Teen problems

[salemsparklys]

Sorry if this is long

Almost 13 yr old DD1 has Dyslexia and it has caused her to have low self confidence all her life, she gets very frustrated and lashes out, she has always had lots of trouble at school, if she feels hurt or thinks she is being made fun off she gets defensive and verbally lashes out at those around her, we have tried to talk to her about this and make her see this is partly why she has no friends and is linked to being bullied.
We moved house and DD'S moved schools, we all thought a new start would be a good thing, but even though DD1 made friends to start with, its all gone back to how it was, she is in a bad mood at home, comments are being made at school and i have been told she is calling others names now and then denies doing so, if they do anything back to her she gets upset,tells on them and then of course they want nothing to do with her.
It hurts us so much to see her like this but i have no idea what to do or say to stop this, i am at the point of taking her out of school even though i know this doesnt solve the issue.
Any ideas on how to help her would be fantastic x

What does she do outside of school? What are her interests and hobbies? What gets her fired up? I'm asking because I think, if her problems stem from low self-confidence in an educational environment where dyslexia might be a handicap to achievement, encouraging her to pursue other activities that she finds interesting and rewarding will help her self-esteem. I used to be quite involved in drama at my old school and remember one boy in particular who absolutely grew in confidence by taking part and finding it was something he was good at. Coincidentally, he also suffered from dyslexia.

She has her pony but she doesnt interact with any other children there, she will happily talk away to the adults and small children, just none her age, she tends to give up on things at the first sign of it being difficult or if there is a chance she might make a mistake and others may laugh at her, shes has always been like this sadly and doesnt want to do any after school classes.
She loves animals and is very good with babies, we also have a 1 yr DS who she is fantastic with, she fights as per normal with DD2 who is almost 9, she finds school and making friends far too easy and i think that grates on DD1 quite a bit.

I sympathise. It is very difficult indeed to teach someone who is mostly afraid of being laughed at how to cope with set-backs.... which is a valuable lesson in life IMHO i.e. failing, dusting yourself off but carrying on anyway. Would she do after-school activities if you were also involved? Community activities like scout groups, choirs, environmental groups, charity projects (animal shelters?) can be a good space for adults and younger people to achieve things together without there being pressure on anyone to shine individually. The more things she tries out the more chance she'll find the thing that gives her confidence.

Thank you for the ideas, i will start looking into things like the ones you have posted, we have been here a few months now but we are out in the middle of nowhere so need to actually find things lol x

Hi Salem, in a lot of ways she sounds like my DD (10), she too will not tend to get on with children her age, especially other girls. She also will not try hard at anything incase she fails ( or is too bone idle to put effort in).

Have you spoken to the school about the problems she has encountered there? I have had a hard time in the past trying to teach my DCs not to be the one calling names as it usually ends up that they are the worse off, even if someone else was initially to blame. My advice has become a) ignore b) try to be friendly and positive if possible! ( a toughie even for us adults if someone is giving us grief!) or failing that c) give a calm but 'clever' retort which might stop someone in their tracks.

It's good advice to work on the things outside school that she likes to do, my DD went through quite a few things before she found she loves a karate class. It's great that she is good with babies and her sibling baby, perhaps she will be a great babysitter for you and others in a few years?

Good luck with all this, hope your daughter is happier soon.

DD1 (14) is dyslexic and like your DD finds making friends with girls her own age very difficult, has since nursery.

I think she doesn't remember names, faces, gossip or pick up subtle social clues.

Being bright, but in the bottom reading and spelling group means she doesn't fit the class pecking order properly.

No one knows quite what to make of her and they lock on to her social failings as an excuse to tease her.

Like most dyslexics she can be very disorganised and it was very easy for the bullies to get her in a real fuss.

In the end several things have helped.

1. Discovering she can sing, pass exams and stand up in front of an audience.
2. repeating to herself dyslexia does not mean thick (and now having CAT scores to prove it) 3)Having friends from a Guide group where no one goes to her school. 4)simply growing up. Learning not to fuss, refusing to react. Learning to be organised. 5)being a librarian and joining school lunch clubs so she doesn't miss having friends. 6)reading, sounds daft, but once she learnt to read at 11, she hasn't stopped. She also likes audio books and videos of things like Lord of the rings and Twilight. Then she can talk about them even if she found reading them difficult. 7)learning support at school being pretty bad at dyslexia support, but brilliant at the pastoral side. She has a lovely TA she can go and moan at when they all get to much. She knows if anyone was really nasty this lady would believe her. I think this gives her the strength of character to put up with a lot more rubbish than she tells me.

With GCSE choices made some of her peer group seem to be maturing too and suddenly girls names are appearing in her conversation linked to the word nice. It's amazing to hear

Op, you could have been describing Ds. This year, 9 , has just started to improve because everyone is growing up as startail suggests. Also, Ds gas taken up a hobby where there is noone from school, a few young people and mainly adults. He has suddenly made friends ay school and they play electronic games remotely.

Hang on in there. Teach her darts or billiards or watercolouring or scuba diving or bell ringing or car maintenance and keep it quiet from school. Then she will suddenly amaze them.

It's miserable being the,parent as she will vent her frustrations on you.

Startail, thank you for your post, you have given me a glimmer of hope, especially with that last sentence. I have been thinking lately there must be something wrong with my DD, she can walk into the playground and it's like she is invisible, other girls (who I've know to be very unpleasant) can walk in and be mobbed. Then I get angry with myself and tell myself there is nothing wrong with her, she is actually a lovely, kind and thoughtful girl.

DD has recently taken up a grown up hobby like that (next youngest is 17).

It's great because not only is she doing something she's always wanted to, she happens to as good at it as the adult beginners. She says it's hard keeping up the adult chat sometimes, but it's good practice.

If your DD rides can she help with riding for the disabled or a junior pony club.

I used to be a young leader with Brownies and loved it.

Basically anything that let's her learn social skills away from her own peer group. Hopefully she won't feel judged in the way she would doing something with her peers and wouldn't give up anything like as easily.

Huge thank you to everyone that has posted, I shall have a proper read when DS is not climbing over me to press the keys x