Daughter and the Year 10 rumour mill - would you worry, or do anything?

[TheOriginalSteamingNit]

Sorry, I can never find all the more specific topics, and this is a bit Education, a bit AIBU, a bit WWYD....so basically, I figure, parenting!

Anyway. There keep on being rumours started about my daughter at school, started by a minority, not believed by the majority, apparently not upsetting her right now, though they did in the past. Rumours about having sex with people, including her ex, her male friends and 'some kids whose name we don't know at other schools, but it is like, definitely true so don't deny it'.

Before we go any further, I should say I am as sure as I can be, based on gut feeling, knowing her, the fact that she's even told me, and the fact that I usually know where she is and who with, that these are rumours and not true.

It started when she fell out with two girls who recruited some boys to make up increasingly bizarre rumours about her 'asking people for sex', which changed to her having Done It with ex boyf, cheated on ex boyf with people-whose-name-we-don't-know.... And this went away after a while, but this week ex boyf's brother has started one that she Did It with the ex over the weekend, and today it is that she Did It with a different male friend.

I'm not sure how vociferously the boys are denying it. It may or may not also be relevant that quite often the boys who start the rumours have fancied her in the past. I think the reason everyone likes to talk about it, though, is that if anything she's perceived more as a swot than a go-er.

She came home saying 'oh, you will not guess the rumour today' and seemed amused - but I sort of find it disturbing. Would you? Has anyone any experience of this? Did you/would you do anything?

Thanks for reading.

I have teenage DD's and know how easily these rumours get out of hand. I'd keep a close eye on how your DD is coping as I think she has a good case to go to the school as to me it is a form of bullying. As you say they're not upsetting her right now - so I'd keep an eye on it.

Do they have learning mentors at the school? DD was subjected to some friendship sabotaging by her so called "best friend" recently and the learning mentor for her year was brilliant and sorted it out. She says that she deals with this type of thing all the time.

Would a LM be like a head of year, or another student? It may be we have an equivalent, but I don't think there is a position specifically called that.

Thanks, both of you, for helpful replies btw.

At DD's school the learning mentors look after the pastoral side of things and deal with problems like bullying. They aren't teachers.

I got some useful advice about DD's bullying from here so I am glad to help.

Ah, ok, then I don't think we have an equivalent. I dunno, I'm just more worried about this than her and I don't know whether I should be.

Watch and wait, I think. If it starts to upset her then it is getting out of hand, until then it's just silly talk and the less she reacts the better. It's good that she told you and didn't bottle it up. And of course you'll worry, we all would, but I don't think you should do anything yet.

And if you get to the point of acting, it might be better for her to deal with it herself if she can, more empowering (with your help and support, obviously). There are always rumours, always were.

I had similar happen to me when I was at school. I just ignored it/them and it all just stopped over time. Not sure if anyone ever believed it but didn't cause me any long term problems.

Yeah, perhaps part of it is how difficult it is to hear your daughter say casually that apparently she has had sex.... And I worry about what effect people's wrong ideas might have on her. And I worry about why it's her.

Learning mentors are called house tutors at my school and this is exactly the sort of thing they deal with - as they're non-teaching staff they have the time to follow things up and look into it in a bit more depth. School can and will deal with it.

Thank you! I guess I will sit tight for a bit and see if anything else happens. I just worry.

I had rumours like this about me when I was a bit younger. Big rumour was put around school when I was 12 that I'd got pregnant and had an abortion.

The others are doing it to try and upset her. If she isn't upset they'll get bored and move on hopefully.

If it carries on/starts upsetting her then speak to her form tutor.

Poor you, viva.

This years form tutor is a bit rubbish tbh. Last year her tutor was brilliant and I would have gone straight to her, but this one doesn't seem so hot, and I'm not convinced she would deal with it very well.

Poor girl!

Can you make it a family party and invite cousins, children of your neighbours, friends etc?

Sorry wrong thread!

I could make it a family party where we all get together and accuse each other of having slept with other people, maybe - that might make her feel at home!

It could be a jealousy thing, OP. If your daughter is pretty and intelligent, the girls make up rumours to hurt her; boys because they're easily led by girls and probably want to 'do' her. It can get pretty ugly because it's stupid 15yo kids doing it. They have a vague idea of how things work in the real world so things get skewed all too easily.

If you think that your daughter is getting this abuse whilst at school/from school peers, then I'd get some evidence together (even if just verbal) and I'd go to see the head. Your DD shouldn't have to put up with this. It might affect her confidence in the long run. You shouldn't have to be listening to this shite, either.

Best of luck in sorting things out x

Hi, exact same thing happened to me twenty years ago! I moved school, one girl started rumours repeatedly that I had slept with a boyfriend there. Complex rumours with locations etc.

I didn't care, I honestly didn't. I knew she was an idiot. I would have gone crazy if my mum had intervened.

I would keep an eye on her and of course intervene if she seems at all unsettled but IMO and IME it is possible to not be affected by rumours, especially if they are not damaging her main friendships.