older child telling the toddler off

[ancienthistrionics]

I'm struggling with this. We have DS who is 2.8 and a 14 year old. The toddler is obviously up to all sorts of tricks. I'm generally just saying no, and trying to distract him. He understands very well but does not talk yet.

The 14 year old loves playing with him and they're very close, but the play is a bit hectic, lots of screaming around and inevitably ends with him shouting NO THAT'S NAUGHTY quite loudly and sometimes even telling him he's going to sit him on the naughty step. I don't use the naughty step although I do sometimes take him to another room to calm down.

If I tell him (he's not actually our DS but has been with us for 2 years and will stay with us now) he gets quite angry and says I 'just let him get away with everything'. I want them to play together I just want him to leave the parenting to me.

How do others deal with this issue?

I meant to say, generally their play gets a bit rough, play fighting type thing, then DS gets overexcited and hits him resulting in the teen telling him off.

I think the teen should be allowed to tell him off but maybe needs coaching in how you want him to do it?

Unless your toddler seems distressed or upset, I wouldn't get too much on DS's case beyond an instruction to 'play nicely'.

In my house that's an absolute 'NO'. Children (even a 14 yr old) do not discipline other children under any circumstances. Come and get me if necessary, but that's all.

It is a difficult situation. The teenager probably, and rightly so, feels he is in a slight 'parenting' role, ie it is not just play but that he is also responsible for the child. I agree that it would be better for you to explain to him what can reasonably be expected from a 2 year old and the best way to deal with it.

Understandably the teenager does not like being hit and can't understand why it is ok for someone, however small, to hit him. To be fair at 2 years old I would be doing more than saying no and distracting. I would intervene and explain that it isn't nice to hit. I would also be explaining to the teenager that getting a two year old overexcited is bound to lead to this kind of behaviour and maybe he should be doing something like playing football with him if they both want to be doing something active and energetic.

I am speaking from the standpoint of being the older sister (by 12 years) of a younger sibling. I was often asked to look after him but then told that I wasn't his parent and couldn't tell him off - not any more practical than the parent themselves never telling their own children off imo. But it does need to be handled carefully as at 14 years old he probably has a similar view of 'telling off' to that which I had, ie as directed at me as a 14 year old and not age appropriate for a 2 year old.

I think that within limits it OK for the teen to parent the two year old. Why should a 14 year old put up with being hit? It sounds like you have a lovely teen who is prepared to play with two year old. If you are too negative towards him then he will refuse to play with your son. You need to discuss strageries with him so that you present a united front as a family.

If you want to discipline your two year old then you need to keep a closer eye on him and intervene when you see your ds misbehaving. You need to intervene when your ds is getting overly hyper so that these situations don't occur.

This is tricky when you have a big age gap. And even trickier when you don't parent the older one. My dd sometimes says "But that's what you did to me!" and I can say "I know, and I was wrong, and I hope you don't do that to your children"(!)
i do try to make the differentiation quite clear- I say to dd that "ds needs a big sister- he doesn't need another mum" and she normally gets that. But you do need to talk about it.

Not much help, am I? Sorry!

Thanks, interesting opinions.

I suppose I started out with Blooocow's attitude, that DP and I do the telling off, but I do agree that there has to be some leeway as the boys spend so much time together. They hang out in DN's room (on another floor) for hours.

seeker, I like that, I can say DS needs a brother not another parent, as he loves to think of DS as his brother rather than cousin.

Also doesn't help that since we got DN two years ago I have only told him off once - continuously without a break .

My DB2 is 10 years younger than me. We get on very well now, but he does say that at times having 2 much older siblings was more like having 4 parents. That said, he would generally come to me to get him out of trouble, so it did cut both ways...

With my DC (4 year gap) I very firmly take the "you are not the parent" line with DC1, but that's much harder with such a big gap. Maybe you need to explicitly set limits - like "it's OK to remind him of the rules, but if he keeps doing it you need to come and tell me instead of trying to deal with it yourself". I think you need to be quite precise about what is and isn't OK and not expect him to exercise too much judgement - otherwise he will judge on the way he was parented, which I am guessing may well not be the way you want your DS brought up.

I too would try the emotional blackmail line - that if he tells DS off all the time, DS will come to see him as just another grown up, rather than as his big bro...