Unknown

[hungrybabyhungrydad]

Hi all,

My partner and I have a lovely little 9 month old daughter. She's learning fast and a real handful, and needs continuous attention an stimulation to keep her occupied.

My partner is on her final months of 12 months maternity leave. I work in a business environment but am fortunate enough to be able to work from home 2-3 days a week, albeit working longer hours when at home. On top of this I have to study for professional exams that take place every 6 months.

My partner had a very very tough birth with intervention, where anaesthetics were not applied correctly. It is still fresh on her mind and means she doesn't sleep well. I'm proud that she breast feeds the little one, and she's an all round super mum. My partner always puts the baby first (except in my issue below), having cut soya, dairy and bread etc. out of her diet so she could continue breast feeding the baby after she was diagnosed as dairy intolerant.

The problem I have is with sleep. Even since before the baby, my other half has always been a long sleeper. Since the baby was born I've been almost permanently the one to be up when the baby wakes between 4 and 6 in the morning, while also waking every time the baby does (between 3 to 6 times per night). I give her breakfast and play with her before work whether I'm at home or in the office, then put her down for her nap at 8am.

I work in a pressured environment all day, and in the evenings either go to the gym or come straight home, and do my allocated chores (hoover and mop, tidying etc.). Generally, as soon as I get home the baby is my responsibility.

I fully appreciate that caring for a baby is a full time job, but it feels like my other half doesn't appreciate that I have a full time job too, along with caring for the baby when she wakes at night and early in the morning. I have 3 final exams next week, and haven't had much more than 4-5 hours sleep per night for the last 9 months.

I ask her to maybe do the early morning shift or wake up at night until my exams are done, but she ignores me because she knows I'm a softie and will get up to tend to me daughter if she's crying. I'm constantly conflicted as I know she's having trouble sleeping and want her to rest, but am pushed to the limit myself.

Long post and If you've made it this far, thanks. Am I being unreasonable? If you want any more info then please ask.

I think you both need to have a good talk and try and understand each others' viewpoints - and to work together on improving your little one's sleep, as if she sleeps better then the problem sort of solves itself. For us, cosleeping for at least part of the night was the answer, and putting our dd to bed later led to later waking in the morning... have you tried reading anything like the 'no cry sleep solution' for ideas? If your partner has stopped breastfeeding your dd at night (not clear from your post) then hunger might possibly be causing some of the waking, all babies are different as to when they stop needing milk at night.

If your partner's sleep is still affected 9 months after the birth she may need more help to come to terms with what happened - has she had any counselling or anything, and does she have friends/family close by to talk to and spend time with? Do you spend quality time relaxing as a family at weekends, and both have the opportunity to do things you want to do?

Ok honestly you need to have a serious chat with your partner.

My DH helped me a lot with night wakings but if he had something important coming up then there's no way I'd let him I without decent sleep.

Have you asked her directly? How long has she not been feeding the baby at night for? Does she just want to leave the baby to cry?

Could she be suffering from depression? Is she still on a restricted diet? I did similar and it messed with me big time - I had to make sure I was getting the right vitamins and minerals (dairy has vit b in it and is a common source for example).

You really need to have a good talk and just explain how the lack of sleep is affecting your wellbeing You're not giving up the shift totally you just need a re charge. I'm sure it's been tough for her too and you're both getting stuck in with parenthood but having a full time job as well is hard to juggle.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/1473868-Father-needs-advice-sharing-the-care-load-overnight

Did you not get the answer you wanted last time?!

I always did the night wakings . My dh has to pay the mortgage an has a stressful job ( aren't all jobs though) and it was vital that he slept . I could catch up in the day . At 9 months she shouldn't be waking so many times as I doubt she needs milk. Can you work on that rather than making her get up if she ' can't . To be honest though I would tell her to get up!

Plus , I wouldn't give dh allocated chores when I'm at home all day . Fwiw I have a very demanding ten month old baby .