Really struggling again. My 4 year old constantly tries to push me around.

[StarsAreShining]

I've posted before about my problems. I'll try to keep this short. I'm a single parent who has had mental health difficulties for the past seven years. I sought help for these problems this year. I'm now on the maximum dosage of anti-depressants and don't feel ok. The tablets were originally life changing and, admittedly, they have stopped all of my anxiety, but I now feel as though my life is out of control and I just can't cope.

I'm really looking for some help on how to deal with my 4 year old son. He was always incredibly well behaved and polite - a joy to be around. Since starting nursery, he has changed. Everything I do and say is a problem. I'm totally exhausted by life and don't have the energy to battle with him over every little thing we do. I keep falling asleep during the day because I'm so worn out and run down. We currently have a reward system in place for good behaviour, which he likes, but doesn't really seem to influence his decisions on behaviour. He has stopped hitting me now, but I'm constantly being shouted and and spoken to like crap. He is very bright and knows that this is wrong. I'll give an example of our day:

He comes into my bedroom at around 7 and gets into my bed. I have tried getting up first but the fact that I changed things sets off a tantrum. This used to be a time for hugs and waking up, but now he comes in and starts demanding things. He doesn't ask if we can go downstairs - he whinges and complains and starts to kick the blanket off me as though I've said no. It's so unnecessary. Then, if I go to the toilet, it's a problem cos it's 'boring'. If I ask him to take off his pull-up, it's a problem. If I try to make him tell me what he wants for breakfast, it's a problem. If I don't allow TV (which I usually don't on weekdays), it's a problem. If we play a game, he intentionally disrupts things and tries to annoy me. If we read, he spends a lot of the time fidgeting and 'accidentally' hurting me by pushing his toes into me. Going to nursery is a problem. Coming back from nursery is a problem. Talking to me is a problem. If I say 'let's take our shoes off' when we get through the door, it's a problem. Going on a day out is a problem. Putting on a dvd is a problem. The only thing he wants to do is sit in front of the TV all day. I'm totally exhausted by this constant bad attitude.

He has real difficulties playing alone. He is quite a lazy child, and I don't know whether he just isn't interested in it or is too lazy to do it. I've been trying very hard for years to encourage this and help him learn how to do it, but it just doesn't happen. He'll just sit around moaning about how bored he is. I've tried so many different things but it always ends with a tantrum if I try to leave him to play without me. When we do play, he just sits there and expects me to create fun for him. I'm not good at it and he basically expects me to keep him constantly entertained. I've posted about this before and often heard people say that he will play alone if I just leave him to it or encourage it. It's simply not true. I don't enjoy spending time with him anymore because he's always horrible to me, never seems to be happy and I'm just so tired now.

Other things at play are the fact that I have to give him nightly injections for a medical condition, obviously have my own problems and his dad is useless. I'm trying to get my own life back on track and finally sort out my house. There are rooms which have been unuseable for the past 3 years. I've achieved a lot, but it's just never ending. I do have a boyfriend who is absolutely brilliant, though. The most kind and caring person I've ever met. Luckily, he really enjoys playing with my son, but he has also mentioned that my son will never do anything alone. He won't even go into his bedroom. He sort of follows me around whinging at me. I sometimes have to leave the room cos I feel like I can't breathe.

Just feel as though I have absolutely nothing under control and am almost becoming resigned to the fact that my son is going to treat me with total disrespect and constantly try to tell me off for not doing what he wants me to. I even sat down and drew up some house rules with him. So we came up with ideas for the kinds of good behaviour we like to see in our home. God, I feel as though I've tried everything and it works for an hour or so but then it's back to normal. Another favourite of his is to scream and shout and get angry about things, but then realise that I don't reward that kind of behaviour, so he'll shout sorry at me in a very aggressive way to try to get what he wants. I try to stay calm and firm and don't really shout at him as it gets me nowhere, but no matter how I approach things, as soon as I speak I'm confronted with anger and aggression.

I have spoken to his nursery teachers about this, who were very surprised. They did tell me that they'd contact the school's behavioural person, but didn't know whether they'd really be able to help because the person usually becomes involved when there are behavioural problems at school rather than
at home. He's fine at nursery. Has no problem playing alone or imaginatively when he's with other children. There's no problem with his intellectual development. I feel as though he's always bored with me and wants me to constantly be doing stuff, but I'm so tired! I don't have many friends and we rarely have visitors to the house. He doesn't seem to view this house as his home and always wants to know what he's doing that day. I'll tell him and then I'll get 'and what after that? and what after that? and what after that?' and he'll continue it to see what he's doing for the entire week. If he stays at home for tea rather than going to see grandparents etc, he asks what he's doing after that as he doesn't seem to realise that this is where he lives and that most people are happy to be in their home doing their own thing. But he doesn't do things. He doesn't entertain himself. I don't enjoy spending time with him anymore and I don't want to feel that way about him. I feel like I need a break from my life.

Any ideas would be much appreciated.

