Worried about DD starting nursery - WWYD?

[Tricksterfrickster]

Hi there. DD is 2.2 and is due to start nursery in September. The nursery only takes children at 2.6 so she can't start any sooner. I have been a SAHM with her, but am due to go back to work in the next month. However my partner is due to have our second baby at the end of July (same sex couple in case you were confused!), and the nursery have said they would prefer it if she was potty trained, which at the moment she is very resistant to.

So my worries are really there will be a lot of changes over the next couple of months, particularly with sibling being born and the switching of the SAHM! DD has always been incredibly clingy and won't let people other than friends and family she knows well touch her (even friends who have seen her every week since she was born can't hold her hand or pick her up without her screaming, she won't stay in the room with them if we leave it etc).

I really want to wait until January when she'll be nearer 3, hopefully better with people and adjusted to sibling and potty trained without the pressure of it having to be now. Do you think I'm being PFB or sensible? Some family and friends have said well she will just have to cry and get used to it, but nursery is for her benefit not ours and I want her to enjoy it and be ready! All advice gratefully received (but please be gentle if I'm being precious about it!)

January sounds sensible to me - you really sound as if you don't think she's ready for it, especially if she's very clingy, and as you say that is an awful lot of changes all at the same time. You don't want to have to rush the potty training either, especially with the new baby arriviing.

If it really is only for her benefit that you're doing it, and your partner feels she could cope with both children at home, then I'd definitely wait. As for family and friends, well I think every child is different and you need to try to meet YOUR child's needs as best you can - different if you absolutely had to put her in so you could both work etc, but why push it if you don't need to and she doesn't seem ready?

Definately leave it till January. If your DD isn't showing signs for potty training just yet I would put it on hold till new baby has arrived and everything has settled now. There's no rush for DD to start nursery surly adjusting to the new baby coming is the most important thing right now. Are you feeling pressured by friends and family about your DD starting nursery? There really is no rush.

I think you're putting forward very sensible reasons for waiting until january. You're not bring pfb at all.

I'm a nursery teacher and I would advise you to wait until January. There is absolutely no point in makng your dd miserable and putting her in a situation where you know she will be uncomfortable. You sound like a lovely mummy who knows her child well and recognises the things she struggles with.

Perhaps your partner could increase the number of toddler groups she attends with both children one the baby is born, to give your dd additional opportunities to meet new children and be in new places, from the safety of a secure relationship.

I would also speak to the nursery about possibly attending a few sessions leading up to January when you or your partner could stay with her (like a stay and play session).

I run these regularly and find that they really help children to get used to the nursery environment at a gentle pace.

I agree with the others - if you can wait till January then I would. I don't think you're being PFB about it - nursery can be very tough and it would be too much at once with the new baby and potty training as well I think.

Don't worry about potty training you'll know when it's right. Dd had started to go through tge night but I wont not put the nighttime nappies on due to ds being due, within a couple of weeks of him being here it was clear I was being silly and she has been fine. I guess she was late re potty training. I'm not bothered it worked for us.

Thank you so much for all your lovely replies, Octavia, Weta and Mobly you have reassured me I'm not being over protective in thinking its a lot of changes at once for her to deal with.

Fraggly, I do feel a bit under pressure from certain friends and family who all comment that she isn't at nursery "yet", and one person in particular implies she is clingy etc because I've been a SAHM. However, right from being a teeny baby she screamed the house down if anyone other than me or DW held her, she knew instantly and didn't stop until she was back in our arms! So I'm convinced it's just her personality, and she will become more confident as she gets older (and she is gradually getting better, she used to cry when shop assistants looked at her and said hello, now she sometimes says hello back). I just don't believe (as certain others do) that her going to nursery (which she will find stressful no doubt) will solve this, I think a gentle approach will be better.

Littlefish, thanks for your advice as a nursery teacher, that's really valuable. I think going to toddler groups and continuing to build her confidence is the way to go, thanks for that advice. She isn't keen on playing with other children (apart from her cousins who she is fine with) yet so we can work on this. I hope the nursery will be ok with me deferring her place though!

I will relax about the potty training too and just let her do it in her own time too if I don't need to worry about nursery. Although again certain family members are saying that by now she should be out of nappies as well as at nursery!

i think u need to tell friends and family to back off, not all children are the same and progress at different ages and 3 is old enuf to start if she is ready! there is no point pushin ahead with the potty training if she is not ready cos you'll end up giong back rather than forward! i work in a day nursery and have parents who push for their child to be potty trained even when they are clearly not ready and it takes FAR longer than if they had just waited those few months!
i also have the pushy family members (from hubbies side ) wh think they know all cos they popped a couple out but i just tell them * AM HER MUM AND I KNOW BEST FOR HER* xx

Yes I think you're spot on, I just find it hard to do! I need to start saying it don't I to get the message across that I do know what's best for her. It's so hard when the criticism is aimed at me and things that I am doing that are making DD "worse" (in their eyes of course). I have had to try and justify what I have been doing all along whilst defending her personality! Sorry, going off topic now, this is stuff for a separate thread perhaps! Thanks for your support, it's nice to know others are in the same boat!

If you are in the UK then Nursery cannot insist on a child being potty/toilet trained before starting

Hmm I did think that. Whilst they haven't insisted on her being potty trained they have said most children are, and aside from that DD won't let anyone other than us change her nappy so I imagine it being a nightmare at nursery if she's not a bit more independant before she goes!

Being a SAHM does NOT "make" a child clingy - what a load of evidenceless bollocks your friend spouts!

Your plan sounds very sensible and for what it's worth, if she was in nursery now you'd get "oh she's already in nursery" - you just can't win with some people unless you do exactly what they do.

