preparing a child for the arrival of a sibling - how?!

[Kveta]

DS (2.7) is going to become a big brother in a few weeks time (all being well).

We have read him some age appropriate books ('my new baby', the berenstein bears new baby book, and some others which are about babies/new siblings).

He came with me for a growth scan last week, as I didn't have any child care, so has seen baby sister on the monitor.

He is now going on and on about baby sister being on the computer, and we were telling him yesterday that mummy will go to the hospital to have baby sister, and his grandad ('deda') will be coming over to visit on a plane. (FIL will be flying in just before my due date, and is staying for a week).

Now DS is convinced his sister is arriving by plane

I have got him a wee present from his sister, and he will get her a wee something once I start mat leave.

He has felt her kick (a lot - they are fighting already!!), and is always touching my bump and talking to his baby sister.

Nursery have done some baby stuff, as he is not the only one in his group to be welcoming a sibling this year - so they have been playing with dollies, and talking about babies crying and needing milk etc etc (it helps that one member of staff in his room is due just after me, so he is surrounded by bumps!)

So this seems like a lot of preparation, and I'm hoping it pays off. but the reason I ask, is my parents were laughing at me yesterday, as they said they did nothing to prepare me for the arrival of my sister, and I always resented her (it's true, and I still do to some extent). They just presented me with a new sister one day, and that was that. They keep on and on about how DS will hate his sister and will spend the next 30 years of his life plotting ways to be rid of her, and tormenting her at every opportunity. They think I am being ridiculous, and that all eldest children hate younger siblings, and it's normal.

DH thinks I am massively overthinking it all, but he and his wee brother get on really well, so he doesn't really get the dynamic in my family. and he has no idea what, if anything, his family did to prepare him for the new baby.

So I am just wondering what other people did, and what worked best for you/what was not worth it?

(I have read 'siblings without rivalry', and will re-read it before baby arrives, but anecdotes are more than welcome!!)

It sounds like you are doing the right things, I would try not to over think it too much.

DC1 was obsessed with Thomas the Tank engine so when DC2 was born we gave him a DVD he was desperate for as "a present from his new brother" He always said "thats the one x gave me when he was born" and they are really nice friends now.

I'm watching with interest, we will have a similar age gap to you. I've not read siblings without rivalry, I think I'll go and look for it now! Good luck with the new baby and your DS.

What you're doing sounds good. I was the older sibling who always resented my younger brother (19 month gap) and was so worried about having the same problem with my children.

Our gap is a bit more than yours (3 yrs 10 months) but we talked to DS1 a lot about it and did the whole exchange of presents thing and really they have always been very good friends and great companions most of the time (now aged 8 and 4). DS1 did find it a bit hard at the beginning sometimes ('I don't want you to feed him mummy'!) but simply because I was so much less available. He is very definite that he doesn't any more siblings because babies cry a lot and take up the parents' time, but equally definite that he wouldn't give up his brother for anything.

One of the hardest things at the beginning is never having the time and being utterly exhausted but I found it helped to make sure I devoted at least 15 minutes of one-on-one time to DS1 every day, no matter how tired I was.

Other difficult points were when DS2 got big enough and mobile enough to disturb DS1's games, but you can get round that by putting his games up on a table or whatever, and now we have issues about the fact that we have higher expectations of DS1 in terms of behaviour because he is older - but I think that's just life really!

oh and feeding time was always the hardest - at least one feed would be Cbeebies time and the others I would have DS1 on the other side and read him a story, so that feeding time became something positive for him too.

Babies can be very annoying because for ages they sleep, eat and cry which isn't what the sibling expects. I always let the siblings get involved when they showed interest (fleetingly) so when they asked to help feed I'd give the the special job of gently patting the leg or stroking the hair etc.

When the baby cried I'd always explain that the baby was trying to talk.

I always tell the older children how much the baby loves them and say things like X is so happy to see you.

thanks all :)

I will hopefully still be bfing DS alongside his sister, so at least some feeds will have a welcome distraction for him!

