My ds said he will go and live somewhere else and not come back if I don't like him anymore

[rubberglove]

My ds 6 has not been himself for s few days. Moody, agressive, pushing his little sister for no reason - nothing I do is good enough etc.

I have asked him if anything is bothering him at school or at home but he says not (I appreciate at 6 he may be limited in what he can articulate).

This morning it came to a head and we had a fight. I shouted because he pushed his sister over. He said he was going to go and live somewhere else and not come back if I didn't like him anymore

He has never said anything like this before so I am a little shocked and hurt. I know he feels I shout at him more than his sister. In fact he thinks I am 'always' shouting at him.

I will admit I do shout sometimes, but not all the time. Only last week it was his sister getting the rows because she was being difficult. I would hate to think this is because he thinks I love his sister more. It is not true, but she is a lot younger, a toddler, so maybe I subconsciously treat her differently?

I will do anything to put this right. I don't feel it is normal for a child to say this, but then I had an abusive childhood and hated my parents. I have no relationship with them now. I am well aware that this can affect how I react to these situations (I have had counselling).

I adore my ds. He is a wonderful, sensitive and funny wee boy. But sometimes I feel nothing I do is right, he seems to resent me at times.

"I don't feel it is normal for a child to say this"

yes it is. I remember saying it. DD said it. I don't think my boys did but might just have blotted it out

It sounds to me as if a bit of mum/son time is on the cards. Just you and him. Do something you both enjoy but use the time to reassure him that you do love and like him.

My 8yo says/does this. In fact 2 of my girls have "alternative mothers" they draw on when they feel I'm not performing up to the mark. And 8yo occasionally threatens to go and live with her favourite "other mother" - my sister.

So I do think it's normal. But when my 8yo says it I do try and put a bit of effort into making her feel wanted. She does worry that we love her big sisters more (not true at all, if anything I always favoured her, as the youngest, at least when she was tiny).

I said this all the time to my mum all the time and my friends dd who is the same age as your son has said it often, when she gets shouted at.

Agree with Orm, spend some just you and him time together

I agree. Just keep loving him and showing him that you love him. Make sure there's a calm, consistent approach to discipline as much as possible and don't let any resentment/negativity on his part affect you personally (easier said than done, I know!).

I was an extremely jealous older sibling which was the cause of me behaving something like this. All I really wanted was to know that I was loved, even when I was being a pain in the arse.

Thank you so much. You have reassured me a lot. I went to the library and got some Star Wars books for ds, which we can cuddle up and read when dd is in bed. I will make an effort after school.

I think it is because I used to say stuff like this to my parents but I remember meaning it. There was actual resentment, dysfunction and uncertainty in their love.

I am sure I am not like them. I really do love my ds, just because he is him and he is mine. But every now and then I have doubts about how I come across as a mother. I do have a temper, I can shout, I get fed up and irritated with them. But I also get genuine joy and fulfillment from them. I just want to know I am normal and not dysfunctional like my own mother.

I think it is because I used to say stuff like this to my parents but I remember meaning it. There was actual resentment, dysfunction and uncertainty in their love.

My relationship with my parents has never been easy, either. I sympathise because you can't help worrying it will affect your own parenting.

BUT. Remember that you are not your parents and your love doesn't have to reflect those things with your DS. You're the adult and at the moment his behaviour sounds pretty normal... and you get to choose how you deal with it. He is only 6 and while the emotions will be real to him, he certainly won't be analysing them to that extent and all he'll want is reassurance/love/attention/boundaries/a combination of these things.

Can you identify any specific behaviours which made your relationship with your mother dysfunctional? If so, those are the things to avoid. Getting fed up and irritated and even shouting sometimes is completely normal, we're just human. How you deal with that afterwards makes a big difference.

Yes I agree luckysocks. I know that my mother would bear grudges, the stony cold after affects of an argument could go on for days. So I will pick my ds up this afternoon with a smile and try to have fun (have made some biscuit dough and have new books).

If I think about it he has mentioned a few things from school which could be bothering him. His mood might not be about me. And that was my mother - everything was about her.

I also know my mother would never have analysed her behaviour in this way, as I do. She had to be right - always.

I think possibly in that moment he did feel that I didn't like him. Maybe he is jealous of his sister at the moment. She is at the cute toddler stage, when we are out I feel people show her more attention and I want to shout, what about my other baby?!

Thanks I do feel a little better about things now.

My 5yo said a few months back that he was going to leave home and go and live with the next-door neighbours. I casually said "OK, I'll give them a call and let them know you're coming" and started getting a bag ready for him, he looked aghast and quickly changed his mind

my 4yo says to me evrytime he is told off that i am not his best friend anymore and he is going to put me out for the binmen to take away

aren't threats to leave home a childhood requirement? i can remember my sister running away from home when she was about 6. she took a lemon and her toy. she only made it as far as the bottom of the garden.

I love the line in that film (which one was it?!) about the kid who ran away but kept going round in circles because she wasn't allowed to cross the road :)

I think you've made such an important point when you say 'in that moment he did feel...'. That's the thing with kids - their emotions are so impulsive. They might hate us one minute but they'll love us again the next. It's us adults who over-analyse everything and cling onto that hurtful statement long after they've forgotten all about it. It's our behaviour afterwards that can either cause further damage or ensure it's all forgotten.

It's hard work though isn't it, dealing with grumpy kids, especially when they're your own... it's so difficult not to be affected by it.

(PS our families sound quite similar - 'everything is about her' is a phrase I still use about my mother now, and applied in exactly the way you mentioned when we were kids; although my dad is the king of record-breaking stony silences ).