How to support DD (11) as I divorce?

[FreckledLeopard]

DH and I are on the route to divorce. We're separated (under same roof at present owing to finances mostly), will be divorcing and DH and DSS will be moving out of the house in the next few months.

DH is not DD's father. She has never had contact with her biological father since I found out I was pregnant with her and he walked away and has had nothing to do with us since. I met DH when DD was 8, they have a pretty good relationship, he's the closest thing to a father that DD has ever had and now we're divorcing.

Lots of reasons for divorce, primary one being my inability to cope with DSS's autism and my husband's refusal to do anything to deal with the autism and to refuse to acknowledge its impact on us all. We've tried counselling, endless talking and arguing and there is no solution other than to go our separate ways (with DD being able to see her step-father and step-brother whenever she wishes).

DD is distraught. Sobbing for hours last night (as was I for the most part). Begging us to try again. She's been aware of the rocky situation and frankly, the decision to divorce isn't one that's taking many people by surprise who are aware of the issues and the difficulties. But the absolute sadness, the guilt I am feeling for putting her through this, my own feelings of sorrow and pain - it's hideous.

DD has SATS next week. She seems ok at school and with her friends. It's when she's at home in the evenings that everything gets overwhelming. The school are aware of what's happening. I'm trying to make the split as amicable as possible and keep as much the same for DD as possible. I just don't know what to do.

She doesn't want to see a counsellor or therapist. Is angry, with me and the situation. Everything of course is compounded by the fact she wants to contact her biological father (who is on facebook - photos of him with his wife and toddler daughter for all to see - god he's such an arsehole).

I am trying to keep everything together but feel like I can't cope. How can I help DD? I feel totally inadequate.

Your daughter, like most children, is only seeing this from her point of view & how it affects her. Have you asked her what she's most concerned about. You may find it's the prospect of moving house that is upsetting her most. Stranger things have happened.

You have to acknowledge her concerns, of course, but at the same time impress upon her that the effect on you and DH of staying together is very damaging and making you very unhappy. Keep it as straightforward as you can, emphasise the positive aspects (like still seeing each other) and always present it to DD as a pair so that she can see you are both set on a particular course. Once she realises she can't change your minds, she'll probably accept it.

I've reassured her that we will stay in the house (which is the plan - DH is moving). She will be at the same school, have the same friends. The main upset from what I can glean is the fact that all she's wanted is a 'normal' family - a mother, father, siblings and the picket fence. Whilst it's hardly an accurate description of our current circumstances, I suppose it's close enough that the change going back to being a single parent family is so upsetting for her.

I don't know if I should let her cry for hours, or try and say enough is enough, or distract, or talk about it, or shut up about it. Also have the joys of raging hormones as puberty is kicking in, which makes it even harder.

I guess time will help - just so scared of her going off the rails or something as a result.

I think there will come an 'enough is enough' moment. There's a fine line between 'being upset' and 'working yourself up into a froth enjoying the drama of being upset' when you're 11. In the meantime, I suppose all you can do is keep talling, approach the future cheerfully and behave as normally as possible.

Thank you! Doesn't help of course that DD is a drama queen, wonderful actress and can produce scenes better suited to Hollywood movies....

There you go then. She's just doing research for her first starring role.... :) I have an 11yo DS myself who needs far less than the prospect of a divorce to fling himself face-down on beds, sob lavishly and declare his life is over.... 'Creating' my gran would have called it. That's the point where I look sideways at his Dad, arms folded and think he doesn't get it from me

I'm sure she'll be fine.

I am sorry you are going through this. Like many others, I am the child of divorced parents and it was hard. I think, however, things would have been easier if I didn't feel torn between my mother and my father - they are very different and although there were no major fights, there were often comments about the other parent acting the wrong way. In other words, I often had the impression that I had to choose to be either like my mum or my dad, which was very hard indeed as I have always loved them both.

What I'm trying to say is, as long as your DD is "allowed" to love both you and your (soon) ex-DH, she will come to terms with the idea that the perfect family does not exist, and that sometimes separation is the only way. Keep talking about it I would say, and when this doesn't work try to distract her, go somewhere nice just the two of you.