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Original poster

DD was followed by a man

27 replies

Shakyandtired · 16/05/2012 10:36

I've namechanged, and this is long, sorry.

DD (8) came back from playing outside with her friends and said a man had followed her. Her friends had gone home and she was walking back towards our house when he passed her. Then he changed direction and walked after her. She crossed the road to get her bike from the little road opposite and he crossed over, then when she had got her bike and wheeled it back towards our house he crossed back again. When she came into the house he carried on down the road.

We wrote down a description and called the police to report it. The police came out and drove round a bit then came to the house. they haven't had any other similar reports but said they would be in touch if they needed to.

DD fine doesnt seem particularly bothered. We went over all the normal safety rules. She hasn;t been out to play since, I keep finding excuses to do other things.

its been a few days now and i'm outwardly calm but inside I'm freaking out. I would appreciate any helpful words/advice particularly from anyone who has had anything similar happen before. If possible I would ask that posters could avoid any overly-hysterical responses as I am terrified enough as it is and could do with some talking down. Obviously we are being vigilant but I can't keep her stapled to my side forever can I?

By the way I'm not normally a panic merchant and don't believe in over-protecting kids, its important to their development to be given some independence as they grow up. And the above incident could have an innocent explanation, and even if not entirely innocent it doesnt necessarily mean there is a monstrous child-abducting paedophile now staking out my house. Trouble is my brain is taking me to places I don't want to go and I'm struggling with how to move forward.

On the one hand I think I may be over-reacting and would be happy to be told so. On the other I'm anticipating being told that my lax parenting is to blame, I'm not taking it seriously enough and we should move house!

OP posts:
Octaviapink · 16/05/2012 10:41

It sounds as though your DD handled it very well. Other posters may have other ideas, but one thing my mother always taught me (though I was a bit older - we weren't allowed to walk home by ourselves until age 11 or so) was if you think you're being followed, go and knock on the door of a house and tell the person who answers. Not to go in, but just to have an adult hopefully onside and maybe an opportunity to phone home. I don't know whether you live in a family-type neighbourhood (wouldn't work where we live because it's lots of students) but it may be worth pointing out some houses to her where she could knock on the door if necessary.

bejeezus · 16/05/2012 10:45

what did the police suggest? did they think there was any danger of this man still hanging around? are they going to make a show of their presence in the area for a while? have they spoken to local schools?

I grew up in a village--there was often weirdos hanging about-many tales of me and my friends being followed on numerous occasions...I cant recall any of them ending in anything more than that...

Original poster
Shakyandtired · 16/05/2012 10:46

She knows lots of ouir neighbours but to be honest she's never that far from our house, just in the street outside.

Thats a good tip to remember for when she's a bit older though, thanks. That's assuming I manage to let her out of my sight by then!

I was followed by a man with quite obvious mental difficulties when i was 16 and luckily the boyfriend of a friend I knew lived nearby so I went and knocked on his door. When he came oput the bloke wandered off.

OP posts:
bejeezus · 16/05/2012 10:47

what octavia says also...my dd knows to go to one of the local shops if she is scared (not that she likes to go out on her own anyway..so not issue yet) But can you give your dd places to go if she is worried and not near home

Original poster
Shakyandtired · 16/05/2012 10:50

Bejeezus - yes thats what Ive been trying to tell myself. When we were kids there were always tales of weirdos hanging around (particularly flashers). in fact when i was 12 or so someone did expose themselves to me from an upstaris window and I never told anyone (Blush)

Police didntl suggest anything other than 'try not to worry'. I have been thinking about speaking to the school myself. Just wary of starting some kind of Daily Mail panic, not got much to go on and what exactly is anyone going to do with the information. Keep all the local children indoors? What ages? How long for?

OP posts:
bringbacksideburns · 16/05/2012 10:50

No i don't think you are overeacting at all.

I also adopt the same approach as Octavia. Go to the nearest 'friendly' looking house with a car, window open, light on etc and tell them you are being followed. I still have this in my head, drummed in by mother, when walking alone when it's getting dark.

For now keep her close.

Original poster
Shakyandtired · 16/05/2012 10:53

She's never that far from home by the way. I only let her play on her bike in the street outside. I was just building up to let her go to call for her friend in the neighbouring street but not sure now.

I've just had a call and got to go out for a bit so will be away from this thread for a bit. I will check when I get back, thanks for any reponses.

OP posts:
bejeezus · 16/05/2012 11:11

YY - flashers- 10 a penny! didnt even seem worth mentioning at the time!

I remember on a couple of occasions having assemblies on 'stranger danger' at school. You could tell the head and let them handle as they see fit- doesnt help you right now though;

you need to (puts on rational/detached/unemotional head);

  1. assess what the threat actually is
  2. decide what is appropriate to minimise risk

how can you do that?

I think you should call the police again and tell them how you are feeling- could you talk to a family support person? I bet they would reassure you that e.g. 9.9999999999/10 the man is never seen again and give you x,y,z ideas on how to maximize your dds safety

talk to school? they probably have experienced this before-might have some guidance. Might point you in direction of other people to give advice

decide if you are going to let her play out anymore? Guessing the answer is yes- decide what is comfortable to start with- stay on same street? dont walk alone? she could walk to friends house if necessary and then call you to collect? only go out for preset short time periods?

dont know really- id be tempted to attach my dd to a chain, so i can pull her back in every now and again to check she is still there

Original poster
Shakyandtired · 16/05/2012 13:07

Okay Ive spoken to the police and the woman on the phone was really nice and said exactly what you said. they have reports of this kind of thing reasonably regularly and she has never known of anything more serious happening consequently. Which i kind of knew. She also suggested speaking to my doctor if it continues to bother me (ie panic attacks, trouble sleeping etc.).