Thanks Pineapple, it's good to know my instincts that it's just her personality and not to do with me being a SAHM are right. I need to get a thicker skin and formulate some good responses to these comments.

Hi Trickster, just to reinforce what the others have said - my DD sounds very similar to yours, she has always been clingy, used to scream at strangers and won't even be left with my Mum. I have an older DS who is the exact opposite, so i am sure its just her personality. Like yours she is just starting to say hello to some of the shop assistants she sees regularly, but is a long way off being ready for nursery - I think she'll be nearer 3.5 by the time she goes - so in my opinion you are not being PFB, but sensitive and sensible. Oh, and I work full time (DD is looked after by DH and child minder who is my good friend) so has nothing to do with you being a SAHM.

Constantcraving - it's so lovely to hear another mum saying their child is similar in personality and little ways, as my friends have always commented how different she is etc and I don't know anyone who has a child with a similar personality. As she's my first too I have nothing to compare it against. I have got so frustrated (and still do) that at home with me she is There have been times when I've found myself questioning if she was on the spectrum for autism (apologies if I've used incorrect terminology) because she is so anti-social and afraid of people (including other children who she avoids interaction with) apart from family who she sees regularly (a few times a week). Even then there are people she is ok with (only really my Mum to be left with for an hour) and others she is still wary of despite spending time with them.

Sorry, hit post accidentally. That should say I feel frustrated that she's happy, funny, confident, speaks really well etc at home and then is like a different child when we're out. I do take her to toddler groups and will carry on doing this to try and encourage her to develop socially.
Fuckwittery (great name!) I did think pull ups would be a good option, but at the moment other people touching her at all results in her screaming and fighting them off, so I can't imagine how that would work at nursery. I do feel she has to be more independent before she goes with this, it's encouraging that you cracked it so easily just by waiting, which is what I'll do as I don't feel under pressure if she's not starting nursery. Thanks for your supportive comments, I'm really grateful for all the support on here.

My DD and yours sound like they were seperated at birth!! She is my 2nd child but the age gap is so huge she's like an only - DS is 23! I've also questioned autism as she is so anti-social and also very set in her routines . However, she is really loving and playful with us, has good eye contact, can do imaginative play etc - so i don't think its that. She's just naturally cautious, reserved and thoughtful and I decided a while ago that i was going to go at her pace rather than what others thought she should be doing. I agree it's hard when everyone has an opinion on your parenting and although i think I'm doing the right thing i still wobble - hence jumping on your thread, relieved to know she's not the only one!

Oh - and she's not potty trained yet either!

Wow, they do sound alike! DD is also good at imaginative play (putting on voices for her toys to talk back to her which is particularly cute) and has good eye contact, which seemed to rule her out of the autistic spectrum from my googling. It sounds like we have been worrying about the same issues though, how nice to find someone similar! I will also try to go at her pace now and ignore those comments. I do feel a bit isolated at the moment as I have avoided meeting friends when they have suggested it recently, as they sit there drinking tea whilst their DC's wonder off/entertain themselves/play with each other, where as DD clings to me or demands I play with her whilst avoiding all other children and getting stressed by them. It made me feel so "different" and I got frustrated with DD on a few occasions, when really she can't help it when that's how she's made! So whilst I feel isolated I feel happier too that I'm not comparing DD to others, but it's still not ideal! Thanks for your posts though, so reassuring.

Sounds exactly like my dd1 as well. She used to scream if strangers tried to talk to her or touch her and absolutely would not have coped with anyone apart from dh, me or my mum changing her nappy. Has been like it from a tiny baby as well.

We started her at nursery when she was 2.9 and for the first term she just did 2 hours twice a week. We were so nervous about how she would cope but she's really surprised us and settled brilliantly. To start with i think she pretty much kept to herself, but has enjoyed it and gone in happily from day 1. She's now 3.5 and is starting to make some friends and build up a bit more if a relationship with the staff.

I think waiting until she was ready and starting her off very slowly and gently has worked really well for her and it has been wonderful seeing how much more confident she has become socially over the last few months.

I think you know your child best and that's a good enough reason not to start nursery till January if that wouldn't work for her.

Also I think it's worth saying that my son who has gone to nursery since 9 months old (I had to work) is still intensely clingy to both his parents when not there. Yes, he is happy at nursery - he's now 21 months - but whenever with us, no-one else will do. So this idea that some people have that going to nursery makes children magically "independent" hasn't been true for us. He has increased his circle of trust to nursery staff but still isn't keen on anyone outside that small circle.

So even kids who do go to nursery can be very clingy if that's just what they happen to need at that age. I myself was an incredibly clingy child and yet am a very outgoing independent adult.

So do what you think is best!

She sounds like my DS1. I kept on deferring nursery - he wasn't ready, did the whole screaming at strangers thing, was very clingy and didn't speak at all to adults he didn't know. He underwent a sort of personality change between 3 and 3.6 and finally went to nursery at 3.7. He has turned into such a confident, sociable little boy (other people now get to see what we have always seen at home), chats away to people we meet and most importantly loves nursery.

I would try to keep her at home until she is ready - I think a few bad experiences of being left with other people (unavoidably - due to my pregnancy related, and subsequently sibling illness - and we're talking family members looking after him for a few days, not complete strangers) really set my DS back in terms of his confidence - I know this is not the same as sending her to nursery for a few hours, but I what I have taken from it is that my sensitive DS does not respond well to being pushed.

January sounds much more sensible.

Most children don't start nursery until the term after they are 3 anyway, and most 2.5 year olds aren't potty trained.