How does a 2yr old know how to punish you?

[whoseideawasthepuppy]

Tonight I got beside myself by bed time and really rather unfairly as the children were behaving quite well. When the inevitable shrieking of "where's my favourite toy" began as I closed the door, I crashed back in and shoved the blasted thing back at her with rather too much force. I think in hindsight I am so desperate to control at least one area of my life I've decided I'm going to enforce it on my children (House sale/ Starting a new business/ new puppy). Such a ridiculous notion, given that the children are the one area you have to go with the flow on.
Anyhow, my DD (nearly 3) decided to respond by punishing me by naming all her cuddly toys and how she loves them and NOT Mummy as she lay down to go to sleep. Given that we teach them everything they know, isn't it sad that I've managed to teach her this. I had to hold my hands up and say I was out of order, so I went back upstairs after consuming a bar of chocolate and apologised to her, told her something I was proud of for that day and how much I loved her.
My mother is fantastic at emotional blackmail and now it appears that I have inherited the gift. How am I going to break the spell, stop getting so inordinately angry at the slightest thing and actual be a good parent rather than an emotional blackmailer.

I'd recommend a book called Reinventing your Life. I'd usually be a bit about self help books but I had a lot of anxiety after ds was born and got refered to a therapist, who recommended it. It has sections on different lifetraps that you learn in childhood and seek to replicate in your own relationships.

Another good one (although a bit dated) is weirdly by John Cleese - Families and How to Survive Them, has some good stuff about getting angry at tiny things all the time.

I also try and apologise which eases the guilt but also more importantly models healthy behaviour. Do you get some de-stressing time - exercise or a hobby or something can help you keep your cool I find. Or the mn classic of pretending you have a documentary film crew following you around when you are about to lose it...

Please don't think your daughter is deliberately punishing you. That's not a good road to go down - she's only 3.

If things are getting out of control, adopt tactics to deal with it. I've got a 2.6 year old and 5 month old and there are certain flash points in the day so I try and have a mental commentary where I'm aware of my feelings and really try and stay calm. You'll know what the hardest times of the day are so be prepared in advance. Get organised at bedtime for example - have favourite toys to hand, PJs ready, milk, get into a "tidy up toys" routine beforehand.

What exactly makes you angry? What things did your mother do that you want to avoid or have done?

I was going to post on a slighly different tack to Iggly: given that she is already nearly 3 years old, I don't think you have to assume that anything she comes up with has been taught by you. At that age, my dd was quite capable of using her own brain to draw her own annoying conclusions and act upon them. This is a conversation dd and I had when she was 2 (and I had clearly managed to get up her nose- cannot remember what I had done wrong):

dd: I don't love you any more, I don't want you for a mummy

me: well, that's a pity, but I still love you and I will always be your mummy

dd: not when I'm grown up

me: yes, even when you're grown up. You may go to live in your own house and you may have a family of your own, but I will still be your mummy and I will still love you

dd (with triumphant calm): no, you'll be dead then

me (muttering under my breath): don't you bank on it, my dear, don't you bank on it...

May I add that dd is now 15 and we have a very good relationship indeed. And that she has never heard me or dh say that we do not love anyone, or seen us withold love as a punishment.

It was not emotional blackmail; it was simply emotional immaturity. She was trying to punish me, no doubt, but not in the dreadful way of somebody old enough to understand what the concept of death and losing a parent means.

"given that she is already nearly 3 years old, I don't think you have to assume that anything she comes up with has been taught by you"

Yes, I agree with this. My daughter's only just turned 2 and she's already coming up with her own stuff rather than simply repeating what I show her. They do get angry and want to retaliate, but their concept of love etc. is not very sophisticated, so when they talk about not loving us they just don't really get what that means. For my daughter it means about as much as when she says she doesn't like sprouts. It's no reason to suppose she has experienced a real withdrawal of my love.

You're not a bad parent but agree kids pick up on your anger and they don't like it so show displeasure. I'm quite good with ds but sometimes shout at the cat which makes me feel shit. I am trying to tell myself, self control, self control and lock myself in bedroom to let off steam :)