What other mums do...

[iwantcake]

I'm really struggling with my DC right now. They are 4.5 and 3yo and don't seem to listen to me at all. I've turned into a shouty mum and I hate it :( I wasn't raised in a shouty house at all and at the end of a shouty day my throat is sore and I feel very very bad about myself.
Everything is a battle. Breakfast, putting on coats, walking from the car to the door, lunch, tidying up toys. They've both started having tantrums where they cry-shout and throw themselves onto the floor, kicking both arms and legs.
I know they're getting it from me tbh. I'm not doing very well emotionally. I lost my Dad recently. We're having money issues and I just constantly feel inadequate. Which isn't helped at all when I shout at my children :(
My own mum and sisters are very supportive but far away. They've suggested that I keep the children busy and maybe that will help me feel better too. They just don't have any suggestions for actual activities. I was hoping mumsnetters could help me out. How do you spend your days with your children?

My 2yr old does pre-school 2 mornings, local music class 1 morning and another pre-schooler play session. So her week is quite structured already. Other things we do are go to library, toy library or park.

My 6yr old is at school but does a dance class after school(we started when she was 3), swimming and an after school football club. Tbh we do too much and will drop something next term. Schools and sure starts often have free activities.

Stuff we do at home and is cheaper than paid activites, is: cooking-muffins are easy, drawing, painting or other crafty stuff, growing seeds, watching a dvd together (6yr old not 2yr old), sharing books, making a den in the garden. Could they help you with laying the table, getting their things ready if you go out etc.?

If you are getting shouty putting some time aside to spend with each child is good. Then they are not having to get negative attention IYSWIM. Easier said than done when you're stressed.

hth

I presume they're both getting at least their nursery funding, if not school for the eldest?

Free childcare is a godsend and can provide essential calming down time (for you :) ).

In fact, when I had two little ones, I had them in childcare for the morning, then home for lunch and then a nap. Meaning most of the day I didn't have to occupy them. It might sound heartless but it saved my sanity.

Sorry that you've been having such a hard time. I agree re keeping them busy, but don't feel that you have to be an all-singing all-dancing Mary Poppins kind of a mum! I try to keep my two out of the house a lot (mainly to limit the opportunity for making a dreadful mess) - park trips, library trips, trips to feed the ducks, walks, scooter / balance bike rides etc. Obviously this doesn't work if the weather is really dreadful, but we try to get out most days unless it's absolutely awful (i.e. we are not deterred by a bit of drizzle!). On very wet days we go puddle jumping in the street oustide, followed by an early bath. We also have about fortnightly "cinema" afternoons (pick a wet day), where we make some popcorn and watch a film (something like the Lion King, or a pixar film) in the living room - they love this, and it's an easy afternoon for me. They like to draw (and paint, but I don't let them do this at home very often!) and do little jobs to help me make the tea - weighing things, washing vegetables etc. They also view helping to clean as quite exciting, and will happily follow me round with their own little dusters for half an hour or so.

I make a sort of mental timetable for each day, so that I know roughly what is coming next... it helps to avoid that aimess frustrated feeling and I think makes them behave a bit better too, as they've always got something to look forward to.

I was getting like this then observed some calmer friends and decided to stop doing everything 'right'. Sometimes toys weren't tidied. Bribes were offered in exchange for coat wearing etc. Lunch is not exactly the perfect balanced meal. It was almost a pick only the essential battles approach. Once you feel more relaxed and happy you can get the little things back on track. I wad too shouty. In the end I think a bit of a slack mum was less damaging in the long run than a scary, horrid mum.

Try the book 1,2,3 Magic as recommended on here in various threads. My DS is only 19mo, and I have only started putting the basics into practice, but the results are encouraging!

Even DH (sceptic!) is starting to use the methods.

We don't (due to age) do the timeouts, but we use it as a tool to help him understand what behaviour is unacceptable - I rarely get to three these days!

Pick your battles; yesterday DS1 wanted to snack all morning, he's a skinny thing so I let him.
Plan your days: like others above we do park/cafe/library/mums and tots. I try to limit tv but do give in

I saw the latest parenting guru on BBC breakfast last week and she was saying that if you want your child to do something then don't ask them when they are playing or concentrating on something else - she gave a long explanation but it did make sense.

dd1 3 and dd2 1. We also go to the park, feed the ducks, toddler groups, meet friends, library, pet shop (free zoo!), indoor play areas. Take a look at your local children's centre they normally have loads on . I have to do one outing a day as it wears them out and keeps me sane

Anything that involves keeping my DD (3) busy and I can have a bit of a social.

So, park with another mum/s, toddler group, soft play, paly dates etc. I gave up doing just child centred things years ago. I have 3, DD (3) is the youngest.

justonemorethread one of the best bits of parenting advice I have read!

"They've both started having tantrums where they cry-shout and throw themselves onto the floor, kicking both arms and legs. "

Have you tried stepping over this pantomime, saying nothing and walking off?

Yes aren't they in nursery 2.5 hours a day during the week? This must add a lot of structure?

Another one agreeing with justonemorethread.

I definitely agree that the more stressed and shouty I get the worse the situation gets - much easier said than done though!

Picking your battles is great advice

I agree with picking battles etc. Having said that, tantrums STILL come, even when they are out of the house most of the day. It is simply children's way of expressing their intense (and often unreasonable) feelings in a world they comprehend only to a degree and in which things are done to and for them. If you show you accept and understand their feelings and let them express those, without feeling you have failed if you cannot avoid/stop tantrums and crying, life becomes a LOT easier....

I would also point out if you feel emotional at the moment (which you would if you have lost your dad recently and have money problems) it is understandable.
You sometimes need to take care of yourself to take care of your children too.

Thank you all for the advice :)
I made the decision to relax yesterday and we've had a much calmer two days. I think me being a bit more laid back has calmed the DC too. Plus we spent as much time as possible in the park :)
I'm going to try the 'cinema' next time its raining.
I'm a bit wary of taking them to the library though. My DC are very loud :(

Iwantcake mine goes down a storm in the library :) she's 2 and very in your face. She spends most of her time there asking the grannies what they are reading and what books they are picking.

Ask a librarian to show you round if they are making noise, she can show you where the books are, what books are new and ours sometimes has a craft out for them to do. Cant get into trouble for talking to the librarian and they will pay attention to her. Our local library loves having children in it and is very kid friendly.

Also, enjoy your lovely smiley noisy kids! X

I asked DS1 (5yo) to take his PJs off this morning for getting a wash before getting his clothes on - I said it 3 times, and then I shouted at him (was getting so fed up repeating myself) I just snapped. Stupid really, as it wasn't even anything major.

Just want to share my story to let you know you're not the only 'shouty mummy' out there. We all have our moments.

Sorry also about your recent bereavement ((hugs))).

When the weather's good, try your best as others have already suggested, getting outdoors with your DC. Fresh air will also help you too. I find it works miracles.

Ah that is good news about your trip outdoors! Tire them out, it pays off at bedtime!! :)