6yo crying himself to sleep every night for no apparent reason

[UpsyDaisyDo]

Bedtime routine is exactly the same as always. He goes to bed between 7 and 7.30 absolutely fine, we read a book together, I say goodnight and then it starts. It's almost like he's making himself cry. He can't give me a valid reason - says he's having bad thoughts but when I ask him what about he has to think about it for ages then says he doesn't know. I just don't know how to handle it. I feel awful because I've just got cross with him and now he's wailing! Been in and calmed him down but it's becoming a habit. I'm pretty sure theres nothing seriously wrong - he's doing well at school, has plenty of friends. Idon't want to invalidate his feelings by ignoring him but at the same time I don't want to make a big deal out of it. Help!

Can you give him a worry book to write in before he goes to sleep? He sounds very sad to me, something is clearly wrong. Doing well and having friends at school doesn't really mean much to be honest, he could be anxious/worried about a number of things. Night time is bad for a lot of people. When the lights are off and it's quiet then the mind goes into overdrive so easily. Try getting him to write his thoughts down.

That's a good idea. I am a lone parent and evenings for me are awfully lonely for me too sometimes especially in the winter months. Thing is I know if I said to him oh come on then u can sleep in my bed he'd be in like a shot and asleep within minutes. That's why my inclination is that it's an attention seeking tactic. HOWEVER I obviously can't and wouldn't want to assume this.

It's probably just a phase - they do sense our weak spots don't they. Could he be doing it for more attention if he noticed you were upset at him crying? Has anything else changed recently? Horrible to see your child upset.

Have you ever seen those tiny worry dolls? You can often buy them in hippy/crafty shops, come in a tiny pot. My mum bought some for DD (5) when she was settling into reception. The idea is you tell each doll a worry and put them under your pillow and the doll does the worrying for you
If he's not able to articulate to you what the matter is, perhaps this could be a way to get him to open up?

I'm hoping it's just a phase. Nothing has changed particularly recently. We did move to a new area about 6 months ago but he seemed to cope with the transition to new house/school/CM really well. I feel awful for getting cross with him tonight but it's been going on for a few weeks now and I just lost patience. He's calm now and I think will be asleep soon. I told him calmly and kindly that he needs to tell me what's wrong or I can't help him. He said he was crying because he wanted me. I said I'd just be in the next room reading and that I'd check on him every ten minutes so he knew I wasn't going anywhere. Never heard of the worry dolls but love the idea. I could do with some myself sometimes

I guess I just want some reassurance that I'm not saying/doing the wrong things. I'd hate him to grow up feeling sad. We have a great bond as its always just been me and him and I want him to know that he can talk to me about about anything that's troubling him.

I was given worry dolls as a child and still have them now. I don't use them i.e. tell them my worries anymore but they were still under my pillow up until a few years ago (I'm now the wrong side of 30!). Mine were in a little cloth bag....they are tiny but made a massive difference to me back in the day. Good luck. It sounds tough for you and ds in the short term.

I'm a single mother also and I know that ds would hop into my bed at 3am if I allowed him to. It sounds as though your little one has had a lot of change. It's not easy to move house, move schools and make new friends at a childminders. The chances are that he needs a lot of reassurance and bed time is when all of his doubts run around in his head. You could put a picture of you next to his bed, this may help and, as topsmart suggests, a worry doll in case he's not able to write his worries down. I'd make an emphasis of the things that you're going to do the next day with him. School nurses are useful, she'll be able to go into the school to see how he is and she'll be able to offer you advice. You just need to ask the school receptionist and you don't need to say what it's about. I really do hope he becomes happier soon, it must be really distressing for you both.

Thanks everyone for the ideas and fabulous advice. I'm definitely going to try them all. LadySybil he generally sneaks into my bed at some point in the early morning anyway and very very occasionally as a treat he's allowed to sleep with me all night but I don't want to make a habit of it. I don't even know if the school have a nurse but will pop into the office next week on my day off and ask. X

Every school has access to a nurse. They are based in the community health centre and go into schools to do the puberty talk/health surveillance. They are fab, worth their weight in gold, and help with all sorts. Best of luck.

Thanks LSDC X

It sounds like you are a wonderful mum to him, and it's great you have been so close! I was parented by a single mum and our relationship was very, very close all the time.
I wonder if you might benefit from reading Aletha Solter's book "Tears and Tantrums: WHat to do when babies and children cry". She has a couple of others but this in particular might explain the crying to you. Children cry also because they need to. THis is their way of getting emotional stress out of their system (and we all have some stress in even the best of circumstances). Nothing better than a good cry, hey? Only that for the child the cry to be good, he might need you beside him, accepting his crying, accepting that he is sad. Trust me, it is not manipulating. It is communicating. Children cannot understand all their feelings and even when they speak fluently cannot explain their feelings. They are still very small and the big wide world is confusing and threatening to them.
I personally would actually also stay with him until he falls asleep. We do that with out boys and our older one (5 and a bit) always comes to our bed in the middle of the night. We sometimes joke that my husband can look forward to him bringing his girlfriends to share the bed with all of us :P But actually, I am sure he'll grow out of it sooner. Before I read Solter's book, I also insisted that he would stay in his bed etc - but it only brought standstills in the middle of the night between a crying child who did not understand much that was demanded from him and an increasingly annoyed mum... He seemed to be, just like you say about your son, to be sad, just generally sad and unhappy. Now, in addition to letting him cry in our embrace if he needs to (or tantrum or show emotions in other ways), we just let him come and we are all much, much happier. Do you have a lot to do in the evenings? If you can spare the time, your evenings might be less lonely if you cuddled with him instead of sitting next door, listening to his sadness?
I really feel for you and I hope things will get better!
Take care
M

Good luck upsydaisy, I'm sure you'll be able to work through this together.