'It's woken up' - PLEASE tell me how to get 3yo to accept new baby

[ProjectGainsborough]

Feeling pretty desperate. DS1 (2.10yo) has just thrown a bottle of milk at DD's (2.2mo) head.

I am exhausted. I feel like I'm spinning plates trying to satisfy his understandable but incredibly wearing clinginess and keeping him from attacking the baby (eg poking her as she sleeps and then telling me 'it's woken up'. I've tried ignoring it (Dr Christopher Green), encouraging him to direct his feelings into play (Playful Parenting) and good old fashioned shouting (My Mum ) with minimal success.

I think it might be my fault - I have problems dealing with anger and aggression (both my own and other peoples') as my father was violent, so seeing my lovely DS turn into this little factory of malicious deeds has been quite disturbing for me ... I wonder whether I should have taken it all in my stride a little more when it first started to happen.

What can I do to sort this out?

I have a similar age between my two. Same sexes also. This stage is pretty hard because the baby is not very exciting. Once she starts to roll over and crawl they will hopefully get along better. My ds looked forward to teaching dd to walk and talk and got frustrated when she just lay there smiling! Now they are 6 and 8 they are amazing partners in crime friends.

I also used to make 3 year old run to the park, about a mile each way, most mornings so he would keep his morning nap until he was about 3 and I could cope again...

And definitely have special time for him and some stuff that only he can do because he's big enough, that stopped mine wanting to pretend to be a baby again!

It's partly his age, he's not an age where they hide their feelings .

Make a fuss, give him autonomy, encourage him to do things that baby will find funny & smile at. I would Role play with him where he's the baby if he likes, make it into a funny game.

And keep him away from angry/violent people.

Hashtag that's funny - we play a game where DS has to run from one end of the garden to another, over and over ... anything to keep the daytime nap going.

ragged - yes, we now have minimal contact with my dad. In fact DS has only met him once and DD not at all. Will try the role play, that's a good idea. He does get a kick out of being the little helper, too so will try more of that.

Have you tried the 'she only smiles at you cos you're her favourite' bit? Mine all thought their baby was the best thing in the world cos they only smiled for them, only wanted cuddles with them etc.

I have two DDs 3.1 years apart, and I know the spinning plate feeling all too well!

One thing I did (and still try to) is if someone started cooing over DD2 and asked her age, I told them DD1's first. Definitely try what Almostfifty suggests. Also, if you can stand it, don't say no to all baby-like requests. DD1 wanted baby beakers again for a bit, and wanted us pretend to change her nappy (she was long dry by the time DD2 came along).

They are now 4.7 and 18mo and genuinely do seem to love each other: even when I try to do stuff with them each alone, they pine for one another!

I feel your pain . I have a similar age gap, same genders, a few months along from you (baby is 6mo now).

This may be nonsense and not relevant to you, but one thing that took me a while to realise was that DS was really figuring out what this baby thing was all about and not really being malicious (mostly). He has now figured out that the baby is getting bigger and will one day be old enough to play with. The problem is that he wants to play with her RIGHT NOW. So he throws things at her head (fortunately soft toys for the most part) because he was having a go at playing catch (I realised eventually...) with her. After a stern talking to, he has now worked out that if he wants her to hold onto something he needs to put it gently in her hands, not lob it at her head...... He gets an automatic time out if he hits her or hits her with something, whether deliberate or not and even if it was meant affectionately, or if she doesn't mind (annoyingly, she's often grinning away, but given that it's a fine line between ok rough play and her getting hurt, I feel this is the best way of getting the message across). He gets lots and lots of praise for being affectionate of course and the 'look she's smiling at you, see if you can make her laugh - oh she loves you!' type stuff. I'm not sure that the time outs are having a really positive impact at the moment though but I'm not sure what other options there are for this kind of behaviour.

I've also set up the travel cot, as a playpen / safety cage for her. Her playmat sits inside it now, so that if I need to put her down and do a job when he's around she can be safe out of his way for a bit. If I can pay closer attention then she'll just be on the floor with us. I wish we'd done this a bit sooner tbh.

Thanks all for the responses. Lots to think about/try. We had quite a few attacks yesterday (and they are deliberate and when I analyse it, jealousy-related as he settles down when DH arrives and I can give DD to him). BUT he got a real kick out of 'reading' DD a bedtime story and even gave her a v gentle kiss and cuddle. So yes, getting him to 'performm' for her was a good idea.