I will speak to school I think.

We have various rules which I can tighten up on (like you say get her to 'report' back to me on regular basis, only playing out with other people).

Of course I could impose more draconian measures (ie stop her going out altogether or of course the chain idea (not sure where I could get one long enough!)) but then how long for? A couple of weeks? Six months? The rest of her childhood? And what reason do I give her? Not a good iddea to say "because the nasty man might get you"! She's ok at the moment I don't want to totally terrify her. And she's not daft. She's already unhappy because as a result of this I've decided not to 'extend her territory' to the neighbouring street.If I suddenly stop her from going out altogether she's going to make the connection and maybe decide if anything happens in future its best not to tell me or she'll be 'punished' again. Thats the last thing I want!

OP posts:
totallynaive · 19/05/2012 00:49

Does your DD have friends of her own age in your local street who can accompany her when she's out for a bit?

Secondly, does she have a phone? If she took a photo of the man (if it happened again) she would have accomplished two goals: (1) let him know she's on to him and is not a soft touch; (2) got something for you to pass on to the police if there is a next time.

A bit of a tall order for an 8yo perhaps, but she sounds fairly sensible. If there's time for her to knock on the door of a house that may not even be occupied, there's time for her to take a photo.

NameGotLostInCyberspace · 19/05/2012 11:11

Some tips I remember :
1.Walk towards traffic (harder to be followed by car if they have to reverse).

  1. Cross the road if feeling followed (by walker) to check if they ARE following you.
  2. As suggested, go to the nearest shop/ house for safety.
turnigitonitshead · 19/05/2012 11:19

I would talk with other parents to ensure no one child is ever out alone, so if one child comes home other parents walk or watch other child to front doors. If they arent able due to smaller kids etc.

Not one to advocate mobiles for children but I do think at 8 yrs if you buy a basic PAG mobile to ensure if she is on her own coming home she can call and talk to you enroute. I would make sure it is a cheap phone and ensure it is kept in pocket and not flaunted as that can lead to own risks.

turnigitonitshead · 19/05/2012 11:21

did not finish that mid secentance, if they cant walk kids home can you ask that they give you a bell to let you know their kids are in and dd on way home so you can meet her. At similar age my mum and friends mum used to give eaxch other 4 rings and hang up to let each other know where on way home.

Hairytoe · 19/05/2012 11:29

Yes I'm thinking about getting her a phone. She's only allowed to play out with other children, not on her own. On this occasion she'd gone back out on her own to get her bike as she'd left it behind.

Thanks for all the tips. In way it's been a good opportunity to go over the 'staying safe' subject again with all the children.

Hairytoe · 19/05/2012 11:30

Trouble with the phone is she doesn't always have a pocket to put it in? Not sure where she could keep it.

turnigitonitshead · 19/05/2012 11:49

namechange fail?

turnigitonitshead · 19/05/2012 11:51

you can get those little sadle poches for her bike, but she would need to make sure she keeps it safe.

lovechoc · 19/05/2012 13:55

It may have been a man with learning difficulties and perhaps he thought it a game to play with your DD. It's not the first time you hear of this kind of thing. Try not to let it get to you too much, your DD has come to no harm and see it as a learning curve for everyone. I think safety in numbers is something that is important, so if she's able to be escorted by yourself to a friend's house that would be best until she's older?

Octaviapink · 19/05/2012 17:40

I've been thinking about this for a couple of days and the knock-on-doors approach. I was wondering whether there'd be any mileage in a door-sticker system. Front doors where you know it's safe to knock have a sticker on them. People your parents know, people who've been CRB checked (like childminders and teachers, scout leaders etc), that sort of thing. Anyone think it might be a useful idea? It would need some legwork to set up, of course.

turnigitonitshead · 19/05/2012 17:51

I think a system like this has been set up previously, if I remember correctly they are yellow stickers, maybe able get from the council or something?

Octaviapink · 20/05/2012 06:11

I'll have a chat with my local council - it's something I'd like to do as a CM. I'll report back if I find anything out.

Hairytoe · 21/05/2012 22:05

Whoops yes I knew I'd mess up the namechanging at some point . Oh well no harm done I was feeling a bit raw when I first posted but have calmed down a bit now.

The sticker idea sounds interesting ( more for children who are on their own further away from home though). The only thing that would concern me would be whether it was open to abuse ie someone putting the sticker up for the wrong reason.

zipzap · 22/05/2012 00:58

Could you also tell her if she is in the same situation again then to come back with the others and you'll go together to get her bike/whatever has been left behind.

Ask school to do a stranger danger assembly in the very near future. And do a few simple things with your dd like say if this happens again then to do the road crossing thing that she did but also if she has a bike to jump on it (when on other side of road from man) and pedal away safely but quickly to the nearest safe house she can think of - so if she was going past her friend's house to get home, to stop in there first and get friends mum to call you etc.

I don't think you are over-reacting. I think that it's right that there probably isn't going to be any repeat danger but it's a timely reminder that kids should always be aware of what is going on around them and know what to do if something doesn't feel right. And at least your dd has shown herself to be a very sensible and level headed girl in dealing with this situation so well!

differentnameforthis · 22/05/2012 01:56

Octaviapink

We have a safety house system over here in Australia Often wondered why it ever really started anywhere, tbh.

differentnameforthis · 22/05/2012 02:01

The only thing that would concern me would be whether it was open to abuse ie someone putting the sticker up for the wrong reason

I doubt that would happen, the applicants are very heavily vetted here.