she feels, as I much prefer to socialise in small groups than at big parties, and when at work the mere mention of 'networking' makes me shudder, so I worry that somehow I've shown her how to be nervous rather than outgoing.

She does throw herself when with just 1 or 2 friends, she just tends to get left behind by her confident friends at larger gatherings.

I'm not offering any useful advice here, am I? Sorry. Just wanted to say your DS isn't the only one like this, and I don't believe it's due to your working life, as mine is the exact opposite, yet our little ones are very similar. Beavers is a great idea from the other poster, I think I'll put DDs name down for Rainbows, as she does enjoy structured activities.

I hope your DS learns to integrate in time, as I hope my DD will do as well

He sounds similar to my son. On a social level he is a bit rubbish. He is also 5 and it took him a while to make friends at school.

At parties he finds it hard to interact with the other kids as its outside the school environment. It can take him a long time to warm up!

Are you off over half term? Could arrange a meet up with some friends then?

Also agree about the birthday party. We had a whole class one which I was really uncertain about but I think it has helped his confidence. It also means he has been invited back which again has helped him.

Its also worth speaking to his teacher to see who he gets on with in class.

The main thing is he is happy!