Supporting development of good self esteem/salvaging crap attempts at parenting so far

[hmmhmmmm]

I have a 5 year old DS. He's unanimously lauded as a good, compliant, sweet, polite, charming, kind, sensitive child. I am way, way too hard on him, negative, punitive and I sometimes frighten him (he told me I am scary when I shout).

I was parented in this way and I am okish but I know it wasn't right and I know I was scared to talk to my parents because I was fearful of bad reactions. I also grew up much more concerned with what others thought of me than with being honest - I would lie to save face. I'm a self-conscious people pleaser.

I don't want any of that for him. I want him to be confident in himself, assertive, to know he can trust me, to be able to talk to me and to grow up to be a man of integrity. And be happy.

There are no parenting courses here and I'm not sure where or how to start but I want to change and I want to make it right. He's sometimes mournful and I worry that it's because of me.

:(

First of all your gorgeous, sweet son is like that as a result of your parenting and is a credit to you so don't be too hard on yourself. I don't claim to have any answers but maybe it would help if you tell your son some if what you've put here, ie that he can always talk to you and that although you might be cross if he's naughty you will always love him. ( I bet you do this already!) Good luck. X

make a point of lavishing so much love and kisses on him --you know where your ging wrong so just try not to -and hopefully with time your behaviour will change and if you do get angry as we all do -put it behind you and start again -best wishes

I have tried to learn how to parent through courses and books and counselling because my own upbringing was fraught. I have learned a lot from all three, enough to have confidence in my parenting and be able to step back when it's all getting too much. I didn't have this before. But I have had to accept that my upbringing will always be with me and that the negatives of it will surface at times. And when I am feeling doubtful I think of neglected/abused children and then I can see more clearly that there is a lot I am doing right.

Possibly this may work for you, too?

Hi OP, give yourself a break. It sounds like you are doing a fine job so far - look what other people say about your lovely son! Don't get it in to your head that you have to be a perfect parent. You don't. You just have to be good enough. I had an easy upbringing wioth parents who didn't shout etc, but I still shouted at my children, so don't think it is only you or others like you who do it. It doesn't make you a bad parent. And it sounds like you are really keen to do your best for him, which is what we all want. So my practical suggestion to you to increase his self esteem is psoitive reinforcement. For everything, no matter how small and how silly you think it sounds out loud. So things like, 'You ate your breakfast so nicely', 'I love it when you get out of bed as soon as I ask' , 'Oh you do brush your teeth brilliantly' etc . And if you really feel you have gone off the deep end too quickly or too far, then say sorry. That is a great lesson to teach your child.

I found your post quite heart-breaking for some reason. You sound like you are also being way too hard on yourself.

It is not too late to turn it around, it really isn't. Lots of kisses and cuddles are a good start. Even if this is not your natural style, just build up slowly. Squeeze in a kiss after dinner, if he asks for a biscuit, jokily demand a kiss before he gets it etc. etc.

Writing down what your triggers are may help. And then when we know a trigger is on the horizon, you can adapt your response accordingly. Easier said than done, I appreciate that, but it is a start at least.

Write him little simple notes, and leave them in silly places, telling him that you are very proud of your wonderful DS.

I am sure there must be something available in your area, either privately or state-funded. Are you in the UK? If so, I am almost certain you could find something. Might be worth mentioning to your GP next time you visit to see if they can recommend anything.

Good luck

cc

I do the kissing and hugging as much as possible, but it is often a conscious effort. Things fell apart when I was pregnant again (my health was poor and he went through a difficult stage). It's much better now but I still don't think we've got the same connection as we had when he was a baby.

He's also had/has some of his own health issues and I so feel for him, but I haven't got the patience or positivity he deserves. I am manic about getting it right in other ways - nutrition, exercise, rest etc. But I can't seem to change myself and be the calm, objective, patient mum I want to be :(

Thank you for the kind replies. I don't think there is an easy fix.

I was bookmarking from some help. There are some 'obvious' things like:

• Praise every good effort rather than focussing on the bad things/ things done wrong. Tell him specifically what he's good at and really encourage any efforts he makes which you know are hard for him.
• I think the basic ratio should be 1 'bad'/ critical comment for 10 good, positive ones. You just have to force it sometimes but it will become more and more natural.
• Sometimes I snuggle up with ds1 (he is 6 now) at bedtime and we list 10 things he's really good at, and 10 things for me. He really enjoys praising me too. We take it in turns thinking of things for ourselves/ each other.

Be open yourself with him. Obviously not to share anything toooo adult, but sharing about how you felt as a child can really help kids relate to you. I think spending time doing simple things like hanging out washing, or mowing the lawn and raking up the grass. You can 'chat' at times like these.

I know how you feel in that my parents were great, but they were not great at encouragement. I now crave praise from others, and get loads of self esteem from it. I'd love my child to have this, but he seems to have grown up (he's 6) a little insecure himself. It's not surprising since I am insecure and so is his Dad. I just hope he will be better than us. I can't expect complete miracles as some of this may even be genetic. He is really kind, generous and sensitive, so I try and focus on those things too rather than the more worrying things like him being a 'follower' rather than a leader and being easily manipulated, putting himself down when he can't do things etc.

I empathise with your relationship with your dc1 being different after a new baby. Mine was too, though I tried (and probably still do) a lot harder with him after the birth than with the new child (in my case, twins). Of course, he will feel it. I am the elder of 2, so I talk with him about how I always felt like my parents loved my sister more than me.

Don't beat yourself up. Think about the wonderful things you are giving to your child...sounds like you treat yourself the way you don't want to treat him. You need to be more positive with YOU in order to be more positive with him.

PS. The book: How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk has some good ideas in it...and lots of cartoons!

This book is excellent. It is for people in exactly your situation.

It is for you as much as for DS. Really well worth is and available cheaper second hand on Amazon.

Looks great. I have ordered it!

Hope it helps. I'm finding it very ... I don't know ... supporting.