Dear Isobelle,
and once again, I do feel for you at this most difficult stage - the unknown. I remember also that guilt was what really got me. It still does, actually...But I have felt - yes, rather than think - my mum would not have wanted me to be razed to the ground by guilt, never. She was never that type of a person. So I now try to think about the whole thing differently, and perhaps more the way that she may have thought.
I had such a tiny baby on me at the beginning of it that I really could not be there for her as much as I would have wanted. If you can, try going to the doctors with her (of course, if she wants you to). It really depends on her personality, some people may benefit more from it. But sitting in the waiting room with her might help. Also thinking with her about the options (surgery, chemo, radiotherapy, other drugs, etc) may be beneficial. I found Cancer Profilers helpful - those are free online tools where you fill a rather detailed questionnaire (usually the diagnosis sheets are helpful to do it properly) and it gives you the medical protocol most doctors apply to the cancer cases. It might help you, if you are the kind of person who wants to know and be prepared when facing such challenges. I am, but I realise for some people, this is not at all necessary - after all, nowadays most doctors are well trained in communication skills and should be able to both explain, answer questions and even negotiate. I remember also finding it helpful to talk to my mum after her surgery and during her chemo (she did not really have much side effects at the time) about how to help her body cope by healthy eating, and generally healthy ways to live right then and there.
One thing I would do differently now is to pay attention to other problems. Cancers are very often curable. In fact, in her case, it was not the cancer that got her. It was (probably) the long term side effects of her chemotherapy and subsequent medication. I would be much more vigilant also to what the doctors prescribe.She developed cardiovascular problems probably as a result of her cancer drugs (check the side-effects!). I now believe those long term drugs were given unnecessarily. It depends on how old you mum is, what type of cancer she has. My mum was over 70 and the particular type of cancer was slow growing. So it was fairly unlikely she would have developed any new growths. But she was afraid, and some doctors made her fears worse. SHe was eventually on such a ridiculous cocktail of drugs that her body was bound to give up.
Those things of course came up later (3 years or so after her surgery and initial chemo). I don't think I coped very well at the time, and I did not even accept my mum's illness was the reason I did not. I just somehow unhooked that from everything else going on in our lives, when it was in fact related. I think I would have been a better daughter and i would have been a better mum to my son had I accepted that this was a very difficult time for all of us, and had I looked for support and help from outside (support groups perhaps...?)... But it is hard to know. Now, I have been able to cope somewhat better. I have allowed myself the feelings, i have faced my own thoughts of death and shortness of life (whilst looking into the face of my 2year old...) It is a heartbreaking stage of life - yet I think I have emerged from it somehow wiser and stronger. i wish I could have done that without having to lose my mum. I read a lot about people's last stages of life -- I found an excellent book that has only been published recently, by Philip Gould. It gave me a different way to look at death and somehow helped me deal with all those painful fears and loss.
Currently, so many cancers are curable (think of the recent discovery that something as simple as aspirin may diminish fatal outcomes of many cancers by about a third!). It is difficult times, but as long as you are both realistic and at the same time do not lose hope, you can come through it. Oh, there are so many things I would like to say about this and share, but perhaps you have more specific questions rather than reading an endlesspost about my experiences. I'm sorry, this was a ridiculously long post. Please let me know if you want to ask anything more specific, or some particular aspects of coping.
Hugs
M