Wizzy - I've almost stopped timeouts altogether as they don't seem to be working. It's like he feeds off the negative attention. But then what is your recourse in times of trouble??

my DS1 stopped trying to jump on the baby when i let him "care" for him: sitting baby in between his legs on the sofa, wiping his (already clean) bottom when i changed his nappy, reading stories, washing the baby in the bath, putting his socks on etc... and showing him how to be gentle with the aby generally..

good luck!! they'll grow close together and in a few months they'll play together happilly!

I agree with tostaky, I got my two older DD's to interact a lot with their baby sister, lots of getting nappies, giving kisses and hugs, giving bottles etc to show him how to act around a baby. Also have you tried giving him a toy baby (could be a boy baby) that he can practise himself, anything to include him so he doesn't feel left out at baby time.

DS1 was 3.3yo when DS2 arrived and when DS2 was crying (a few days old) DS1 said 'stop crying, put him in the bucket!' So no, they don't hide their feelings too well ;)

They don't really play together until the youngest is around 2yo, tbh. There's not much going on until this age. Once they're running around together you can relax a bit more, they'll have more in common.

A younger sibling crying, or even crawling around isn't really that exciting for the older one. They cannot properly play together, but time goes fast and before you know it they'll be playing nicely together.

Meant to add, that at 3yo your DS doesn't know anything about malice. It's all innocent play to him with his younger sibling.

I have seen with the interaction of the children of relatives and friends with our baby, that older children can often enjoy looking after and entertaining a baby as they understand it has needs of his/her own, but younger children (under 5) are by nature self centred and therefore want to be entertained BY the baby. They often can't understand that the baby is not able to play with them till she/he's older and just needs looking after. Poking the baby awake in order for baby to entertain the child (to "play" with them) is a classic! It's not done out of spite, but because they have little understanding of the baby's need to sleep and of how the baby may or may not interact with them. I agree with others that allowing your child to help care for the baby in whatever form that takes, whether it's choosing outfits, toys or books, or "helping" with bathing the baby may be useful, but it will be much easier for them to bond once the baby is old enough to be more interactive.

I find that talking to the baby saying 'now dd, you've had lots of milk, now it's time to read ds a story. He's been very patient' and loads of 'I'm getting ds a biscuit. You can't have a biscuit because you're too small' - really helps. And any smiling is 'look, she likes you!' to ds.
Ds is fascinated by nappy changes, probably because he can remember nappies himself, and also he can hold dd's hand. He often asks what dd is saying so I say stuff like 'CBeebies? What's that? I'm a little baby, I don't know anything' or 'I wish I could have icecream.' - though claiming she's saying ds should put trousers on is met with 'You're very silly, mummy!'

I have to admit that I often deal with dd by getting ds to watch telly for a bit while I do stuff, but I think that's fine for a couple programmes a day.

My approach would be to give them space from each other. Pretend that the baby isn't there when you speak to your older one. There is really no hurry for them to connect. try never to leave them alone together. I know this is hard, but once you get into the habit it will be easier. I also think the baby crying can be a very stressfull noise for young children. Babies are terrifying for most adults, so for kids they must be totally weird creatures.

I have 3 and have never pushed their relationships with each other. My DD2 has pretty much ignored and been quite jealous of DD3. DD3 is a year old now and can finally see the seeds or a relationship between them.

Not wanting to add to your reading list but I found 'siblings without rivalry' really helpful, by Faber, mazlish and Coe. It's the 'how to talk so kids wil listen' team.
And, it's really easy to see your ds as a bigger boy than he is when you have a tiny baby, and to expect/ attribute more maturity than he's got. He's very little still.

DD used to hit DS over the head with books, toys etc etc when he was a tiny baby and she was 2.7. Just tell him off, try to spend a bit of time with him on his own (hard I know) and get out and about as much as possible to stop yourself from going mad.

It is normal and it will pass. My two have been best mates since DS was able to walk at 8 months (they are 7 and 5 now). They do fight still now of course but it is easier to roll your eyes and ignore when they are attacking each other and neither is defenceless

Oh and get this book

Good luck :)

DS1 is 2.6 and DS2 is 4 months. DS1's absolute favourite activity is bathing DS2 and it's been great for bonding - lots of eye contact, physical touch (I let him loose with the shampoo) and positive appreciation of how clever/gentle DS1 is. Would recommend.

Thanks all for the advice. And for the book recommendations (as you can tell, I like my books!)

Things have been a bit easier, probably because my mum is staying with us, so have had a bit more one-on-one timeto devote to him.

Although we did try giving him a plastic baby to look after, sadly he threw it on the floor and smashed its little plastic head off.

Still, that aside, I think we're on an upward trend. Definitely having success with giving him responsibility around the baby. He spent time today stroking her head, and telling her 'don't cry DD, no more tears', Which is quite sweet.