I think you need to rethink your 'stay calm and firm' strategy and scale it up. Fewer rewards and more consequences. Lose your temper occasionally. The difference between you and the teachers at school is that they are more intimidating in his eyes because they are in a position of authority. He doesn't try it on with them because he's worried about the reaction. With you, by contrast, he does not worry about that.

Tantrums and whining make anyone feel stressed so you have to remove him before you get to that point. If he starts stamping around in the morning, for example, tell him that you've had enough, put him in his room, shut the door, relax with a and leave him there until he apologises. If he asks what he's doing next, 'nothing' is a reasonable answer. Assuming he has toys and books to amuse him, point him in that direction. If he has a tantrum about not being entertained... again... remove him from your environment, place him where you can't see or hear the tantrum, and go have a in peace and quiet.

If he is as bright as you say, he will quickly work out that his day is very boring indeed if he spends most of it sat in a room doing nothing. Obviously, if he behaves in a kind, cooperative, pleasant manner, you give him lots of attention.

Good luck

Just a thought but have you asked him the actual question, 'Why are you behaving like this when we end up having a miserable day?' etc etc whatever you feel is most pertinent?

My DD (also 4) was behaving in a very similar way, more sporadic but equally exhausting and one day I just asked her what the matter was and being bright as your son is was able to answer me and from that point with me being able to reassure her etc things have definitely improved and the bad behaviour tends only to happen when she is tired.

I tried sending her to her room too but as there was an underlying problem that was making her unhappy this more than likely had the effect of reinforcing her unhappiness and making her feel even more alienated.

I'm very sorry to read about your sad stage of life. I cannot fully relate as I have never had it that bad, yet there is something in your description that reminds me of my son rather recently (he is 5) - in fact, things were very bad when he was about 4, and I just felt I cannot handle him, that I am as out of control as is he. Mornings were often the battling moments, somehow it seemed he jsut always got up in a bad mood and would then take it out on me. I did not think things can get better at all as I had asked for help from various forums and had read heaps of parenting books (anything child-friendly, however, I am not the cry-it-out kind of a person, and toddler taming talks make me flinch). To me, the tantruming and crying, whining and talking back were just impossible to deal with, we would just get to a standstill, I would yell at him, and nothing got better.

So in that sense, I needed to find something that would address exactly those things that irritated me the most. I have found the solution for myself in the books of Aletha Solter, because she suggests not to take those as problems at all - rather, they are opportunities to connect to your child. When your son acts out like this it is almost like he has stepped out of the pages of the book "TEars and tantrums". It is obvious that he has some very serious issues to deal with - and you can help him by accepting that he needs to release those feelings in your presence. He DOES have a lot to deal with - a mummy he loves but who is feeling unwell, separation from his dad (I am guessing the separation has taken place when he was aware of it which of course might not be right), he senses you expect him to act differently and that you are not very happy with the way he seems to respond etc. There might be more 4 year old worries. The fact is, from your description one can see an unhappy child who is trying to cope with difficult topics but does not know how. The way you can help is by accepting he needs to show his emotions - by raging, and hopefully, by crying. Raging often leads to crying, which is a healthy way to release emotion, provided you a) stay with him, maybe stroke or hug him if you can b) show and tell him you understand and accept he is sad or angry and needs to work through his feelings.

Since I have started doing this, I have, first of all, been able to face tantrums, whines and cries without getting all worked up. Previously I found them very taxing partly because I felt helpless to stop them. I know now it is not my responsibility to respond to that particular demand (e.g. YOU must play with me!) - my responsibility is to let him work through his emotions and perhaps reflect back to him what he seems to do (some books by Thomas Gordon might be helpful for you to learn how to do this). ALl this is such a relief for me - I no longer try to fix things for him, for instance when he demands me to play with him I tell him that I cannot (need to do something else or am not in the mood) - and stick with it without getting angry but accepting that this upsets him. When he tries to hit me or otherwise push physically against me, this is a clear sign he needs to release his feelings. Then I hold him in a bearhug, sometimes this makes him more upset and he struggles, but sometimes he just melts in my arms and cries (cries it out, but in a positive, rather than the lonely way CIO method suggests). WHen I started with this approach, he struggled more against me. Now, about 3 months later, his struggle and show of anger seems to very quickly become the desire to cuddle with me and let his emotions out on my lap. THinking of tantrums as a call for help allows me to stay calm and caring and supportive, rather than increasingly worked up and suffocating me with the feelings of failure.

Sorry, this was a long post. Perhaps it is more useful to look up Solter's books or go to the website for Aware Parenting which summarises many points. I have to say that this was where i first happened to stumble across this approach but this did not do the trick for me, just seemed a bit weird. The books (especially Tears and tantrums) convey the message much more clearly and helpfully, at least for someone as thick as me.

Take care of yourself :)

awesome post, Mayamama

Oh, btw, there are many tips in how to help your son cope with any worries or issues he has also by playing - both in Solter's "How to help young children flourish" and a book titled "Playful parenting". So it does not need to be all about crying and showing emotion in this way but can also be at least partly done with laughter and play.

"Playful parenting" is by Lawrence COhen....Sorry, too rushed... :(