I had heard about getting older child to 'help' if they want to, so will see how that goes.

weta interesting that you are an older sibling who resented the usurper too - my parents are both the youngest in their families, as is my grandmother, who has also started the 'he'll hate her you know, my brother hated me!' thing.

sleepless I like the bit about telling older children how much baby loves them - I think they say something similar in the siblings without rivalry book, will def be trying that.

I was exactly the same as you before the arrival of my DS2 six weeks ago. In hindsight i definitely overthought the whole thing and didnt give my ds1 enough credit with being so adaptable.

Since babys birth my son has been an absolute diamond. He has shown not an ounze of jealousy, he loves cuddling, feeding, burping, helping to prepare bottles, put dummies in.
Thats what i'd recommend to you.. To invole your eldest so he sees his sister as a responsibility.

My son takes pride in caring for his sibling, whenever baby cries he will shout 'mummy baby needs a bot bot!'
Iam so surprised how well he has dealt with it! I still ensure we have our time together (drawing/playing moondough/pretend soliders etc) and i also call the baby 'DS1's baby!'
I dont know why i do this but he does into baby as 'my baby' which is sweet!

Good luck and congratulations. I now truly believe i have given my son the greatest gift possible... a sibling/playmate/opponent/lifelong friend

he does introduce baby

I don't think older siblings all hate their younger ones. There is a 21 month age gap between me and my older sister and she can't remember a time when I wasn't there. I also have a younger brother who is 2 years and 7 months younger than me and I remember going to see him and my mum in hospital. I couldn't eait to cuddle him and even though my mum assures me he screamed for 8 months solid and I used to say "Mummy, the baby is crying AGAIN" I have honestly never resented him and we didn't fight amongst ourselves till we were all teenagers and we are very close now. My children have a 21 month gap between the first 2 and 26 months between 2nd and 3rd. They sometimes fight over toys and books but they don't resent each other and tell each other they love them every day with lots of hugs between the arguing! There won't be a problem unless you start ignoring the older child in favour of the baby all the time.

aww milky that's lovely :)

5 I get on well with my other 2 younger siblings - just the one closest to me in age and I do not get on at all. weird!

and DS will never let us ignore him - it's not in his nature :o

Lovely heartwarming stories here and I have one to add... We have almost the same age difference between DD1 and DD2 - 2 yrs 9 months. Mine still get along famously and they are now 8 and 5. I do think it's because of some of the prep we put in with DD1.

When DD1 first came to see me and DD2 in the hospital (we were there for about 5 days due to emcs), the first time she held her baby sister there were chocolates hidden in the baby's blanket for her. Lindors, if I remember correctly, lucky girl. This made 100% sure that her first experience of her new baby sister was a positive one!! We also did the exchange of presents thing.

I am sure it will go well in your case too OP, and ignore if you can the singularly unhelpful remarks of your wider family.

We did the present thing too :) a few toys (spongebob) that were from the baby and then a little st.christopher pendant with 'big brother' engraved on the back (obviously he'll appericiate this in many years to come- i hope) but think it made him feel like a big boy :)

A friend once told me not to be holding the baby when your eldest visits the hospital/first meeting at home and let my eldest discover the baby himself (only took him an hour lol) to help avoid jealousy and give them a sense of ownership.
Worked like a charm

We also did presents. Also I wasn't holding the baby when the older ones first saw her. My mum was holding DD1 and I think DH held DD2. I was never holding the baby when I collected DS from nursery. He still went 1 day a week and I made sure that DD1 was either in the push chair or in the car seat so I could leave her and focus completely on DS. (After a while, he would push past me to find the baby!)

The other thing was that we never said things like "You must love DD1" or "isn't the baby great". The older ones were allowed to be disappointed by the baby, after all babies aren't the best toys. Any time the baby smiled I would say "oh look, she is smiling at you". Basically made sure that the older ones were the babies favourites for everything, but didn't push the older ones loving the baby.

Another thing that might be good is asking your eldest what they think the baby is saying when they cry. DD1 really enjoyed trying to work out what DD2 was saying. Did you know that one day DD2 was saying that she really wanted to watch Cbeebies and that was why she was crying!

DS is now 5, DD1 is 3 and DD2 is almost 1 and they are all really good friends. Of course they fight and argue, but underneath it all they love each other. DD1 even says that DS is her best friend.